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Question to moms who's childrens fathers live far away....

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My 5 year old sons father cheated on me in October, I found out and threw him out.  In November I started looking into moving 240 miles away to be near my family.  In December we got back together mainly because I am stupid and he said that he wanted to spend as much time as he could with me and the kids before I moved.  We did that.  Things were never the same between us.  I moved in April and have traveled the distince to bring my son to see his dad twice already.  I do not have the money to keep doing it, but feel obligated to in order for him to see his dad.  Mind you, my son doesn't even want to go and see him.  He never wants to talk on the phone to him, he is hurt and his hurt is caused by our arguing.  He has seen his dad be abusive toward me a lot.  We had a rough ten years.  Our relationship was not stable and he was controlling and abusive in every way.  He wants to see his son for Fathers Day weekend (which is also his birthday weekend) but   A) I don't want to be around him, he wants me to take him back and I am weak.... oh so very weak.  B) He will not help me with ANY money.   He as a matter of fact has asked me for money and I gave it.  I am hurting now and cannot afford the gas and turnpike tolls.  Not to mention food and any other money spent.  It is difficult for me.  

What would you do???  How do you work out long distance visitation with children??  Should I be responsible since I chose to move and took his son??  Please give me some advice.

by on May. 25, 2013 at 11:27 PM
Replies (41-50):
SexyTeacher
by Member on May. 26, 2013 at 5:59 AM

We always split the cost 50/50. 

LexsMami
by Silver Member on May. 26, 2013 at 6:01 AM

Anytime! You can pm me if you want. I wish I could help you more. My friend lives outside Pittsburgh I can ask her if she knows anyone who could help you more than I can. She is the only person I know in PA. I really do recommend calling the domestic violence center there or even the national hotline. They can give you excellent resources and advice. They would know the law there better than I do, at least the local office would. They can also provide you with an attorney/help you get a good free one. I physically had to drag my friend to the domestic violence center here, but they helped her get away from her abuser and I helped her to stay strong both at home and at court. If I was closer, I'd do the same for you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. That same friend is now with a wonderful man who would never hurt her and they are about to have a little boy. If my friend can make it...3 kids, no money, no nothing except me, her dad, and the domestic violence center to help her...so can you. It sounds like your brother wants to help you...let him protect you and your son. Don't call your ex, don't help him in any way. If he contacts you...let someone else talk to him until you are strong. Don't let yourself be in a situation that he can manipulate you. If he tells you he is coming up there, leave for a few days. Don't be available to his abuse. That is the best advice I can give you, but I am not a professional. Here is the national number for domestic violence. Please call them and get professional advice. 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)

Quoting jj4ij:

Fake it until you make it!  I have heard it before, but never used it in my life.  You are so correct.  Maybe I can do that.   

Yes, he does know exactly where I am at.  I live across the street from my brothers and we had visited my brother before.  I am almost shocked that he hasn't come here yet, and I pray he doesn't.  My brother is on the other hand hoping he comes here.  He really wants to see him, and not in a nice way.  My brother is VERY protective of me and warned him never to hurt me.  My brother is not happy that he hurt me.  I do not want that drama.  I hate drama, and although I attract it, I do NOT want to drag my brother into it.  

My sons father keeps saying that my brother is the one keeping me from wanting to be with him... that I need to not listen to other people, that I need to follow my heart, that only I can know what I want, that no one else can tell me.  It goes on and on, the manipulation.  For hours.  He wears me down until I give in.  

I like the fake it until you make it slogan.  I hope I am strong enought to handle it.  I will try.  Thank you for the good advice : )

Quoting LexsMami:

Short of shooting him dead, there is no easy way out...plus that opens up other horrible circumstances. Fake being strong until you are strong...Fake it until you make it. That is the only good advice my mom ever gave me. If you can't handle being cold to him on the phone, have someone else talk to him until you can "face" him. Does he know exactly where you are?

Quoting jj4ij:

I wish I was able to be cold.  I pray for strength every night.  I am so weak though and he really does have control of me.  He is very dominent and I am very submissive.  He scares me.  I don't know what to do.  I want to be a strong woman, and I really thought moving this far would help me, but it hasn't.  It really is hard.  I pray also that he just goes away, but that doesn't seem to be happening either.  I want an easy way out.  

Quoting LexsMami:

Ok then just don't go to court now, but stay away. The man has nowhere to stay, no money, has never taken an interest in his child, and is abusive. No good judge would make you do those things, but you never know what can happen in court. My advice...stay away and do as much legal research as you can to find out if there are similar cases in recent history in your area. If they rule in favor of the mother...cite those cases when you do go to court. Try to get yourself in as good as a situation as possible and then cream him in court later on, if it comes to that. Don't help your ex in any way at all...don't accomodate him whatsoever. You owe this jackass nothing. You already gave him 10 years. He squandered it, so it is time to move on to bigger and better things. Be cold, Honey. Be cold and save yourself and your son from misery. 

Quoting jj4ij:

I am scared of him going to court and filing saying that I kidnapped our son.  That I moved away and then the judge can make me bring him on weekends or something.  I could not afford to travel frequently.  It is a costly trip.  I am so confused.

Quoting LexsMami:

NO!!!!!! Don't accomodate him...don't let him near you or your kid until you and your kid can handle it. Take his ass to court and get custody. Get the abuse documented...save all texts, letters, record phone calls if you have to...just stay away from him. Your kid doesn't want to see him...good! No reason to go then!

Quoting jj4ij:

I know.  I almost agreed to take him back today, until my brother came and talked some sense to me.  I want to help him.  He has to leave our home by June 1st and really has no where to go.  Of course he wants me back.  I am so dumb.  Well, I am so hurt.  I put ten years of my life into this relationship, this weekend as a matter of fact is ten years.  So it is very hard for me.  I thought I would feel so much better when I moved, but I don't.  I just feel depressed.  I at some moments accept the fact of sacrificing my happiness to just have him here.  Really I don't want to.  I want to be happy, deserve to be happy.  I know he hasn't changed, I know that is not possible. I am not stupid, just very weak.  Sad and weak.  

We will never come to an agreement.  He will never make my life easier.  I know that.  He is used to me doing everything he says.  He has me trained.  I need to break that but am kind of scared to.  I don't want to see him.  I don't want him to talk me into bringing him back, and I am sure he will.  So am I wrong if I do not take his son to see him???  

Quoting newlife2013:

Pls realize you have tolerated enough, if you have one foot out, don't stop going out the door to begin a new life.
No I wouldn't go through the trouble, if you financially can't and you are struggling, focus on your child and yourself, time for the x to act like a man. You both have to come to an agreement in order to move on amicably.









Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 26, 2013 at 6:12 AM
1 mom liked this
If you haven't looked into domestic abuse resources you should check them out. Even though you are away from Ex physically now the trauma is still affecting you, and your son. Ex also seems to still be trying to be mentally abusive, and controlling which sounds scary. I think you said you're in PA, and this site has some information. http://www.pcadv.org/
jj4ij
by Silver Member on May. 26, 2013 at 6:12 AM

Thank you.  I will call.  I live about an hour away from Pittsburgh.  I moved here from Philadelphia.  I never thought to call a domestic violence center for help.  I did call though when I was in Philly and they were not helpful at all.  Maybe it will be different here.  My brother is there for me and I am grateful for him.  I helped him almost 5 years ago when his ex was going to take his kids and leave the state.  He went to the school before her and got them first.  Then he moved out here, luckily their mother never looked for them or cared what happened to them, but he is very grateful to me.  She did plan on taking them, but she was running away with her lover to his moms down in SC and she just went without her boys.  She wasn't letting nothing stop her.  He feels he owes me for that.  

I need to clear my head.  I need to not talk to him for a while, but he will not allow that.

Quoting LexsMami:

Anytime! You can pm me if you want. I wish I could help you more. My friend lives outside Pittsburgh I can ask her if she knows anyone who could help you more than I can. She is the only person I know in PA. I really do recommend calling the domestic violence center there or even the national hotline. They can give you excellent resources and advice. They would know the law there better than I do, at least the local office would. They can also provide you with an attorney/help you get a good free one. I physically had to drag my friend to the domestic violence center here, but they helped her get away from her abuser and I helped her to stay strong both at home and at court. If I was closer, I'd do the same for you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. That same friend is now with a wonderful man who would never hurt her and they are about to have a little boy. If my friend can make it...3 kids, no money, no nothing except me, her dad, and the domestic violence center to help her...so can you. It sounds like your brother wants to help you...let him protect you and your son. Don't call your ex, don't help him in any way. If he contacts you...let someone else talk to him until you are strong. Don't let yourself be in a situation that he can manipulate you. If he tells you he is coming up there, leave for a few days. Don't be available to his abuse. That is the best advice I can give you, but I am not a professional. Here is the national number for domestic violence. Please call them and get professional advice. 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)

Quoting jj4ij:

Fake it until you make it!  I have heard it before, but never used it in my life.  You are so correct.  Maybe I can do that.   

Yes, he does know exactly where I am at.  I live across the street from my brothers and we had visited my brother before.  I am almost shocked that he hasn't come here yet, and I pray he doesn't.  My brother is on the other hand hoping he comes here.  He really wants to see him, and not in a nice way.  My brother is VERY protective of me and warned him never to hurt me.  My brother is not happy that he hurt me.  I do not want that drama.  I hate drama, and although I attract it, I do NOT want to drag my brother into it.  

My sons father keeps saying that my brother is the one keeping me from wanting to be with him... that I need to not listen to other people, that I need to follow my heart, that only I can know what I want, that no one else can tell me.  It goes on and on, the manipulation.  For hours.  He wears me down until I give in.  

I like the fake it until you make it slogan.  I hope I am strong enought to handle it.  I will try.  Thank you for the good advice : )

Quoting LexsMami:

Short of shooting him dead, there is no easy way out...plus that opens up other horrible circumstances. Fake being strong until you are strong...Fake it until you make it. That is the only good advice my mom ever gave me. If you can't handle being cold to him on the phone, have someone else talk to him until you can "face" him. Does he know exactly where you are?

Quoting jj4ij:

I wish I was able to be cold.  I pray for strength every night.  I am so weak though and he really does have control of me.  He is very dominent and I am very submissive.  He scares me.  I don't know what to do.  I want to be a strong woman, and I really thought moving this far would help me, but it hasn't.  It really is hard.  I pray also that he just goes away, but that doesn't seem to be happening either.  I want an easy way out.  

Quoting LexsMami:

Ok then just don't go to court now, but stay away. The man has nowhere to stay, no money, has never taken an interest in his child, and is abusive. No good judge would make you do those things, but you never know what can happen in court. My advice...stay away and do as much legal research as you can to find out if there are similar cases in recent history in your area. If they rule in favor of the mother...cite those cases when you do go to court. Try to get yourself in as good as a situation as possible and then cream him in court later on, if it comes to that. Don't help your ex in any way at all...don't accomodate him whatsoever. You owe this jackass nothing. You already gave him 10 years. He squandered it, so it is time to move on to bigger and better things. Be cold, Honey. Be cold and save yourself and your son from misery. 

Quoting jj4ij:

I am scared of him going to court and filing saying that I kidnapped our son.  That I moved away and then the judge can make me bring him on weekends or something.  I could not afford to travel frequently.  It is a costly trip.  I am so confused.

Quoting LexsMami:

NO!!!!!! Don't accomodate him...don't let him near you or your kid until you and your kid can handle it. Take his ass to court and get custody. Get the abuse documented...save all texts, letters, record phone calls if you have to...just stay away from him. Your kid doesn't want to see him...good! No reason to go then!

Quoting jj4ij:

I know.  I almost agreed to take him back today, until my brother came and talked some sense to me.  I want to help him.  He has to leave our home by June 1st and really has no where to go.  Of course he wants me back.  I am so dumb.  Well, I am so hurt.  I put ten years of my life into this relationship, this weekend as a matter of fact is ten years.  So it is very hard for me.  I thought I would feel so much better when I moved, but I don't.  I just feel depressed.  I at some moments accept the fact of sacrificing my happiness to just have him here.  Really I don't want to.  I want to be happy, deserve to be happy.  I know he hasn't changed, I know that is not possible. I am not stupid, just very weak.  Sad and weak.  

We will never come to an agreement.  He will never make my life easier.  I know that.  He is used to me doing everything he says.  He has me trained.  I need to break that but am kind of scared to.  I don't want to see him.  I don't want him to talk me into bringing him back, and I am sure he will.  So am I wrong if I do not take his son to see him???  

Quoting newlife2013:

Pls realize you have tolerated enough, if you have one foot out, don't stop going out the door to begin a new life.
No I wouldn't go through the trouble, if you financially can't and you are struggling, focus on your child and yourself, time for the x to act like a man. You both have to come to an agreement in order to move on amicably.










jj4ij
by Silver Member on May. 26, 2013 at 12:18 PM

BUMP!

Motherof3inNJ
by Gold Member on May. 26, 2013 at 12:24 PM

Do you have a court order? If not, I would get one for visitation and child support.

jj4ij
by Silver Member on May. 26, 2013 at 12:27 PM

No, I will not be a resident here until I have lived here for 6 months.  I cannot file here yet and I pray that he doesn't go file where we did live.  If so I am scared I may get into trouble for taking our son.  He knew we were going, but he could easily say I just up and left.  I did not file for child support because he asked me not to and I am scared of starting trouble with him.  He says that once he moves, he has to be out of our old home by June 1st.  He needs money to move and after he will start sending me money.  I am not sure if he will or not. We will see.

Quoting Motherof3inNJ:

Do you have a court order? If not, I would get one for visitation and child support.


Motherof3inNJ
by Gold Member on May. 26, 2013 at 12:34 PM
1 mom liked this

You wouldn't get in trouble because there wasn't a court order stopping you from moving. Do not let him be alone with the child because then he could file for emergency custody and the child will be with him. If you need the money and even if you don't, file for child support, it is your child's right to have both parents support him. Some men don't want to pay, my ex never thought he'd have to pay because his plan was to fuck me on the side while he was married. 

I'd tell him, I don't have the money to travel to him for Father's Day and he's welcome to go where you are and stay in a motel. Don't be alone with him.


Quoting jj4ij:

No, I will not be a resident here until I have lived here for 6 months.  I cannot file here yet and I pray that he doesn't go file where we did live.  If so I am scared I may get into trouble for taking our son.  He knew we were going, but he could easily say I just up and left.  I did not file for child support because he asked me not to and I am scared of starting trouble with him.  He says that once he moves, he has to be out of our old home by June 1st.  He needs money to move and after he will start sending me money.  I am not sure if he will or not. We will see.

Quoting Motherof3inNJ:

Do you have a court order? If not, I would get one for visitation and child support.




jj4ij
by Silver Member on May. 26, 2013 at 8:37 PM

BUMP!

jj4ij
by Silver Member on May. 29, 2013 at 8:51 AM

BUMP!

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