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He's a real piece of work.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 9 Replies

My grandfather is, anyway.  He physically and emotionally abused my mother, aunt, and uncle while they were growing up.  A prime example of this would be how he would make my mother (who was far from overweight, but not exactly skinny, either) stand on a scale and say "I'm a little piggy" over and over until he got bored, then he would hit her with a belt for a little while until he got bored and went to the bar (I learned this from my aunt and uncle).  His abuse bled over into his relationship with my grandmother, and escalated to the point that it drove her to suicide.  He would continually make promises to my sister and me while we were growing up that he would come to visit us, yet he would blow us off for his girlfriend's granddaughter.  As adults, no one in the family wants to accept his "generosity" when it comes to him buying things or doing things for us, because we know that it always comes at a price (he will always cash in on the "favor").

My fiance and I have a 10 month old son together.  My grandfather has seen him once, and has not made any attempt to see him more than that.  However, he continually pesters my mother to ask me why I don't e-mail him pictures or videos of my son.  I have tried, on a few different occassions, to send him pictures and videos, not to mention I added details as to what milestones my son has reached.  I haven't heard back from him, so I stopped sending the e-mails.

My fiance and I finally set the date for our wedding, and out of the blue my mother calls me to let me know that my grandfather wants to buy my wedding dress for me.  I want to refuse, because I feel like if I take the money, I will be obligated to invite him to my wedding.  As horrible as it sounds, I don't want him there.  Not only has he treated us like we don't matter, but I don't feel like it would be fair to my aunt and uncle (who have ceased contact with my grandfather all together) if I invited him, when they have been there for me my entire life, especially since I had my son.  I guess I just feel guilty about not wanting my own grandfather at my wedding.  Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation?

Posted by Anonymous on May. 29, 2013 at 11:38 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 29, 2013 at 11:40 PM

BUMP!

smurfbitebug
by on May. 29, 2013 at 11:41 PM
3 moms liked this
My question would be, WHY do you feel guilt?

Because he is your grandfather and other people have good relationships with their grandfathers and would never dream of not inviting their grandparents?
You are not them, he certainly is not like their grandparents, and there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Keep that man away from your family.
skittlebeans88
by Platinum Member on May. 29, 2013 at 11:44 PM
Bump
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 29, 2013 at 11:44 PM

I guess I always thought that family is family, and while you can't do anything about it, you should still try to treat them well.  I don't know.  I know it's a complicated situation, and I know he isn't a good man.  Maybe I don't feel guilt, per se, but I'm worried that he'll bring up past things he has done for me and shove it in my face, berating me for being a jerk after "all he's done" for me.  ugh.

Quoting smurfbitebug:


My question would be, WHY do you feel guilt?

Because he is your grandfather and other people have good relationships with their grandfathers and would never dream of not inviting their grandparents?
You are not them, he certainly is not like their grandparents, and there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Keep that man away from your family.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 29, 2013 at 11:49 PM

bump

smurfbitebug
by on May. 29, 2013 at 11:51 PM
You do realize that family IS family, but if a family member hurts other family members, is toxic to them, and is abusive and dangerous you, as an adult and a parent, have an obligation to your child(ren) to protect them from him, right?
This whole "family should stick together no matter what" crap is tailor made for abusive situations. It's a bad mindset. A dangerous one.

It isn't complicated. You cut him out of your life and ignore his attempts to blame you. It isn't YOUR fault he is abusive. And anything he tries to throw into your face is moot.
If an abuser gives you a million dollars you are still obligated to protect your child(ren) from him. Plain and simple.


Quoting Anonymous:

I guess I always thought that family is family, and while you can't do anything about it, you should still try to treat them well.  I don't know.  I know it's a complicated situation, and I know he isn't a good man.  Maybe I don't feel guilt, per se, but I'm worried that he'll bring up past things he has done for me and shove it in my face, berating me for being a jerk after "all he's done" for me.  ugh.

Quoting smurfbitebug:


My question would be, WHY do you feel guilt?



Because he is your grandfather and other people have good relationships with their grandfathers and would never dream of not inviting their grandparents?

You are not them, he certainly is not like their grandparents, and there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Keep that man away from your family.


opal10161973
by on May. 29, 2013 at 11:51 PM

Honestly, who cares? IDK why you are even still willing to talk to this man.  He sounds fuking awful. 

Question:  If he wasn't biologically related to you, would you allow him around you or your child?  DNA doesn't make family, it only links it by similar nucleotides. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I guess I always thought that family is family, and while you can't do anything about it, you should still try to treat them well.  I don't know.  I know it's a complicated situation, and I know he isn't a good man.  Maybe I don't feel guilt, per se, but I'm worried that he'll bring up past things he has done for me and shove it in my face, berating me for being a jerk after "all he's done" for me.  ugh.

Quoting smurfbitebug:


My question would be, WHY do you feel guilt?

Because he is your grandfather and other people have good relationships with their grandfathers and would never dream of not inviting their grandparents?
You are not them, he certainly is not like their grandparents, and there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Keep that man away from your family.



Perle1
by Gold Member on May. 29, 2013 at 11:53 PM

I'm 40 years old and just last year I had a very frank talk with my dad about how I felt about him, his abusive treatment of my mom, and why I did not feel close to him. He was horrible all those years ago. Since Ive been an adult , he made much more of an effort to be a better person, stopped drinking, and was more involved. But I've meer been able to really forgive him. It was very cathartic to tell him (although it did make him cry).  My point in this ramble, is maybe you should sit down with your grandfather and tell him how you feel. It seems you feel a familial connection, but have these issues from the past hanging over you. Just calmly reading your post would work. It's going to be hard to have a family wedding and not include him. You're going to have to make some kind of explanation. It may as well be the frank truth.

MommaGirl1207
by Bronze Member on May. 30, 2013 at 12:08 AM

My older brother & I have faced a similar situation with our father. He was physically/mentally/emotionally abusive to both of us. Our mom didn't know about a lot of the abuse (the only thing she knew was that he yelled at us and would spank us for misbehaving) because she worked outside the home, he was the SAHP, and we didn't tell. We were adults when our mom died (cancer), and our father started to try and "control" us the same way. He would offer to do financial favors for us (i.e. pay off our school loans, loan us money, "help" pay for a car, etc), but it was just his way of trying to maintain control over us. We would turn down his offers of "help" and about 6 years ago we completely cut him out of our lives. He is no longer allowed around us or our SOs and when/if we ever get married, he is not invited and we will not be accepting any help from him.

While you may feel guilty for not wanting your grandfather at your wedding (we felt guilty when we first cut our down out of our lives), it is better not to accept your grandfather's offer. He is just going to use that as a way to get invited to your wedding or even control your entire wedding.  It sucks that there are people in the world like your grandfather or my dad, but it is our reality and for you and your family's well-being it is better not to have someone that toxic in your life, especially for the sake of your young son.

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