Seriously?? Love waking up to my 12 yo with multiple facial piercings. 2nd edit in red.
What exactly is considered an appropriate punishment for a 12 year old giving herself "snake bite" piercings?? This isn't the first time she has pierced herself and the first time resulted in a huge infection. She was aware before she did it that she wasn't allowed to. Now what??
I'm at a complete loss here and yes, I'm aware that I'm not only in the running for parent fail of the year but I'm practically a shoo-in. That being said, I'm trying and I need advice.
ETA: I am only at about the 200ish post so I'm pretty far behind in responses. I talked to DD a bit ago and asked her why she wants the piercings and she gave me a few different reasons. Of course she said she just wants them and they're cool. She then went on to say that they help her self-esteem. I asked how and she said that they make her feel more beautiful. I don't really know how to respond to that. I know she has low self-esteem and we try to bolster it at every chance we get but it tends to make her irritated and angry when we show her affection, compliment her, or speak positively to her.
She said she wanted to keep the holes and I asked her to tell me why she deserves to keep them, considering everything she has done to show us that she isn't mature or responsible. She started out with the "it's not fair" deal and I interrupted her and told her I wanted her to think about her answer before she gave it to me and I suggested she avoid phrases like "I need a second chance," "it's not fair," and "just because." She said she needed a minute and I suggested she write it down if that was easier.
2nd Edit: I'm over the entire situation at this point. DD wrote me a note that said she wanted to keep the piercings because they make her cool and more people like her when she is cool. She also said that she thinks she deserves this chance because this is the first time she has successfully pierced herself...whatever that means.
When I tried to talk calmly with her about boundaries and earning the things she wants she literally threw a temper tantrum on the floor. I told her I wasn't going to reward her behavior and that this conversation would have a very different end if she was being respectful, doing her school work, and being helpful.
I reminded her that we don't expect her to be perfect and her idea of beauty doesn't have to be our idea of beauty. I asked her how she feels we can help her raise her self-esteem in a way that does not involve spending a lot of money or body modification for the time being. She said she would be happier if we got her salon hair extensions and acrylic nails. I said no, that she needs to earn the extras in life. She wants a "restart" and wants us to buy/give her the things she wants and let her work the cost off. I told her she lacked credibility at this point and she was going to have to do it the old fashioned way and show us that she is capable of making good choices.
She told me to go fuck myself and said she was going to keep them open one way or another. Then she said this is why she has never liked me, that she hates me, and she stormed off to her room, yelling over her shoulder that I am a bitch.
Edit 3: There are so many posts there is no way I can reply to all or even most of them individually so I'm doing it here. I talked to her again this morning before school. She claims she is trying to make better choices. She apologized on her own accord for cursing at me. I told her she wouldn't be going to camp and that she was going to have to do work for our church (they pay for the camps) to pay them back. She seemed shocked and said she wouldn't do it. I said she either does it or her life gets a lot smaller.
We don't touch DD. She doesn't want us to and in the past couple of months she has attempted to and actually succeeded in reporting me for abuse. We were investigated and it was dismissed because of the amount of advocating I've done for her with the school system, hospital, and her treatment team. CPS and the police advised us not to touch her and to just call them if she gets aggressive or "runs away." We've called a few times but they really are not much help and she isn't concerned with them.
I'm going to keep trying. I figure I have 6 years before she is 18 and she might hate me right now but she obviously needs someone to attempt to guide her and be there for her. As far as the piercings go, she isn't getting anything done professionally and she won't be keeping the holes she made. I've asked her teachers to let me know if she has earrings in her face. I told her I would be there in 5 minutes and I would pull them out in front of the other kids. That freaked her out. I don't really have anything left to take away and taking away things doesn't really seem to bother her in the long run. I'm struggling to find a way to discipline her and communicate with her. There is an imbalance in our house that we are fully aware of and we've tried everything we can think of to get it back in place. She has just decided that she isn't afraid of us or anything we can dish out so she just does what she wants. Thank you for the advice ladies.