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boyfriend having a hard time adjusting... idk what to do.

Posted by on May. 29, 2013 at 2:17 AM
  • 13 Replies
Ive been with my boyfriend a few months now. He started coming aroind my son a month ago when we agreeded that we were more serious. My boyfriend is older than me by 11 years and always told himself he didn't want kids. Now that hes with me he is reconsidering.
He has never really been around kids.so he doesn't know how to act around my 3 year old son. He is super stressed out about it and I understand but I also just want to figure out if it is something he will get used to eventually because I don't want to waste my time if he can't. He feels so uncomfprtable sometimes and other times he does so well. Idk if anyone has any suggestions? We got into an argument tonight about it. I'm not sure what to do.
by on May. 29, 2013 at 2:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KristenFowles
by Ruby Member on May. 29, 2013 at 2:18 AM

 If you're not a children person, getting comfortable around them can take a while..

It sounds like he's willing to try, give it time. 

 

Two_Hearts
by on May. 29, 2013 at 2:22 AM

He sounds like he is willing to give it a try ...but it has to be at his pace. 

It's only been a month , and thats not a very long time..especially when he hasn't been in this situation before. 

You can't push things like this.

However...if its been 6 months (of him knowing your son) and he has spent a good quality of time with him and is still acting this way ...THAN i would be re-evaluating the relationship.

Jademarae24
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 2:28 AM
I just thought everything was going good. But tonight...idk what happened....my sister was babysitting while me and him went to the bar across the street for my birthday anr she called me saying he woke up and wanted me. So we walked home. I layed with him on the couch and ny boyfriend layed on the other couch. He then told my son to stop picking his nose (not meanly but only cause my son has made himself bleed from it) and my son started crying. My boyfriend stormed off upstaits and slammed the door not hard but hard enough for my sister to give me a look. I thought it was super childish and ridiculous and followed him to talk to him. He was upset cause my son acts like he pikes him and doesn't want him to leave during the day but acted like that just now. And I tried explaining that he is just tired and was just woken up and not to take it seriously....idk. its a lot for me to deal with.....
whyamiabadmom
by on May. 29, 2013 at 2:29 AM

Talk to him and find out exactly what is making him feel so uncomfortable.  Maybe he isn't sure how he should act around your ds.  Maybe he doesn't know what his boundaries are and is afraid of overstepping them?  Maybe he is afraid of what your expectations are because you haven't really talked about them?  Maybe he is scared shitless of kids.  Maybe he is trying to figure out if you are looking to replace ds's dad (hey it happens) and he's not sure he is ready for that responsibility.  There are many possibilities to why he isn't warming up so ask him and then give him time to think about it.  Be patient and listen with an open mind when he tells you his reasons so you two can figure out how to navigate your relationship. 

Jademarae24
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 2:32 AM
We have talked about it so many times because its very important to me. Right now I juat want him to be my sons friend. To bond with him and play with him. Nothing serious. But he knows how bad my sons father is so he has said that he does want to show him what a father figure is really like but at the same time acts like he is freaked out about that.
I'm honestly just afraid that he wont ever be comfortablw... and I will have to leave him because of that. If he can't get used to my son then there is no future for me and him.


Quoting whyamiabadmom:

Talk to him and find out exactly what is making him feel so uncomfortable.  Maybe he isn't sure how he should act around your ds.  Maybe he doesn't know what his boundaries are and is afraid of overstepping them?  Maybe he is afraid of what your expectations are because you haven't really talked about them?  Maybe he is scared shitless of kids.  Maybe he is trying to figure out if you are looking to replace ds's dad (hey it happens) and he's not sure he is ready for that responsibility.  There are many possibilities to why he isn't warming up so ask him and then give him time to think about it.  Be patient and listen with an open mind when he tells you his reasons so you two can figure out how to navigate your relationship. 


Two_Hearts
by on May. 29, 2013 at 2:39 AM

Im going to be honest here ..

my first thought in reading this was why did you head right home the minute your son woke up? You were out ..having 'couple' time, your son woke up..and since you left your sister with him...and you didn't say that there was a certain issue with your son im guessing that your sister was capable of dealing with getting him back to bed.

Why were you on the couch with him? Why not come in...put him back into bed..and then continue the couple time with your boyfriend?

I am guessing that he is finding this hard (the boyfriend)...i am going to guess that he has never been in a relationship with a child or at least not as young as your son is..

He most likely doesn't understand why your son started crying like he did...and honestly, im not too sure why your son did either. 

Again , common sense is telling me because he was tired..but if that was the case he should have been in bed.

Just an observation....

Quoting Jademarae24:

I just thought everything was going good. But tonight...idk what happened....my sister was babysitting while me and him went to the bar across the street for my birthday anr she called me saying he woke up and wanted me. So we walked home. I layed with him on the couch and ny boyfriend layed on the other couch. He then told my son to stop picking his nose (not meanly but only cause my son has made himself bleed from it) and my son started crying. My boyfriend stormed off upstaits and slammed the door not hard but hard enough for my sister to give me a look. I thought it was super childish and ridiculous and followed him to talk to him. He was upset cause my son acts like he pikes him and doesn't want him to leave during the day but acted like that just now. And I tried explaining that he is just tired and was just woken up and not to take it seriously....idk. its a lot for me to deal with.....


whyamiabadmom
by on May. 29, 2013 at 2:43 AM

When I met dh I had no kids, and had never been with anybody who had kids so it took me a while to warm up to my sd.  I realized she and dh were a package deal but some of their rituals really annoyed me at first because I felt like a total outsider.  I had to accept and realize that I was an outsider.  What it boiled down to in our case was I was afraid of and intimidated by her.  In time, with alot of patience we found a way to make it work for all of us.   I also had a hard time figuring out how to be her sm without overstepping when it came to disciplining her.  At first I was so terrified that I let her get away with murder...but I would also let it fester.  It's been 4 years now but me and sd have a solid relationship and I can tell her to cut the crap and not bat an eyelash either.  It could be the same for your bf too.  I say that because his reaction is similar to how I used to act.  I could be wrong though after all I am not a psychic :)

hargonagain
by Silver Member on May. 29, 2013 at 2:50 AM

I adopted my son as a single Mom when he was a newborn, he was 2 days old.  I was dating a guy at the time I adopted, but he didn't adopt with me, he was just my boyfriend. When the baby was about 6 months old we ended our relationship amicably, it was just time.  Several months later I began dating a guy who had 2 kids of his own and he was a 100% single dad.  Well, instead of understanding that my 13 month was going to take time to adjust to him, he was very critical of my parenting, he would get so angry if the baby cried etc.  One day on a trip to visit, my son was not feeling it and from the minute we walked in the door he started crying and have a fit.  Well, my bf at the time threatened to backhand my baby across the face if he didn't stop crying. It took me 15 minutes to pack up our stuff and get the baby in the car.  I broke it off with him and didn't look back. About 7 or 8 months later I was casually dating a guy I went to school with.  He didn't have kids of his own, but he was very involved with his many nieces and nephews.  At first everything was gyreat, but after about 8 months he started always making excuses for why he wanted me to get a baby sitter instead of bringing my son places.  One time he invited me to a party at his house and said to get a sitter because there wouldn't be any kids.  Yeah, every one of his nieces and nephews were at the party, in fact, it was a kid's birthday party (I didn't know that when I agreed to go).  We had a long talk and I explained to him that my son and I are a package deal, if you don't want him in the package, you don't get me.  So things were fine for a few months, but then he started saying that he wished he would have known me before I adopted the baby and saying that he wanted to be able to discipline the baby how he saw fit.  I absolutely refused to allow that and told him that there was no way I would allow him to discipline my son.  I finally broke it off with him because I just can't and won't allow someone to hurt him and I didn't trust my bf not to hurt him.  In my opinion, if a guy doesn't want my kid around, then he doens't want me around.

Jademarae24
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 3:09 AM
I was actually already on my way home when sshe called so I didn't go out of my way to leave. And he was on the couch because I coslept with him his whole life and have been trying to get him to not sleep in my bed the past 2 weeks. He has been making progress with sleeping in his own bed but since his aunt was staying over he wanted to be by them so I allowed him to sleep on the couch. As bad as it sounds, anything to get him to stay out of my bed.


Quoting Two_Hearts:

Im going to be honest here ..

my first thought in reading this was why did you head right home the minute your son woke up? You were out ..having 'couple' time, your son woke up..and since you left your sister with him...and you didn't say that there was a certain issue with your son im guessing that your sister was capable of dealing with getting him back to bed.

Why were you on the couch with him? Why not come in...put him back into bed..and then continue the couple time with your boyfriend?

I am guessing that he is finding this hard (the boyfriend)...i am going to guess that he has never been in a relationship with a child or at least not as young as your son is..

He most likely doesn't understand why your son started crying like he did...and honestly, im not too sure why your son did either. 

Again , common sense is telling me because he was tired..but if that was the case he should have been in bed.

Just an observation....

Quoting Jademarae24:

I just thought everything was going good. But tonight...idk what happened....my sister was babysitting while me and him went to the bar across the street for my birthday anr she called me saying he woke up and wanted me. So we walked home. I layed with him on the couch and ny boyfriend layed on the other couch. He then told my son to stop picking his nose (not meanly but only cause my son has made himself bleed from it) and my son started crying. My boyfriend stormed off upstaits and slammed the door not hard but hard enough for my sister to give me a look. I thought it was super childish and ridiculous and followed him to talk to him. He was upset cause my son acts like he pikes him and doesn't want him to leave during the day but acted like that just now. And I tried explaining that he is just tired and was just woken up and not to take it seriously....idk. its a lot for me to deal with.....



MommyAddie
by Platinum Member on May. 29, 2013 at 3:10 AM
1 mom liked this
I was away at school when I met df, and my kids were back home. When we first got together, he knew I had kids, but didn't really see me as a "mommy" because I was away from them for the time being and living as a child-free person. After school, he moved back to my homestate to be with me and the kids and it took a while for him to adjust to the kids and my role as a mother. The way I handled it was to stay out of it- let them develop their own relationship. Whatever came naturally, not pushing one side onto the other. They all ended up being best friends.
Good luck.
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