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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My step kids birth mother died

Dh and I have had full custody of my step kids for 6 years. It has been that long since BM has seen the kids. It has been two years since she talked to them. All of that was her own choice. Today a sheriff from the state she was living in called dh to let him know she had killed herself. And now we have to tell our kids. BM's mom is driving out to be here when dh tells the kids, she will be here in 7 or 8 hours. They are going to be so hurt, it's killing me. The kids are 10 (11 next month), 9 and 8. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about them being in pain.

Thanks for the good wishes. We don't know what we will tell them, dh and Grami (BM's mom) will figure it out when she gets here. That's when they will figure out if there will be a funeral or what. Dh has spent the last few hours looking at old photos and showing them to the kids.

We told the kids, this morning, and told them the truth. My step daughter (8) was very upset, my step sons cried a little but not as much. We took a hike had lunch and then just relaxed. They are still sad but doing ok. The medical examiners office is closed until Tuesday, so dh has to wait until then to talk to them. We will leave it up to the kids if they want to go to a funeral or not. Everything else we are just going one day at a time. Again thank you for the kind words.
by on May. 25, 2013 at 6:06 PM
Replies (61-70):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on May. 26, 2013 at 11:29 AM
If any of the children ever need to seek psychological help, it would be important to know a biological parent has committed suicide. Some medications have way higher rates of suicidal ideations and would need to be avoided.

Quoting maiahlynn:

I would tell them she passed but I wouldnt tell them the details I wouldnt tell them she killed herself.. mot until they were much much older maybe never.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on May. 26, 2013 at 11:31 AM

Im so sorry for your step-childrens loss.


Bm was a meth addict of my DSD for 12 years and she killed herself when she was coming off of meth. She had been in and out of jail all of DSD's life and was never really a part of her life. Her mother put a gun in her mouth. It was heartbreaking but DSD is in full time thearpy and it has helped tremendously.

Good luck.

MichLW69
by PackersXLV4 on May. 26, 2013 at 11:31 AM
Wow. I am so sorry for your (step) children. I can't imagine how their world is going to change in a few hours. Thankfully, they have your DH, grandma and yourself.
dalbax2
by Gold Member on May. 26, 2013 at 11:34 AM

 

I agree.  It is going to be hard enough for them w/o revealing this information. Do they talk about her often?

Quoting illogicalkat:

Just be there for them. Keep loving them & let them know that you do.

And I wouldn't tell them that she committed suicide. They don't really need to know that, not right now at least.


 

AllieReed
by Gold Member on May. 26, 2013 at 11:36 AM
I am so sorry for those kids :-(
robsmom45
by on May. 26, 2013 at 11:50 AM

Be there for you step-children but also for DH.   Someone asked why he is upset, but I totally get that.  She was the mother of his children.  At once point he loved her (and maybe married her?).   She obviously has problems and he made a choice to do what he thought was best for his children.   He is going to have some feelings of failure, that maybe he didn't do enough etc.  He loves his kids and she was their BM.  Help him to help them,  but also keep an eye on him.

happy-go-lucky
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2013 at 1:12 PM
Her boyfriend died in a car accident and she killed herself right after. I don't know if dh will tell them she killed herself, but they need to know she is dead.


Quoting Anonymous:

Im so sorry for your family. I really have mixed feelings abiut this. My SD mom od'ed on pills. She had tr ied suicide before when SD was 4. I can tell you the efffects it has had in my family is like a bomb went off. A once giggly little girl now has PTSD and huge abandonment issues. To tbe point that if we go to the store she clings to dh or someone so very afraid to be alone for even a few minutes. Part of me thinks why do they even need to know There goes their childhood. But that was the hand they were delt I guess. Did she leave a note as to why?

happy-go-lucky
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2013 at 1:16 PM
He is sad because she was someone he loved, they dated in high school, got married soon after high school and were married for 9 years. She is the mother of three of his kids. She was a huge part of his life.

And now there never is the hope she might change and be a good mom to them. That they could have a real relationship. And he knows this is going to hurt his kids badly.


Quoting Anonymous:

I must be cold hearted? She was a dead beat mom, why does anyone care and get upset? She was dh's ex? Why is he soo sad?

happy-go-lucky
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2013 at 1:19 PM
We have to think about what is best for the kids, and being honest with them is what is best. We don't know about a funeral yet, but if our kids want to go, we will make sure that happens.

She might not deserve to have them there, but what she deserves doesn't matter


Quoting Coconutty4Hubby:

I agree, she hasn't seen her kids in 6 years, that's straight up abandonment. She was already practically dead, to them.

I wouldn't tell the kids. I wouldn't even take them to her funeral, she doesn't deserve it.




Quoting MrsHMS:

Thats my post. I didn't mean to post anonymously.







Quoting Anonymous:

Im so sorry for your family. I really have mixed feelings abiut this. My SD mom od'ed on pills. She had tr ied suicide before when SD was 4. I can tell you the efffects it has had in my family is like a bomb went off. A once giggly little girl now has PTSD and huge abandonment issues. To tbe point that if we go to the store she clings to dh or someone so very afraid to be alone for even a few minutes. Part of me thinks why do they even need to know There goes their childhood. But that was the hand they were delt I guess. Did she leave a note as to why?



Coconutty4Hubby
by Cafe Goddess on May. 26, 2013 at 1:23 PM

I'm sorry, I was thinking about myself when I wrote this.

~My bio-sperm donor was a deadbeat, and still is. I was mature enough at that age to distance myself from him (because I saw him maybe once a year and he would try and make me say I Love You, and I would not and he would get ANGRY and yell and leave).  If he had died, I would want to have known why and I would not have graced his funeral with my presence.~

I am sorry for your families loss, I am sorry her BF died a tragic death and now your children will feel the total heartache of not knowing if she would have changed and tried to have been there for them.

Quoting happy-go-lucky:

We have to think about what is best for the kids, and being honest with them is what is best. We don't know about a funeral yet, but if our kids want to go, we will make sure that happens.

She might not deserve to have them there, but what she deserves doesn't matter 
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