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Debbie Downer *update*

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

Does anyone have "that friend" who is always negative, always b*tching about their lives, etc?

I have one who is CONSTANTLY complaining. Yes, her life kinda sucks right now, but GEEZ 99% of our conversation is about her terrible life. I could leave work in a peachy mood, she'll call, and just drag it down.

I've had some rough patches. My dad just found out he has cancer, just had surgery, needs another surgery. It's not looking good.

But her husband lost his job, and they don't know how to save money, so even before this they were broke.

Who do you think dominates the b*tching in our conversations? Her.

She sometimes even says "So what's going on with you? You never have anything to b*tch about." WHAT?!? Every time I'll start, she'll butt in - and I don't feel like begging to talk about my possibly dying father. I feel that if she can have my undivided attention to her stupid rantings, than she should return that favor and not cut me off, or start talking to someone else in the room while on the phone with me (MID-sentence). I was in tears on the phone starting to tell her the news when we found out, and she starts yelling at her DD to wash the dishes, make sure you dry them, etc... while I was pouring my heart out.

Is it just me, or should she set a few minutes aside and step out somewhere to talk on the phone? Or say "Hey, I can't really give you all my attention right now and don't want to keep interrupting. Can I call you back as soon as I get a free minute?" Is that too much to ask???

Sorry, loooooong rant lol

Update:
Wow, it went WAY better than expected. It started out the same as usual, but every time she interrupted with one of her stories, I just kept talking... So eventually I got frustrated and explained it to her in the nicest way I could. She apologized and explained that she had no idea how I was feeling about my dad and didn't want to prod for information if I didn't want to talk about it (I'm usually a very private person). She also said that she didn't even realize she was doing it and would definitely try to keep that in check. She explained that she's a talker and by me not saying anything about it, she thought things were fine...

So that was good. We'll see if it sticks...

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 29, 2013 at 2:05 PM
Replies (21-28):
dbrown1989
by Gold Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:24 AM

 You pretty much just described one of my oldest friends. We live states apart and rarely get to see eachother. But I kid you not, I called her last week because I was excited that we got the inspection done on our new home and we're one step closer to things being complete and as soon as I finished telling her that little bit of info it turned into how they're years away from buying a house because her lazy ass fiance doesn't have a steady job, loses the cash he gets (I guess he lots 150 that he made one night....just lost it like he can't find it...yeah) and how they're going to have to go on food stamps and all that as soon as their baby is born (which their precious little munchkin was born late last night and she is sooooo stinking cute). She does it every time I tell her something exciting. Then she'll say "so what's new with you". I'll get in once sentence about what's going on with us and then BAM it turns back into how her life sucks.

I'll never forget though, I told her I was pregnant when I had my son and her response was this "WTF? We've been trying for months, and just out of the blue you get pregnant? You guys weren't even trying...WTF...this is not fair" and hung up on me.

We all have that friend.

randi1978
by Murdoc's Mistress on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:32 AM

I have a friend like that.  She doesn't bring me down, but she does constantly call me with mini meltdowns and catastrophes that are taking place in her life.  Mostly men problems.  She's older than me (8 yrs older), has never been able to hold a job for longer than a year because she flakes out, never been married, no kids, has this dream of finding prince charming and being a housewife, meets losers and then wonders why things don't work out, has gotten herself stranded in other states (even out of country) meeting men online.  Our last discussion went something like this:

Her: He never responds to my texts.  What's the point if they never want to talk?

Me: How often do you text?

Her: Every day, and sometimes I don't get a response until hours later.  How hard is it to text back?  And then I wonder what the hell he's doing.

Me: Umm....you text him every day, all day?

Her: Yeah.

Me: You don't have to text all the time.  You don't have to talk with them every day, dude.

Her: I get worried since he's so far away.  I don't know what he's doing.

Me: That clingy shit is a first class ticket into being dumped.  A good morning or good night are one thing, but sending him texts through out the day like that is juvenile.

Her: Don't you and your boyfriend talk every day?

Me: No.  We might wish one another good morning via text, but that's about it.  I couldn't even tell you the last time we physically spoke on the phone.

Her: OMG, I couldn't do that.  I have to talk to him every night.

Me: You sound like you're 15.  You don't need to talk every night, dude.  Give him some breathing room.

Her: Aren't you worried when you don't hear from your man?

Me: No.  We both are busy and have responsibilities that come before our relationship.  Just makes us more keen to appreciate our time together.

Her: I just can't do that.  Maybe I'm stupid.....Maybe that's why I can't keep a man *insert onset of tears*

SpiritedWitch
by Froggie on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:34 AM

Mentally running through my friends and I can't think of a Debbie Downer among them. I could be with all the shit that has and is going on in my life, but I do my damnedest NOT to be the DD of our group. 

We all have problems and no one's life is rainbows and roses ALL the time but it's all about HOW you deal with things and look at life. 

mom2aspclboy
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:19 AM

That's right. If she's a true friend, she'll listen, understand, and maybe come to some insight about herself too. If she's a true friend, she'll understand, respect your feelings on the matter, and try to do better by you. Don't accept anything less!

As for the feeling alone part, maybe it isn't a person or people you need in your life so much as a hobby or other creative outlet that is just for yourself? Maybe you need to connect to an idea or an activity to fill a void you didn't even know you had? In the process, you might make some new friends, too, ones who you share some common ground with, and wouldn't that be nice?

hugs

Quoting Anonymous:

 Wow. You know, I never thought of it that way. My family makes me happy, so I guess I'm not alone. I don't even get "alone" time at home lol so I'm not sure why I feel alone. But even talking to her still makes me feel alone...

I think I'm going to have a talk with her about all this. I'll roll the dice and take the chance. If she doesn't like what I have to say and doesn't want to continue our friendship, then what friend was she to begin with, right?

Quoting mom2aspclboy:

No, it isn't terrible, it's sad. You should really think about that statement; If you are keeping around a friend who only brings you down, what does that say about what you think about yourself? To me it says that you'd rather be miserable than alone or you'd rather be miserable than find new friends.

Don't you think that you deserve better? 

Quoting Anonymous:



Ever Tried? Ever Failed? No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail BETTER!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:38 PM

 You might be on to something. Thank you. I think I might be missing some kind of hobby. Something to do - just for myself. Seems like I go to work, come home, do house crap and take care of the kids and go to bed. Typical life for lots of people I guess, so I never complain. But maybe if I can squeeze in a little bit of "me time", I wouldn't need her to fill that void...

Maybe I'll see if the library or somewhere has adult classes or something and offers daycare... Or even put the kids into something I can fit in my schedule and chit chat with other active parents (who enjoy spending time with their kids like I do)...

It's worth a shot. Anything is worse than being miserable and feeling used. I don't know why I put up with it this long. It's hard for me to turn my back on someone in need, but I guess I really should be putting myself and my kids first.

I really appreciate the advice :)  :)

Quoting mom2aspclboy:

That's right. If she's a true friend, she'll listen, understand, and maybe come to some insight about herself too. If she's a true friend, she'll understand, respect your feelings on the matter, and try to do better by you. Don't accept anything less!

As for the feeling alone part, maybe it isn't a person or people you need in your life so much as a hobby or other creative outlet that is just for yourself? Maybe you need to connect to an idea or an activity to fill a void you didn't even know you had? In the process, you might make some new friends, too, ones who you share some common ground with, and wouldn't that be nice?

hugs

Quoting Anonymous:

 Wow. You know, I never thought of it that way. My family makes me happy, so I guess I'm not alone. I don't even get "alone" time at home lol so I'm not sure why I feel alone. But even talking to her still makes me feel alone...

I think I'm going to have a talk with her about all this. I'll roll the dice and take the chance. If she doesn't like what I have to say and doesn't want to continue our friendship, then what friend was she to begin with, right?

Quoting mom2aspclboy:

No, it isn't terrible, it's sad. You should really think about that statement; If you are keeping around a friend who only brings you down, what does that say about what you think about yourself? To me it says that you'd rather be miserable than alone or you'd rather be miserable than find new friends.

Don't you think that you deserve better? 

Quoting Anonymous:

 


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:41 PM

Why do you even call her a friend?  Seems she just wants someone to sit dumbly by while she takes center stage.  Are you going to continue being her audience?

key2ynot
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:43 PM

I have a SIL exactly like that.

I started avoiding her calls bc I couldn't stand constantly hearing her bitch about any and everything.  It brought me down and I don't need that negativity around me.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:51 PM

 Wow. You know, at first I was taken aback by your bold statement, maybe even a bit offended, but no. You're right. I have been sitting by like that, and I think she knows it.

I've sort of ignored her calls (told her I lost my phone lol), so she invited herself over. I said that was fine - because DH was home and I honestly just needed a break from home.

I'm going to feel out this situation/conversation tonight and see how it goes. I'm not going to ask her how she's doing, etc. I'm going to briefly bring up my dad's medical condition and doctors, and see how long it takes her to interrupt. I'll push it a few more times, but if it doesn't work, I'll tell her what's going on. It will probably come as a shock to her because I've never said anything. If she doesn't like it, too bad.

Idk, I never really got a lot of attention growing up, so I was just there to listen. I guess I never grew out of it and figured if I got attention by listening, it's better than nothing... So telling her "It's time to talk about ME" feels immature for me to say, but I guess it needs to be done.

I don't know why I feel nervous about it...

Quoting Anonymous:

Why do you even call her a friend?  Seems she just wants someone to sit dumbly by while she takes center stage.  Are you going to continue being her audience?

 

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