I know it's coming, I've been preparing for the past 8 years, but I'm not ready. I will never be ready. Yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. Sorry but a little history: my mother is dying of end stage renal failure. I have been caring for her for the past eight years. I was helping care for her with my dad until he became ill in 2009. In Christmas of 2010 he was diagnosed with cancer and he died in November of 2011. My husband and I cared for both him and my mother for that whole time. I'm still grieving for him, my dad was my best friend.
He broke my heart. Yesterday I was told by the doctor that my mother's health was not good enough to stay on the transplant list. They were going to remove her. I understand his reasoning, I don't blame him, but at the same time, deep down, a part of me was so hopeful that she would be okay. That she would get a kidney and she would be okay. She has been on dialysis for 8 years now, she has been doing dialysis via a catheter in her chest. The other methods have failed. Now the one in her chest is failing. We are going to try and do peritoneal dialysis which is dialysis through the stomach but it failed the last time she tried and the doctor is very concerned. If this fails, and the catheter in her chest fails, I'll be lucky to have 2 weeks with my mom. I feel like I'm signing her death certificate. I feel like I'm failing her, like I haven't tried or prayed hard enough. I know, realistically, we have done all we can, I'm just not ready to lose my mom yet. I'm not ready to be without both my parents. I feel so bad for my kids and my husband. My dad was more than a father in law to him, he was the first male influence my husband had. My husband loved him so much and still cries. He is closer to my mom than his own mother. My parents took him in from his broken home and showed him stability. He has been a part of our family since we started dating at 14. I can't bare to see his heart breaking like this. My kids constantly say how much they miss their Papa. They know their Nana is sick, but hurts seeing them worry about her. They are so scared she is going to leave them like Papa did. I just wish I could give her one of my kidneys and make her healthy again. I wish life were that easy. :(
Sorry for the long rant, I just had to get this out, I didn't want to make dh cry tonight and had to get this out of me somewhere else.
Thank you to everyone for your wonderful thoughts and kind words. We truly appreciate it. I cannot express my gratitude of what it means to read your comments right now. I even showed them to dh, who is sitting here next to me, yes in tears, and he too, says thank you. It is very kind for complete strangers to be so caring and thoughtful. May your lives be just as blessed as the blessings you so willingly send out into the world. Thank you so much, from our whole hearts.