I'm a childless stepmom. My stepson is six. He's a wonderful boy and I absolutely adore him, but every day comes with the stinging reminder that I'm not mom. Although I'm very involved, I don't overstep. I understand that his mom is his mom; I would never try to take her place. While I enjoy my relationship with my stepson, I can't help that little twinge of sadness every time I'm reminded that I'm not mom.
About four months before we got married, DH had baby fever. Bad. I told him that I felt it would best to wait awhile. I wanted my stepson to feel comfortable with our family before bringing a new baby into the picture. I was also trying to finish my associate's degree and was overloaded with school.
In the time we've been married, DH and I have made a lot of improvements with our life. We got out of debt. We bought a house. DH just got a nice raise, and I just finished my associate's degree.
Over the weekend we were visiting my dad. We were talking about my brother and SIL who are expecting (she's about a month along). My stepmom asked if we had any plans of having children. DH started telling them that it was a ten year plan, because I wanted to finish my degree and start my career (teaching). He made it sound like he was ready, but I'm the one holding things up.
On the way home, I asked if we could talk about it. I told him that I felt I was ready. I told him that I think it would be best to have children now when I'm still studying versus trying to have them at the very beginning of my career. He basically said that we needed to wait until I started my career.
I brought it up later this evening, and started explaining why I think it would be best to start having our kids now. He then started going on about how I don't know what it's like having a baby. He kept saying, "You don't understand what it's like." I told him that nobody truly understands until they go through it, and that seemed like a weak argument against having children. He then said he didn't even know why we were talking about it and suggested the only reason I wanted to have kids was because my brother was having children. I told him that wasn't the case, but I wanted to talk about it because I didn't understand why he was blaming me for wanting to wait. I told him I was ready and I didn't understand why he kept trying to make it seem like I was the one saying no.
He then said, "What would you think about not having kids?" I was shocked. I made it very clear before we got married that I wanted one or two kids. When he saw the look on my face, he said, "Well ... what would you think about adopting." I asked him if he'd changed his mind and didn't want more kids, and he said "I wouldn't say that."
I left the room. He went to bed.
I'm just so upset right now. Part of me feels really irrational, but another part of me feels like he's going back on our plans. I know initially I was the one that wanted to wait and I should respect his wishes to wait too, but I don't appreciate him trying to pass the blame and say I'm the one that's not ready. I also don't understand why he's trying to act like I'm clueless and treat me like I'm ignorant about raising kids.