Why did I do this? I feel so damaged ...Long...Possible Triggers
I feel so fucking damaged. So lost. I feel like I am a lousy mother. I have dropped my son while playing with him. I have broken down crying in front of him. My son doesn't need a basketcase mommy.What kind of mother am I if I breakdown like that?
Yet I have so much rage beneath the surface. Rage with so much drama and bullshit my life has had. I know, I know I should not bitch. I have bitched about this crap before, but HOW do you block bad memories from haunting you? I keep wondering if karma is really going to come around and justice be served.
Ever since I was raped and nearly killed in 2010 I have become such a different person. I was treated like a criminal by the D.A's office. I just recently wrote that office a letter basically reminding them about my case and giving them a ration of shit for how I was treated. Now I don't quite know what to do with it. I want to send it, I would post it here but its a little long (3 pages handwrittten). Yet I am holding back. Why? I am not sure really.
Another thing that really pisses me off is that I CANNOT really talk about my rape/assault/strangulation with my S.O. He gets so pissed off about it, I cannot talk to him, and sometimes I really need to. Like when I have nightmares, nightmares about running into the man that raped me, and my SO fighting him but getting stabbed...that is what the last one was like. I could not even scream. Sort of like when that bastard had me captive. It was the longest 3 hours of my life. Sometimes I just need to talk about it. But its like a taboo subject everywhere.
Letter writing has been my thing this week, I also wrote a letter to my sister, who I have not seen since she was 7. I miss her soo much that I posted it here actually, some of you even replied to the post. Now since writing both letters my emotions are really in an uproar. Now I don't know what to do to with all this "angry" energy that has come to the surface.
I feel so helpless, so hopeless. Both situations are out of my control....and I really want to just start kicking some ass. What in hell would you do? Thanks for reading all of this, if you made it all the way through, you rock. I apologize if I am babbling...I am tired but cannot sleep. My brain is fried.
I refuse to conform, I refuse to take crap from others, I am a sassy, smart, honest, fabulous and sexy Texas Mama.
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