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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Why did I do this? I feel so damaged ...Long...Possible Triggers

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 3:51 AM
  • 30 Replies

I feel so fucking damaged. So lost. I feel like I am a lousy mother. I have dropped my son while playing with him. I have broken down crying in front of him. My son doesn't need a basketcase mommy.What kind of mother am I if I breakdown like that?

Yet I have so much rage beneath the surface. Rage with so much drama and bullshit my life has had. I know, I know I should not bitch. I have bitched about this crap before, but HOW do you block bad memories from haunting you? I keep wondering if karma is really going to come around and justice be served.

Ever since I was raped and nearly killed in 2010 I have become such a different person. I was treated like a criminal by the D.A's office. I just recently wrote that office a letter basically reminding them about my case and giving them a ration of shit for how I was treated. Now I don't quite know what to do with it. I want to send it, I would post it here but its a little long (3 pages handwrittten). Yet I am holding back. Why? I am not sure really.

Another thing that really pisses me off is that I CANNOT really talk about my rape/assault/strangulation with my S.O. He gets so pissed off about it, I cannot talk to him, and sometimes I really need to. Like when I have nightmares, nightmares about running into the man that raped me, and my SO fighting him but getting stabbed...that is what the last one was like. I could not even scream. Sort of like when that bastard had me captive. It was the longest 3 hours of my life. Sometimes I just need to talk about it. But its like a taboo subject everywhere.

Letter writing has been my thing this week, I also wrote a letter to my sister, who I have not seen since she was 7.  I miss her soo much that I posted it here actually, some of you even replied to the post. Now since writing both letters my emotions are really in an uproar. Now I don't know what to do to with all this "angry" energy that has come to the surface.

I feel so helpless, so hopeless. Both situations are out of my control....and I really want to just start kicking some ass. What in hell would you do?  Thanks for reading all of this, if you made it all the way through, you rock. I apologize if I am babbling...I am tired but cannot sleep. My brain is fried.

I refuse to conform, I refuse to take crap from others, I am a sassy, smart, honest, fabulous and sexy Texas Mama.

Save The Planet- Go Green!

by on May. 24, 2013 at 3:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
BekahBrownEyes
by NoLies on May. 24, 2013 at 3:52 AM

bump?

BekahBrownEyes
by NoLies on May. 24, 2013 at 3:53 AM

BUMP!

kiriis
by Gold Member on May. 24, 2013 at 3:57 AM

*hugs*

tysmommy98
by on May. 24, 2013 at 3:58 AM
Is there some sort of support group near by? Have you tried therapy? Maybe those are a good place to get started? Good luck. I hope you find the answers you need.
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BekahBrownEyes
by NoLies on May. 24, 2013 at 4:00 AM


Quoting kiriis:

*hugs*

Thank You....


GFG...now I am crying like a dummy

shortycmlb
by Gold Member on May. 24, 2013 at 4:02 AM

I would tell your DH that LOOK you selfish SOB. I went through something terrible. So you're going to man the fuck up, shut the fuck up and support me. It wasn't my fault and I need to get it out. 


I was raped in 2006 when *my now* dh and I were dating. It took until 2009 for me to snap and be like fuck it. You need to listen to me and I can't take it anymore. I was treated like crap because my rapist was a deputys son and I was fat (so theres NO way apparantly that someone raping a fat chick was plausible). He needs to be your support now more than ever, it's either that or a counselor. >>>HUGS<<< 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 24, 2013 at 4:03 AM

Oh good gravy, I will NEVER understand why someone LETS their abuser CONTINUE to have power over them! You fucking focus on your life not the shit that happened 3 YEARS AGO!




BekahBrownEyes
by NoLies on May. 24, 2013 at 4:03 AM


Quoting tysmommy98:

Is there some sort of support group near by? Have you tried therapy? Maybe those are a good place to get started? Good luck. I hope you find the answers you need.

I have not been in a support group for a good while. Therapy...yes, but I stopped because the emotions were too much when talking about the rape. I am planning to go back very soon. I am just scared.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 24, 2013 at 4:06 AM

I was raped/abused five years ago so I know what you are going through and I am sorry your SO isn't being real supportive. I would suggest a support group, that is what helped me when there were times I felt like giving up. I also keep a journal, so when I can't talk to anyone at least i can let go of my resentment and frustration. What helps me is a hobby, if you find something you enjoy for me it is singing, some gardening, knitting, drawing. You get the idea anyways hope you feel better mama. 

BekahBrownEyes
by NoLies on May. 24, 2013 at 4:09 AM


Quoting Anonymous:

Oh good gravy, I will NEVER understand why someone LETS their abuser CONTINUE to have power over them! You fucking focus on your life not the shit that happened 3 YEARS AGO!




I cannot stop the flashbacks or the nightmares. They just happen. You don't think it pisses me off? Even my counselors have said you cannot stop flashbacks from happening.  Yeah its clear why you will NEVER understand. The other part is I am mad as hell that the DA's office made me feel like I deserved to be attacked. Excuse me for not being as perfect as you my dear. I posted this because I am fed up and frustrated with the emotions I still have. So take your obviously cowardly opinion and go straight to the deepest circle of hell.

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