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i think i'm done fighting. (vent, kind of long)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies

my husband and i have been together for 4 years, married for a little over 1 year and i think i've finally reached my breaking point. i think we got married for the wrong reasons a.) for my grandma who was dying and wanted to see her great granddaughter have married parents and b.) because we felt like we should since we had been engaged for 2 1/2 years and had a baby. we fight, a lot. sometimes about stupid stuff but other times about things that matter. we only have 1 car so he told me to worry about graduating from college and taking care of dd while he worked but he constantly throws it in my face that i don't work and that the money we have is "his" money because he earned it. he told me today "i make the final decisions, especially when it comes to money." all i wanted to do was treat my best friend to lunch for watching dd for a while and he hated that idea. his temper is ridiculous and escalates quickly but he has never laid a hand on me or dd, he has just been emotionally abusive to me. today we fought about money and how i think since we're married all decisions should be split fairly and how he thinks i can have a opinion but in the end if he doesn't like it then my opinion is vetoed. i don't remember him being like this before we got married. sure we fought but never like this. he threatens me with divorce all the time and i usually retreat and apologize just so he won't leave but today was different. he said "if you don't like it then divorce me, i don't care because i've gotten to the point where i'm really beginning to NOT love you anymore." when i didn't respond he said "i'm sorry but it's how i feel." and instead of my normal reaction of sobbing harder and apologizing the tears immediately stopped, i took a deep breath and said "no it's fine...actually it's more than fine." it was like my heart finally told my brain "i'm done, were done, it's time to move on." the problem is i always told myself the only reasons to ever get divorced is due to cheating, physical abuse or illegal substance abuse so i am still somewhat fighting myself. i'm just sick of fighting, i'm sick of feeling like i'm just a bystander in my own marriage and i don't want dd to grow up watching her parents fight (even though i try not to do it in front of her, it does happen). she's young, not even 2 years old so it would probably be best to do it now before she gets older and really understands what is happening but i'm scared, he's all i've known for 4 years and i love him, my world has revolved around him for 4 years and i forget what it's like to be alone (relationship wise). i just don't think i have any fight left in me for our marriage. i just don't think i can live like this anymore.

Posted by Anonymous on May. 31, 2013 at 11:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
nyxiemist
by on May. 31, 2013 at 11:27 AM

I'm sorry. Sometimes you have to walk away. The only way you can make a marriage work is if both people make an effort. If he's not willing to try, it's never going to work. 

hugs

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 31, 2013 at 11:34 AM
You deserve happiness. If its not with him then you should cut your losses. Sorry you're going through this. {{{Hug}}}
April620
by Ruby Member on May. 31, 2013 at 11:40 AM
Put some distance between yourselves for now. It is good you stopped crying, it is great you were able to be all "ok, whatever" about it because it seems like he was trying to hurt you and you didn't let him. Stop giving a damn about what he says or does for now, just do you and stop being so codependent on him. He probably feels better about himself when he thinks he has control over you so stop letting him have it. Just act like you have better things to do, play hard to get. He'll likely change his ways when he realizes you don't give a fuck anymore and aren't going to play his games
diiamondmomma
by on May. 31, 2013 at 11:45 AM

sometimes people arent meant to be, but I also want to advise you that tghe first 5 years of marriage are hard as hell. After 5 years it ussually may get a little bit easier. For me as time went on things got easier. Also seeing a therapist either together or apart wont hurt. My husband and I did and it was amazing. We were able to see that we were fighting because the way we were communicating was incorrect.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 31, 2013 at 11:47 AM

 i would love to do therapy together but he doesn't believe in it. i may look into it for myself though, thanks for the idea!

Quoting diiamondmomma:

sometimes people arent meant to be, but I also want to advise you that tghe first 5 years of marriage are hard as hell. After 5 years it ussually may get a little bit easier. For me as time went on things got easier. Also seeing a therapist either together or apart wont hurt. My husband and I did and it was amazing. We were able to see that we were fighting because the way we were communicating was incorrect.

 

diiamondmomma
by on May. 31, 2013 at 11:54 AM


If he doesnt want to even try, he doesnt want his marriage. Not for nothing if you want your marriage to work and your arent getting along, you will exhaust every avenue until something works. If nothing works that you cant say you didnt try hard enough to make it work

Quoting Anonymous:

 i would love to do therapy together but he doesn't believe in it. i may look into it for myself though, thanks for the idea!

Quoting diiamondmomma:

sometimes people arent meant to be, but I also want to advise you that tghe first 5 years of marriage are hard as hell. After 5 years it ussually may get a little bit easier. For me as time went on things got easier. Also seeing a therapist either together or apart wont hurt. My husband and I did and it was amazing. We were able to see that we were fighting because the way we were communicating was incorrect.




mfk3
by on May. 31, 2013 at 12:00 PM

mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. i would say get out of that relationship. its not worth it if you guys got married for the wrong reasons. there has to be an affort to try on both sides. if there isnt then maybe the time has come to walk away...

GL!

whyamiabadmom
by on May. 31, 2013 at 12:06 PM

My dh and I argued ALOT during our first 2 years of marriage.  I also felt like we got married for the wrong reasons and I filed for divorce twice because he always said the same stupid thing to me.  "If you don't like it there's the door!"  When it came right down to it neither of us could go through with the divorce so we finally decided to establish rules for fighting and stick to them.  We don't always agree but things are 100 times better than they were. 

I know where you are right now.  The first few years of marriage are HARD!!! Especially when children are involved.  For those that have it easy you are lucky.  I won't tell you to leave or to stay bc it is not my place to make a snap judgement about your life.  I can tell you that if you want to talk about it I will listen.  I will also tell you that it might take a drastic move to snap both of you out of the cycle you are in but that things can and will get better if you really make an effort.  It only takes one of you to get the ball rolling.  Take some time to take stock of the situation and make the best decision for your family.      

P.S have you ever read the Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick?  It's a life changer for sure :)

AA0214
by on May. 31, 2013 at 12:06 PM

I just broke up with my SO of 12 years (we have a daughter that is 5). It is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is hard to not cry and see the end of the tunnel. I just have to reassure myself it is the best thing for all three of us. If you do leave him you have to remember you are doing it for the right reasons and dont get sucked back into 'trying' if you know in your heart it will not ever work. We did the trying thing a couple times and I knew it wouldnt work out. HUGS to you.....it is a VERY hard process but be strong for your little girl!

Val99
by on May. 31, 2013 at 12:10 PM

How long until you graduate?

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