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Ive been having thoughts about ending my life..kept them from SO for a week..finally came out with them..and now everything is crumbling :( (UPDATE)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 30 Replies

I have so many things going on all at once ....and i can't seem to catch a break no matter where i turn.

Ive been finding myself depressed , and finding myself thinking that everyone would just be better off without me if i were gone :( 

I don't really want to get into whats been going on...ive gone through it enough tonight.

But basically , i didn't say anything to SO about it ..they have just been thoughts..i haven't gotten as far as thinking of HOW to do it ..just thinking that everyone would be better off without me. 

We went to visit my aunt last night , and things were brought up..and i burst and i told them both what i had been thinking, they both talked to me about it..and me and SO headed home. 

last night SO said that he wanted to just relax last night and we would talk about it tomorrow...

So , today we got into a conversation about it and it turns out that he is mad at me for keeping it from him for a week , and telling him i was 'fine' when he asked what was wrong.

We then got into my abusive childhood and how i was still letting it affect my every day life now , there was miscommunication...and misunderstandings. 

I will admit that i got frustrated, overwhelmed...with everything else going on..and now we were fighting , i had enough ..and i told him to get out. 

Of course he didn't , told me that it was his home as well and he wasn't leaving especially not leaving me alone with the thoughts that i had been having.

We got into it more ..and i explained that they had just been thoughts , i hadn't gotten as far as HOW to do it ..and that i didn't think i would. 

Well..the minute i said that , he said 'oh , so if your not concerned than i shouldn't be either' ..and that was it , he didn't seem to care about the thoughts anymore.

In any case ..the night went on..for hours..argueing...fighting..in the end, he told me that if i could keep this from him , than he doesn't know what else i could keep..and that he didn't have any trust for me anymore and at this point the end result was that he was moving out in a couple of months and that if i wanted to make this work i was going to have to start making some changes :( . 

He is now planning on sleeping on the couch...while i am sitting in the bedroom confused , hurt , angry, feeling bad...just a whole lot of feelings all at once. 

I didn't tell him i was having these feelings because i didnt want to scare him and because ...come on, i was thinking of ending my life! Thats not something that you really want to talk to anyone else about!

I don't know what to do , i feel more alone than anything....

He says that he isn't sleeping on the couch because of what he was orignally mad at me about, he was sleeping on the couch now because i told him to 'get out' ...even though i have apologized for it and explained that i really didn't want him to leave :( :( .....

I can't stop crying ...i don't know what to do...im already having a tough time dealing with everything else going on in my life. 

Ive gone to counselling ...and i plan on keep going, he has never gone with me ..and says that its issues from my past that i have to deal with that he doesn't know anything about...

UPDATED: May 1st 

Thank you everyone for your replies , yesterday i got up...and headed over to a girlfriends house and i was able to get some of my frustrations out over coffee, i then left her house and walked to my counsellors and talked to her for an hour. 

By the time i got home, i had been gone for the majority of the day...me and SO were both a lot calmer and were able to discuss things on a more understanding level.

No , i am not going to do any harm to myself ..i do realize that it would be a selfish for me to do that, i know that i need to not let me fears and the future unknown get the best of me and that i have to take it one day at a time. 

My SO understands that i didn't feel very supported, and i understand that he was scared and hurt that i didn't talk to him about it in the first place..

I have told him that i will come and talk to him with anything that is on my mind , and that i will not hide anything from him again.

Thank you for all of your replies.

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:29 AM

bump

acrogodess
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:31 AM
I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon and get the help you need.

*hugs*
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:32 AM
1 mom liked this
He is upset because he loves you and wants to protect you and feels that you should trust him even with your darkest secret. You hurt his feelings by telling him to get out (men are sensitive too) I'm sorry you are having these thoughts, I've been there done that, and went as far as to cut myself because it felt better to be in pain on the outside, then it did to be in pain on the inside. Give your SO sometime to get over his hurt feelings and ask him to help you get help. Tell him you can't do it on your own and that your scared. I hope things get better for you. Just remember, there's always a light at the end of a dark tunel.
RachelsMercy
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:33 AM

BUMP!

Mom2Jake08
by Gold Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:35 AM
I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Definitely do the counseling thing. Good luck.
tifbrown
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:36 AM

You keep going and keep improving your life. You can get past it and move on to become a happier, healthier person. You need to be the best of yourself so that you can bring the best of yourself into the relationship. I hope you guys can work things out and that he can be a strong support in your life. If not, well life is too short to be surrounded by negativity. Maybe it's you who would be better off. Don't give up on life. Positive energy and prayers for you. Good luck :)

mommyx2-2006
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:36 AM

Hell, go lay down with him on the couch. Tell him you need him and that you just don't know how to tell him somethings. I hope it works out for you. I understand where you're coming from. I would like to keep up with you if you don't mind?

Hugs

MomsRock360
by Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:36 AM

Hey Hun, please call 1-800-SUICIDE. Someone will help you!!!!  Please know that you are not alone!!!

KyrinM
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:38 AM

I'd go crawl onto the couch with him later once he is asleep.  He loves you, he's worried about you & hurt too.  Hang in there, you two will work through it.  Hugs, it'll be okay, I would also ask him to come to your counseling sessions.  Considering how much your past still affects you, he needs to know & he needs to know how to help you cope.  Good luck.

mama-sita
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 1:42 AM

He's lashing out because you did scare him and he feels that you don't trust him.  Believe me, I've been through this.  I'm bipolar type 2 and have dealt with suicidal thoughts.  My SO has tried to be there for me as much as he can, but it's hard to let people in, right?  Just breathe, let him go through his feelings but be sure to not only tell, but SHOW him how much you love him.  Kiss him.  Hug him.  Love him and let him love you.

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