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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My step kids birth mother died

Dh and I have had full custody of my step kids for 6 years. It has been that long since BM has seen the kids. It has been two years since she talked to them. All of that was her own choice. Today a sheriff from the state she was living in called dh to let him know she had killed herself. And now we have to tell our kids. BM's mom is driving out to be here when dh tells the kids, she will be here in 7 or 8 hours. They are going to be so hurt, it's killing me. The kids are 10 (11 next month), 9 and 8. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about them being in pain.

Thanks for the good wishes. We don't know what we will tell them, dh and Grami (BM's mom) will figure it out when she gets here. That's when they will figure out if there will be a funeral or what. Dh has spent the last few hours looking at old photos and showing them to the kids.

We told the kids, this morning, and told them the truth. My step daughter (8) was very upset, my step sons cried a little but not as much. We took a hike had lunch and then just relaxed. They are still sad but doing ok. The medical examiners office is closed until Tuesday, so dh has to wait until then to talk to them. We will leave it up to the kids if they want to go to a funeral or not. Everything else we are just going one day at a time. Again thank you for the kind words.
by on May. 25, 2013 at 6:06 PM
Replies (31-40):
shivasgirl
by Platinum Member on May. 25, 2013 at 7:28 PM

are you in my custodial stepmom's group? I think you would get really good support in there

blessed107
by Platinum Member on May. 25, 2013 at 7:30 PM

Just keep giving them lots of hugs.

ChicatSixty
by on May. 25, 2013 at 7:32 PM
2 moms liked this

This is such a terrible loss for them on so many levels. If they are still in school, tell their teachers. Call the school, even if it is out for the summer and see if they can talk to the site/district counselor.

Check with your county mental health center and see if they have any programs available for your children.

Get your ducks in a row (school/counseling) just in case. There is no right answer or correct method of addressing this other than being supportive. If they want to cry, be the loving arms that will shelter them. If they DON'T want to cry, be understanding there, as well.

They may want to plan some kind of family rememberece service. Tape it. It will be a life long gift to them, just knowing that there were good things to rememebr about her.

There is a wonderful book that I have used when I was teaching the littles in kinder, first and second

If you search "Books for children about death" there is a huge list of books. The story of Freddie the Leaf is a well known and very gently book but you may find others that fit your needs just as well.

Be prepared for them to become more or less clingy. You may find everyone in your bed in the middle of the night. (In my home, we did the everyone in bed with me in the beginning and then would make a nest from qullts from the linen closet right at bedtime....just in case. Sometimes, they were fine. Other times. not.

As adults, they drive down to LA now, several times a year. They talk and cry, buy flowers, visit and then go out for lunch. ecause their father had served in Vietnam, he is at a memorial cemetary. At our first visit (I had called ahead), he had a 21 gun salute, a folded flag for both children and two wonderful volunteers who walked and talked with them. Now, if they sort of want to talk to someone, they call ahead and there is always someone there who will listen and listen and listen and then talk a little.

Even if your children had not seen thier mother for years and years and years, this will still hurt their hearts.
My father had not seen or talked to his mother for sixty years when she died. He was so sad for over a year. It was as if something was just missing in his heart. And then, one day, he was back. Everyone grievces differently.

Oh, hugs to all of you. The worst of this is that there are no classes to take to prepare. No way to have this just seamlessly enter and exit their lives without a ripple.

Just love them.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on May. 25, 2013 at 7:32 PM
Hugs! Just be there for them and know grief can be expressed In many ways. As long as they aren't hurting themselves or others their grief is normal. Hold those babies! I'm sorry!!
MommyTo5Boys
by Silver Member on May. 25, 2013 at 7:32 PM

I am so sorry, altho it will very much effect them maybe it will be a little easier on them since she was so uninvolved in their lives and was more of a relationship of an acquaintance than that of a mother figure :/

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VintageWife
by Silver Member on May. 25, 2013 at 7:32 PM

Are you going to tell them that she killed herself or just that her mind was sick?

Melissa_4
by Ruby Member on May. 25, 2013 at 7:34 PM

Wait a minute...what kind of relationship does BM's mother have with the children?  Why should SHE be there if she hasn't been a part of their lives?  Is she expecting to take the children?  Honestly, at their ages, there is no reason that they should be told that she took her own life.  Please call a pediactric counselor and ask their advice.  

Do the kids ask about her?  Have they had any communication with her at all in the past two years?  Any way of not telling them til they're out of school?  Do they have to go to a burial or wake?


Quoting happy-go-lucky:

Dh and I have had full custody of my step kids for 6 years. It has been that long since BM has seen the kids. It has been two years since she talked to them. All of that was her own choice. Today a sheriff from the state she was living in called dh to let him know she had killed herself. And now we have to tell our kids. BM's mom is driving out to be here when dh tells the kids, she will be here in 7 or 8 hours. They are going to be so hurt, it's killing me. The kids are 10 (11 next month), 9 and 8. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about them being in pain.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on May. 25, 2013 at 7:36 PM
My step daughter's mother killed herself last year... We were in a custody battle with her because she was on drugs... Its gonna be a long hard road even if she hasn't seen them
CeeGee81
by CanadaGirl on May. 25, 2013 at 7:37 PM

How heartbreaking :(

MommyTo5Boys
by Silver Member on May. 25, 2013 at 7:38 PM

Where is this group .... I tried searching for it with no results????

Quoting shivasgirl:

are you in my custodial stepmom's group? I think you would get really good support in there


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