Ive been having thoughts about ending my life..kept them from SO for a week..finally came out with them..and now everything is crumbling :( (UPDATE)
I have so many things going on all at once ....and i can't seem to catch a break no matter where i turn.
Ive been finding myself depressed , and finding myself thinking that everyone would just be better off without me if i were gone :(
I don't really want to get into whats been going on...ive gone through it enough tonight.
But basically , i didn't say anything to SO about it ..they have just been thoughts..i haven't gotten as far as thinking of HOW to do it ..just thinking that everyone would be better off without me.
We went to visit my aunt last night , and things were brought up..and i burst and i told them both what i had been thinking, they both talked to me about it..and me and SO headed home.
last night SO said that he wanted to just relax last night and we would talk about it tomorrow...
So , today we got into a conversation about it and it turns out that he is mad at me for keeping it from him for a week , and telling him i was 'fine' when he asked what was wrong.
We then got into my abusive childhood and how i was still letting it affect my every day life now , there was miscommunication...and misunderstandings.
I will admit that i got frustrated, overwhelmed...with everything else going on..and now we were fighting , i had enough ..and i told him to get out.
Of course he didn't , told me that it was his home as well and he wasn't leaving especially not leaving me alone with the thoughts that i had been having.
We got into it more ..and i explained that they had just been thoughts , i hadn't gotten as far as HOW to do it ..and that i didn't think i would.
Well..the minute i said that , he said 'oh , so if your not concerned than i shouldn't be either' ..and that was it , he didn't seem to care about the thoughts anymore.
In any case ..the night went on..for hours..argueing...fighting..in the end, he told me that if i could keep this from him , than he doesn't know what else i could keep..and that he didn't have any trust for me anymore and at this point the end result was that he was moving out in a couple of months and that if i wanted to make this work i was going to have to start making some changes :( .
He is now planning on sleeping on the couch...while i am sitting in the bedroom confused , hurt , angry, feeling bad...just a whole lot of feelings all at once.
I didn't tell him i was having these feelings because i didnt want to scare him and because ...come on, i was thinking of ending my life! Thats not something that you really want to talk to anyone else about!
I don't know what to do , i feel more alone than anything....
He says that he isn't sleeping on the couch because of what he was orignally mad at me about, he was sleeping on the couch now because i told him to 'get out' ...even though i have apologized for it and explained that i really didn't want him to leave :( :( .....
I can't stop crying ...i don't know what to do...im already having a tough time dealing with everything else going on in my life.
Ive gone to counselling ...and i plan on keep going, he has never gone with me ..and says that its issues from my past that i have to deal with that he doesn't know anything about...
UPDATED: May 1st
Thank you everyone for your replies , yesterday i got up...and headed over to a girlfriends house and i was able to get some of my frustrations out over coffee, i then left her house and walked to my counsellors and talked to her for an hour.
By the time i got home, i had been gone for the majority of the day...me and SO were both a lot calmer and were able to discuss things on a more understanding level.
No , i am not going to do any harm to myself ..i do realize that it would be a selfish for me to do that, i know that i need to not let me fears and the future unknown get the best of me and that i have to take it one day at a time.
My SO understands that i didn't feel very supported, and i understand that he was scared and hurt that i didn't talk to him about it in the first place..
I have told him that i will come and talk to him with anything that is on my mind , and that i will not hide anything from him again.
Thank you for all of your replies.