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Did he change his mind? - upset vent

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 12 Replies

I'm a childless stepmom. My stepson is six. He's a wonderful boy and I absolutely adore him, but every day comes with the stinging reminder that I'm not mom. Although I'm very involved, I don't overstep. I understand that his mom is his mom; I would never try to take her place. While I enjoy my relationship with my stepson, I can't help that little twinge of sadness every time I'm reminded that I'm not mom.

About four months before we got married, DH had baby fever. Bad. I told him that I felt it would best to wait awhile. I wanted my stepson to feel comfortable with our family before bringing a new baby into the picture. I was also trying to finish my associate's degree and was overloaded with school.

In the time we've been married, DH and I have made a lot of improvements with our life. We got out of debt. We bought a house. DH just got a nice raise, and I just finished my associate's degree.

Over the weekend we were visiting my dad. We were talking about my brother and SIL who are expecting (she's about a month along). My stepmom asked if we had any plans of having children. DH started telling them that it was a ten year plan, because I wanted to finish my degree and start my career (teaching). He made it sound like he was ready, but I'm the one holding things up.

On the way home, I asked if we could talk about it. I told him that I felt I was ready. I told him that I think it would be best to have children now when I'm still studying versus trying to have them at the very beginning of my career. He basically said that we needed to wait until I started my career.

I brought it up later this evening, and started explaining why I think it would be best to start having our kids now. He then started going on about how I don't know what it's like having a baby. He kept saying, "You don't understand what it's like." I told him that nobody truly understands until they go through it, and that seemed like a weak argument against having children. He then said he didn't even know why we were talking about it and suggested the only reason I wanted to have kids was because my brother was having children. I told him that wasn't the case, but I wanted to talk about it because I didn't understand why he was blaming me for wanting to wait. I told him I was ready and I didn't understand why he kept trying to make it seem like I was the one saying no.

He then said, "What would you think about not having kids?" I was shocked. I made it very clear before we got married that I wanted one or two kids. When he saw the look on my face, he said, "Well ... what would you think about adopting." I asked him if he'd changed his mind and didn't want more kids, and he said "I wouldn't say that."

I left the room. He went to bed.  

I'm just so upset right now. Part of me feels really irrational, but another part of me feels like he's going back on our plans. I know initially I was the one that wanted to wait and I should respect his wishes to wait too, but I don't appreciate him trying to pass the blame and say I'm the one that's not ready. I also don't understand why he's trying to act like I'm clueless and treat me like I'm ignorant about raising kids.

Posted by Anonymous on May. 19, 2013 at 9:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ShesALady
by on May. 19, 2013 at 9:48 PM

 (HUGS) Give him some time. I go back and forth all the time. Some days I want another and other days I say no way. Maybe you just got him on a bad day. It's true though. It will be very hard to study with a demanding baby. Maybe he just wants you to get through with school first.

Mommy2b2many
by on May. 19, 2013 at 9:49 PM
It sounds like he's not completely sold on the idea of a new baby at this point in your lives. It makes sense; his son is 6 and he's probably remembering how hard those first years were.. I'd suggest sitting down and talking about it. It might be something he just needs some time to think about. It is a big commitment; maybe the whole baby thing didn't go well with his first wife and he's fearful things will go badly with you and him if a baby is added. Or he might really want you to put yourself and your education and career first for awhile. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Its easier to do both before having kids; but not impossible after having kids either. Good luck; I hope you guys can come to some sort of resolution!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 19, 2013 at 9:58 PM

I know it won't be easy, but I feel like I would be able to spend more time with a baby while I'm in school. I don't want to get degree, and then have to take a break between school and work. I don't want to start my career and then have to take a lot of time off, because we're finally having children. I don't want to have a baby and immediately ship if off to a babysitter's full time, because I have to go back to my career.

 

Quoting ShesALady:

 (HUGS) Give him some time. I go back and forth all the time. Some days I want another and other days I say no way. Maybe you just got him on a bad day. It's true though. It will be very hard to study with a demanding baby. Maybe he just wants you to get through with school first.

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 19, 2013 at 10:15 PM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 19, 2013 at 10:20 PM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 19, 2013 at 10:33 PM
BUMP!
Melbornj
by Platinum Member on May. 19, 2013 at 10:37 PM
Sounds like a case of he was ready you were not, now you are ready he is not. You are just going to have to wait until you are both ready. It sucks but he respected you enough to wait and now you are going to have to do the same.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 20, 2013 at 4:23 AM
BUMP!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 20, 2013 at 11:39 AM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 20, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Secret vasectomy???
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