i posted a few weeks ago, about losing my kids.
their father has custody now. and i'm having a REALLY hard time. i havent posted here about the subject since that day. dont wanna be a whiner. dont wanna be a downer.
but i'm breaking here. i need someone to talk to. i need support, because it is killing me. i have seen them some. i have talked to them some, but its not the same. i am missing so much. their feild trips- i wasnt there. their feild days, i wasnt there. their last day of school was yesterday, and i called to talk about it. they were gone to grandmas for the night. i feel like i'm really losing them. losing their love for me. loosing our bond. my 2 yo wont even cuddle me when i see her. the cuddles are gone. i know my ex gets cuddles. " atleast you get to see them" is the argument. seeing my kids for an hour every few days is NOT the same. i was a sahm for 6 years until like a year ago. when i got divorced. started working. i'm tired. i'm trying. and i wanna cry and hide in a closet. i dont wanna get out of bed. i find myself not wanting to be around people. smiling happy people wanting to talk about shit. i'm angry. i want to be left alone. i want the world to go quiet. i want my kids. i want my kids. i want to scream. everyone is saying " counceling" what good is that going to do? i cant afford it, i dont have the time too. talking to a stranger trying to convince them that i'm not a bad parent isnt going to get me my kids back. i lost them because this world is unfair. our country is unfair. our justice system sucks. crying in a room to someone that gets paid to listen to me isnt going to fix things. it wont let me get hugs, and the ability to kiss painful boo-boos. i'm lashing out pretty bad. i really do want to be left alone. its overwhelming. and i cant make it stop. i keep saying " just give me 5 minutes. leave me alone, quit talking to me." people are getting mad. nobody understands. i think i cant do this.