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A few days ago DH confessed... -Frustrating Update

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Update: I looked for al anon meetings and the closest one (on ANY day of the week) is 30 minutes away. We only have 1 car so DH takes it to work at 3:30pm and all the meetings are around 6pm. :( So then I looked for NA meeting for him thinking I could tag along since I really miss meetings (I am also a recovering addict- been clean over a year) and the only one's they have are when he is at work. I am getting really discouraged. I really wanted us both to go to meetings, so badly. I am thinking of doing the NA by myself and just sharing that my DH recently relapsed but I doubt it will be as helpful as al anon. :(

That he has been using drugs again for about 6 months. He was doing pills for about a month and then went to illegally buying suboxone. He had been clean for over a year :( I noticed the signs again a few months ago but we have a baby and I thought he was extremely tired and that was contributing to his mood swings. I was wrong.

I'd first like to say that I will ignore comments that say DIVORCE HIM! No, I will not end my marriage because he slipped up. We took vows for better or worse.

But I dont know what to do. I'm angry and hurt. He has been lying to me (or I guess omitting) for 6 months. He is wasting our money on suboxone instead of dealing with what he has coming to him, withdrawal. He has agreed that when his vacation time comes in he will take 3 days of it to go cold turkey off the suboxone (once again!) and go through the withdrawals. But even that pisses me off! He's going to use his vacation time to sleep and complain and be mean while going through withdrawals when we could use that time to do something fun as a family all because he decided to be stupid.

I havent even spoken to him at all today. Last night I tried to say how hurt and dissapointed I was and he started yelling at me and calling me names. I dont care if its the drugs doing it to him! I dont deserve it! I was understanding and had sympathy for him when I thought he was just tired but now that I know its drugs I look back on the last 6 months of fighting and I'm pissed about it. I was very understanding the first time this happened and stayed by his side during the withdrawals and helped him as much as possible but this time he'll be going through that on his own.

I dont know :( I'm just pissed/hurt and ranting now. I cant even look at him. I used to be an addict too but I stopped that shit before I even got pregnant with DS and now that I have him I wouldnt even think of touching that shit! And I dont want him touching DS either, not if he's on something!

I dont know how to be there for him this time. I dont know how to put my anger aside and help him through this. I do love him but this is so unacceptable. Has anyone had an SO relapse? How did you get through it? How did you deal with the mood swings and their anger? How did you deal with YOUR anger? Does anyone have an SO that has been clean for years or is this what I have to look forward to every year or two?

Edit: He can not go to a detox/rehab center. His insurance doesnt cover it and we dont have that kind of money. I am not worried about him dying from withdrawal. He only takes a strip a day which isnt much and thats what he was on the last time we did this so I know he'll be fine.
Also, I forgot some people do not know what suboxone is. It is used to make the user not go through withdrawal (it is SUPPOSE to be used to wean them off drugs but is rarely use correctly around here). It has an opiate blocker in it so if he did get drugs it would prevent him from getting high and he doesnt get high off the subs.

Update: I got him in to see a substance abuse counselor that he will see later this week. He will go once or twice a week. THAT insurance covers.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Replies (41-50):
hismommy2010
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:15 PM

 You won't leave him? It's not safe at all to stay, while he goes through with drawls... Do you realize these pills throw them into mood swings? And that it causes their ears to be very sensitive to sound? So what if baby cries and it makes daddy nuts, and he hurts baby?

Or what if daddy drops a pill, and baby picks it up - and puts it in babys mouth?

 

I think you need to take your baby and leave, let him deal with this issue and prove he can stay off of it.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:18 PM
1 mom liked this
I know what withdrawals are like, I've done it and been through it with him too. Baby is with me 24/7 and he wont be touching him. And he is on subs (strips) so he wont be dropping any pills... There is no where for me to go with our son while he withdraws. Its not like I WANT to be here and deal with him while he does this.


Quoting hismommy2010:

 You won't leave him? It's not safe at all to stay, while he goes through with drawls... Do you realize these pills throw them into mood swings? And that it causes their ears to be very sensitive to sound? So what if baby cries and it makes daddy nuts, and he hurts baby?


Or what if daddy drops a pill, and baby picks it up - and puts it in babys mouth?


 


I think you need to take your baby and leave, let him deal with this issue and prove he can stay off of it.


MelanieMans
by Sapphire Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:19 PM
Then hes not getting better. Counseling wont help an addict.
Quoting Anonymous:

He can get counseling to learn to deal with stress but there is no way we can "find a way to afford rehab", if we dont have the money we dont have the money.


Quoting MelanieMans:

Well you are gonna have to find a way to afford it or hes just gonna relapse everytime hes in a stressful situation.




Quoting Anonymous:

We cant afford rehab and his insurance doesnt cover it.





Quoting MelanieMans:

A slip up is using it one time after being clean, not for 6 straight months. He needs rehab and needs to learn he cant go back to drugs when life gets stressful, he needs to learn to deal and not rely on the pills. He cant take them ever, not even once. He may take one and say its just that one time, but then the one time turns into 2 times, and then 3.







chalisa0
by Ruby Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:23 PM

You need counseling.  Together and apart.  He MUST seek drug counseling.  I don't care if he goes to narcotics anonymous.  He obviously can not kick this habit alone.  He needs a support group and he needs to learn how to get rid of the "friends" he has that are supporting his habit.  Good luck.  Drug addicts are not fun or easy to deal with-you have my sympathy.

Ali5683
by Ruby Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:24 PM

Good luck. I was with a guy for two years who used drugs behind my back for a year and it was terrible. I stuck by his side, helped him get sober and he left me. He was abusive and mean so it was a good thing but the fact that I stayed by his side to help him and clean up his messes then he left really affected me. He cheated on me and just married that girl a couple months ago.

But, if he's using then he needs to get treatment of some kind. Good luck girl. I think it's great you stick by his side. He will appreciate it in the end. Not all do but it seems that he will. Some advice though... if you limit every possible way that YOU think will take away an opportunity to get drugs he will more than likely work around it. Addicts will do anything to get their drug. Be careful and take care of yourself. :)

Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Good luck, I dealt with that shit for 4 years. It was all wasted time, he is still doing drugs. Leaving him was the best decision I have ever made.
Mrs.Kubalabuku
by Ruby Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:33 PM
2 moms liked this

I know you say you won't divorce him, but I will say you shouldn't erase that possibility entirely.

I have many addicts in my family.  The bottom line: No matter what you do, THEY have to want to change and fix it, and THEY have to want to stay clean.

Be supportive, try to help him through this.  But also be mindful of what this will do to your son growing up.  If he is caught buying illegal drugs, you could find yourself battling CPS.  If he gets something laced or tries something new, he could end up in a violent rage, or your son could witness a nasty reaction.

So this time, yes, stand by his side.  Try to help him.  But draw a firm line in your mind where this MUST end, one way or another.

It might help to have him talk to your family doctor.  CPS normally won't get involved if he is actively seeking help.  Also, unless the doctor believes he is a danger to the baby, he won't report it to anyone due to doctor/patient confidentiality.  But the doctor might know of local free programs or support groups to help him stay clean.

Have a "Go Bag."  If things ever get out of hand, if you are sick of the arguing, get up and GO.  Show him that you don't have to stick around for the abuse.  Your bag should contain a couple outfits for you and baby, travel toiletries, spare diapers, formula, an extra bottle or two, etc.  Anything you'd need to get by short term.  Don't tell him you have the bag.  Arrange some safe places to go.  Most churches can direct you to a women's home or shelter.

Having grown up with many addicts in the family, I am certain that planning a temporary escape route is NOT over dramatic.  When people truly hit rock bottom you just never know how they will react.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 26, 2013 at 3:56 PM
Lol! Are you serious?! Counseling wont help an addict?? Do you know how many addicts there are that only do regular therapy that are clean? Um, myself for example. I've been seeing my therapist for 3 years and I've been clean for 2 years. I never went to rehab or anything either, I detoxed all by myself. Counseling definitely does help an addict!


Quoting MelanieMans:

Then hes not getting better. Counseling wont help an addict.




Quoting Anonymous:

He can get counseling to learn to deal with stress but there is no way we can "find a way to afford rehab", if we dont have the money we dont have the money.





Quoting MelanieMans:

Well you are gonna have to find a way to afford it or hes just gonna relapse everytime hes in a stressful situation.








Quoting Anonymous:

We cant afford rehab and his insurance doesnt cover it.








Quoting MelanieMans:

A slip up is using it one time after being clean, not for 6 straight months. He needs rehab and needs to learn he cant go back to drugs when life gets stressful, he needs to learn to deal and not rely on the pills. He cant take them ever, not even once. He may take one and say its just that one time, but then the one time turns into 2 times, and then 3.












Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 26, 2013 at 4:05 PM
1 mom liked this
I used to be an addict too so I know how this can go down. I know the desperation unfortunately. But it also gives me the upper hand because I know what real withdrawals look like (I faked it once to get my mom to believe I was getting clean), I know who he's going to and I know everyone he could try and go to, ect. But hopefully this will go as well as last time.
The only thing I AM thankful for his that he isnt on pills or heroin or anything like that right now, he's on suboxone. So he at least isnt getting high, he is just escaping withdrawals. He will have more cravings once he starts to withdraw obviously but they wont be as bad as if he were going off the real stuff.
I'm sorry that piece of shit did that to you. Thats just awful :(


Quoting Ali5683:

Good luck. I was with a guy for two years who used drugs behind my back for a year and it was terrible. I stuck by his side, helped him get sober and he left me. He was abusive and mean so it was a good thing but the fact that I stayed by his side to help him and clean up his messes then he left really affected me. He cheated on me and just married that girl a couple months ago.

But, if he's using then he needs to get treatment of some kind. Good luck girl. I think it's great you stick by his side. He will appreciate it in the end. Not all do but it seems that he will. Some advice though... if you limit every possible way that YOU think will take away an opportunity to get drugs he will more than likely work around it. Addicts will do anything to get their drug. Be careful and take care of yourself. :)


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 26, 2013 at 4:12 PM
Honestly divorce isnt 100% off the table but on CM if you dont say that in the OP the only advice you will get is LEAVE HIM!! I will not keep going through this! My son is a baby right now, he knows tensions are high but he doesnt know what we're saying or what daddy is doing. But when he gets older he will not be around this shit. If I thought it was ok to do drugs while raising a child I'd be doing drugs right now, but I dont so I battle my addiction just like DH has to.
The go back is an awesome idea! Then if something happens I dont have to try to rush and pack. Thank you for that tip!


Quoting Mrs.Kubalabuku:

I know you say you won't divorce him, but I will say you shouldn't erase that possibility entirely.

I have many addicts in my family.  The bottom line: No matter what you do, THEY have to want to change and fix it, and THEY have to want to stay clean.

Be supportive, try to help him through this.  But also be mindful of what this will do to your son growing up.  If he is caught buying illegal drugs, you could find yourself battling CPS.  If he gets something laced or tries something new, he could end up in a violent rage, or your son could witness a nasty reaction.

So this time, yes, stand by his side.  Try to help him.  But draw a firm line in your mind where this MUST end, one way or another.

It might help to have him talk to your family doctor.  CPS normally won't get involved if he is actively seeking help.  Also, unless the doctor believes he is a danger to the baby, he won't report it to anyone due to doctor/patient confidentiality.  But the doctor might know of local free programs or support groups to help him stay clean.

Have a "Go Bag."  If things ever get out of hand, if you are sick of the arguing, get up and GO.  Show him that you don't have to stick around for the abuse.  Your bag should contain a couple outfits for you and baby, travel toiletries, spare diapers, formula, an extra bottle or two, etc.  Anything you'd need to get by short term.  Don't tell him you have the bag.  Arrange some safe places to go.  Most churches can direct you to a women's home or shelter.

Having grown up with many addicts in the family, I am certain that planning a temporary escape route is NOT over dramatic.  When people truly hit rock bottom you just never know how they will react.


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