HELP!!!!! Immature parents? What should I do? (LONG) **UPDATE**
So, over the past 13 years, my parents and I have anything but a healthly coexistence. Im 24 now, with 2 girls of my own, but it seems to me, that the more I grow, the more they regress. Its always a "he said she said" game. Most recently, my mother came to visit the samll town (her hometown) that I now liven with my little family. Originally she said she was coming to visit us, and that my father (he and I have spent more time not talking over the last 10 years, than talking) would not be joining her because he was going to take adavantage of the last ski weekend at his favorite resort.
I didnt think much of it, as he usually prefers times with friends over family. So she came, we had an awesome weekend. It gave me the feeling that maybe, just maybe we were starting to turn the corner and have an ok relatioship after all. I even called my dad to say I wished he was there with us. Then, her last evening here, we were all up at my uncles house having a little get-together with family. That usually entails LOTS of alcohol and kitchen dancing. My fiancee was at work that evening, and I had my little girls with me, so of course, i passed on the booze ( I HATE drinking anyhow). My mom has been pretty bad in the past about drinking and driving so I offered to come get her later when she was ready to go and she gladly accepted. So I left the party at about 9pm, went and got my man, got the girls into bed and put on a movie while we awaited her call for pickup. 1 am, 2am, and 3 am pass. I was calling her frantically and everyone she was with and they all said she had left already with one of my aunts.
So i get in the car, driving all over to find her and make sure she is safe. I find her a bit later at my grandma's asleep in her room. I head home and go back to bed, by now its about 4am. I'm awoken 3 hours later by a phone call from her. I answer it and before I can even get "Hello" out of my mouth, she tells me to meet her immediately to take a drive before she heads home. I was so confused, but went to meet her. As soon as we get in her car, she explodes, saying she had made this trip solely to investigate me. Apparently, my father felt like he was treated differently by my moms side fo the family last time he had come, and he felt that I must be behind it. SO instead of coming down himself and confronting the people he felt mistreated him, he sent my mom to corner all of them and ask if i was talking shit. All of them were as confused as I was, but she didnt let me know that. According to her, every single one of my family members "confirmed" I was spreading rumors about my dad. She then told me she wanted nothing to do with me and next time she visited "HER FAMILY", I had better find somewhere else to be. Then she left without saying goodbye to my daughters, who she had promised she would take to breakfast (they were waiting to be picked up when i got home).
So, I called my family, asking what the hell happened. They all said she had a drunken meltdown and everyone was worried but they had all assured her, he A)hadnt been treated any differently, and B)i was not sayign anything about him at all, letting alone anythign negative. So I let a few days pass and let her know what they had told me. That she mustve misunderstood. She said everyone had called her themselves to reassure her. Instead of apologizing for assumig the worst of me immediately, SHE DEMANDED a letter of apology~!!! um, what?
I wrote her a letter, (one of at least 6 they have asked for to "save our relationship"). But instead of apologizing for something I didnt do, I simply asked that we all just drop all assumptions, past differences, forgive, and forget, move forward. She called me after receiving it saying that she had some questions about it and needed to discuss it with my father before she decided where our relationship goes from here. I'm totally, belwildered, confused, annoyed, and quite frankly over it! My daughter is involved in a little festival here this weekend and my parents will be coming. I really dont know what to feel, do or otherwise. What would you do in this sticky situation?
EDIT - They will be here in three hours, will add more tonight after we have been around one another.
UPDATE!!!! After their visit, I was given the impression that things could maybe get better. Until today. I finally received my parents' response to the letter I had sent them. This is what it said
After much consideration and thought I have this to say to your proposal that we all move forward. Yes we can. Yes we should. However to do so there are some things I must get off my chest. In the letter, you left me with the impression that there are things that I have done that you are ready to forgive me for. To me, there is nothing I should be forgiven for. Anything done to you was done as a parent trying to teach you and mold you. Throughout your life you have portrayed me to friends and family as something I am not. I was never anything but a father who loves you in his own way. I will always have to live with the doubt that you’ve put in peoples mind about who I am and the kind of father I was. I see it in their eyes. Worse than that for me, is the belief that there is nothing you can do to completely change that.
My way of loving you has never been your idea of the right way. Same for your mother. I am not you. I am not her. I never will be. I like who I am because my intentions are good. Given that, if I am the kind of person you can live with as a father and grandfather for your children, let’s all move forward. But I will not be hurt again by you using me as an excuse for anything. I am not a tyrant, or an abuser of ANY sort. I am firm. My life has led me to believe certain things and they are real. Speaking strictly about my contribution to your life, I am proud of every moment – even the mistakes I made because I was always there to make them and they were always made with your welfare in mind. I made them because I loved you. Many of your friends cannot say that about their fathers. I walked away from a career that I can’t return to. I have sacrificed many of life’s rewards because of that. I would do it again. I did it so you could have a better life.
So if we are to move forward I can only let your actions speak. Show me that you accept responsibility for what life brings to you – quit pointing fingers at me and others as the cause of your pain and problems. If you want to have a better relationship with me you will have to be at least what my friends are to me –respectful and appreciative of my contribution to them, understanding that I am not and never will be perfect, but in the long run I am someone that makes their life better. The slate will never be cleaned but it can be filled with good things that can someday outweigh the bad.
I have always told you that, for me, love is conditional, that unconditional love is impossible. These are my conditions – take them or leave them, it’s your choice to make. Your life to live. I’d like to be in your life, on my very reasonable terms.
YOU LADIES WERE RIGHT!