I thought about going anonymous with this because I didn't want anyone to know it was me, but then I figured I'd get the "you're a troll" comments...and quite frankly, I shouldn't be ashamed. I need advice on what to do.
I grew up with my mom, stepdad, and two younger brothers in my house. Stepdad and mom got married when I was 3.5-4 years old. He's been on the only male father figure in my life.
Anyway, I've always had a certain dislike for stepdad. He's a prick and abusive. When we were younger, he would always fuck with our heads (mental/emotional/verbal abuse). He was also physically abusive. I also suspect that he might have been sexually abusive (but I'll get into that further down the post).
As far as mental abuse, he would say that our mom was ashamed of us and felt like a failure as a mother because she had fat kids (this is BEFORE I became overweight). He would also threaten us. Once when we had gotten into trouble, he told us that he and my mom had planned to take us to some disney on ice thing, but not anymore since we misbehaved. He then proceeded to tell us that he owned a gun, that it was loaded, and asked if we wanted to see it. We all three thought he was going to kill us. He pulled a knife on my brothers and cornered them a few years ago as well...to which I didn't find out about until WAY after it happened.
As far as physical abuse, he's hit us many times. He liked to sleep in because he had sleeping problems, so we had to be deathly quiet or all hell would break loose. The more severe cases are that he once beat the shit out of one of my brothers for peeing his pants in the car even though my brother kept telling him he had to pee...but stepdad wouldn't stop the car. He once kicked me so hard that my tailbone was bruised (I thought it was broken. I couldn't even sit down correctly because it hurt so bad). I had to lie to the doctor on how it happened. He used to force us out of the house early in the morning so he could sleep without any noise. I was so afraid to go back in the house that I would pee my pants outside instead of risking making any noise going inside the house (This happened when I was about 4-5 years old). Aside from that, we were spanked a lot (belts mostly), hit hard (I got a couple goose eggs on my head because he hit me with a closed fist twice).
As far as sexual abuse, I'm not sure if this counts. He would have my brothers shower together and then he would have me shower with him. He claimed it was to save water. He never touched me in the shower and never made me touch him, but I hated it. One time, my parents went out drinking. When they came home, we were all in bed. My mom went to bed and stepdad came in my room. I pretended to be asleep. He kept saying he heard something outside and looked out my window. He reached over and started rubbing the blanket where my leg would be. After a few minutes, he pulled the cover back and started rubbing my leg. I bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I stayed in there awhile. When I came out, he wasn't in my room. I locked my door and tried to go back to sleep. That's about as far as that goes....but I don't know what would have happened had I stayed in bed.
My mom worked all the time, so she doesn't really know about all of this. She knows that he disciplined us, and she witnessed some things, but not the majority of it. They have been married 23 years.
I hate him. He still tries to bully me to this day. I want to stand up to him, tell him to fuck off and go to hell, but for some reason, I'm still afraid of what will happen. Every time I get the courage to say something to my mom, I feel sick to my stomach and I chicken out.
I don't know what I'm really looking for with this, but I need to get it out...beyond that, I guess I'm looking for advice on what to do.
I know I probably need therapy...and I'm working on seeing one.
UPDATE: First, I want to say that my husband and my grandmother both think I have a form of PTSD. When someone throws something at me (tosses me a ball or anything), I flinch BAD and jerk away (like I'm covering my face or head). When I see things coming at me from the corner of my eye, I do the same thing. I get physically sick every time I think about all of this and I get nightmares about it sometimes...I was doing okay about it for awhile, but I think since they came down for a visit not that long ago (no, they did not stay here and he was NEVER alone with my son), it triggered it all again.
Anyway, last night I called my youngest brother (stepdad is his biological father). I asked him, "If mom and dad told you to quit talking to me, what would you do?" (One of my biggest fears with all of this is that my brothers will stop talking to me). He asked me why...and I told him it didn't matter. He said that he would tell them that I'm his sister, and he would still talk to all of us (which isn't true...he'll do what his dad says or he'll be secretive about it). He then kept asking me why. I told him I couldn't tell him yet. I still needed to talk to mom and I'm seeing a therapist (this is where I fucked up. I should have just said it was a hypothetical situation). He then flew off the handle on me...saying things like how I think his dad is so horrible and he wasn't a bad parents...that my childhood wasn't so bad that I need a therapist...that it could only be two things, abuse or touching, and he KNOWS those things didn't happen...etc. I told him that he doesn't know anything about what happened to me and he doesn't kno anything about my life and why I may need to talk to a therapist. After he got done yelling at me about how his dad did nothing to me, he then went on to say that he's tired of hearing all this shit about ME. He said, "I'm sorry, but parent your fucking kid. I know lots of people with three year old kids. They all talk and ride bikes. Jeffrey is fucking smart...there's nothing "special" about him." I started getting pissed after that and started yelling at him...he then hung up on me and refused to answer anymore of my calls...I left him a VM telling him that my kid has a learning disability and he's in therapy for speech (which they ALL know)...that when he wants to talk to me like an adult, he can call me back.