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I'm writing a book. Give me your opinions. LONG

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 10 Replies

Please refrain from being a bitch, I havent written anything in years but got a sudden burst of inspiration. I have had writers block for YEARS. I used to write all the time. so please be kind. thanks.


also any grammatical errors of any kind just ignore, because I am going to go over it after but I am just consentrating on writing the content right now.




It was dark. The sky looked like a vast wasteland of grey, it had been raining but it was no longer. Now, just the smell of the cold damp cement lingered in the air, dancing up the nostrils of all who were out at this hour, if it were anyone at all. Perhaps its just me here, all alone.

Or am I alone?

Its cold here. My mind has gotten the best of me, I followed shadows out my door to get here and now I am lost. I could promise I am not usually this neurotic, but that would be a lie. 

It must all be in my head - my thoughts are vivid and race at a pace that no one could follow, especially not myself... It must be in my head, or so I thought..


Wild images of shadowed men dancing in the street, I haven't slept for quite sometime. What is that sound?

Could the silence be deceiving me?

How long have I been here, and where, exactly, is here?


And that's when I saw it - a light in the distance that seemed to help me ground myself.  Glowing omnisciently - almost as if it were mocking me.


The blood on my hands was bright red and tasted sweet - almost the same shade as the lipstick I was wearing. In fact, I bet it was close. Wouldn't it be funny if I just wore blood as lipstick? Though once it dries it is not as vibrant of a color. Wouldn't it be funny? Don't you think?


.. is this a dream?


I hear sirens approaching, echoing in the hollow night. That's when it hits me that this isn't a dream. I pick myself up and stand on my feet. Dripping wet in someone elses blood - and a knife in my hand. I'm sure things could have ended right here, I could have just turned myself in, but I am not at fault. This was no dream and I was not ready to lie down and accept defeat. I was in the right, it was he, he who is now lying lifeless on the floor who was in the wrong. He paid, he paid for his wrong deeds with his life. But who would ever believe me?


Surely not them, I am not sure if I even believe myself. That's when the familiar voice in my head told me, "Go. Run. Run as fast as you can and don't turn back."

And I did.

I ran fast and I ran far and I never looked back, not even for a second... not even just a glance at what I had done.

My pulse was speeding and my breath was shaking. My dress was tattered and torn.  I kept running, until I could no longer smell the wet cement and I could no longer recognize the sound of my sanity. It was gone.  I was gone.


Where did I go?


Every piece of me broke that night, and nothing will ever be ok again, but if you were to ask me, "Serenity, do you regret your actions?" I would tell you no, and I would gladly repeat them any day of the week.

Maybe I would have felt bad if it were someone else, someone who mattered in this world, but he did not. He was just a filthy scumbag who wanted to get off - and he chose the wrong prey. I refuse to feel bad over someone like him. I refuse to allow filth like him to walk this earth. I refuse to be pushed over, I refuse to lie down. I refuse to accept it. I refuse to turn myself in.


It is so dark - and here I am, lying in the dirt in the middle of nowhere, waiting for a sign.


Surely, God would not just leave me here. Surely, I had done something right in my life? And what makes it so wrong for me to kill that bastard? I'm sure I was not his only victim. I had no problem being his last. Its actually kind of heroic, in a way.  I have spared his future victims the pain he had caused me. I doubt that the police would see it that way.


What do I do now? Where do I go?


And now, I have no idea where I am, and I am certain this is not a dream.


I can feel intense amounts of energy in this moment. Lying here, in the dirt. surrounded by nothing but desert. I can feel my blood rushing through my veins, I can feel my heart fluttering, I can feel my stomach twisting in knots and turning in ways I have never felt before. What is it that I feel exactly? In this moment? Unsure if I am going to make it to another day? Unsure where to go or what to do after this? I am stuck. I have no way out - soon everyone will be looking for me and there is No. fucking. Way. Out.


I'm trapped.

I am trapped in this moment of extreme and passionate anxiety. I am trapped in this moment of fear. I am trapped in this moment of anger, anguish, and solitude.

I am trapped in this unforgiving moment, and I have no idea when it will end. Will it end? How will it end?


Am I even going to make it out of this moment alive? 


Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:05 AM

i know its long i wont post the rest unless someone for some reason wants to read more

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:07 AM

bump

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:09 AM

Your tense changes - at least in the first quarter of it maybe. First it's past tense, then it's present, then it's past again. Kind of hard to follow.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:10 AM

b

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:10 AM

oh god i know i'm going to go back through it and change it. I dont really know how that happened lol


Quoting Anonymous:

Your tense changes - at least in the first quarter of it maybe. First it's past tense, then it's present, then it's past again. Kind of hard to follow.



ChicatSixty
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:28 AM

Bump ola to YOU! This is great! What a dynamc hookk

I'm currently writing a non-fiction book about working n a Level 4 prison but I have written several children's books and a couple of out of print grown up books. It is so personally satisfying. I'm not sure anyone who doesn't write even gets what a good feeling it is! ...sort of like the endorphin high you get from running. Good for you!

Do you belong to a local writing group? That helped me immensely.  I tend to live insde of my head and it was helpful to at least listen to others.  The only advice I have is PBC..put butt in chair. This boo won;t write itself and for me I have to loo at writting as a job. From x am- to x am I have to write. I don't care if it is good or not because that is what rewriting is for. I just have to get it on the page.

I have several frends who are publshed; you mght want to chec out ther logs: yarnagogo and davalynspencer. I've known then them for years and years and years and they are just now gettng publshed.

Oh I am so so happy for you!

opal10161973
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:45 AM

I would change passionate to impassioned, but I like it.  I have also had writer's block for years and I used to write poems, lyrics, and short stories.  I was very prolific and then, it just went away.  One day recently, it came back, not all the way, but perhaps, my passion for it.  I just wrote a post to my MIL.  It's a different style than yours, but not bad for free writing, I think.  I aimed it at MC readers, so I had to get them to come in and read it.  I am not truly angry about it.

http://www.cafemom.com/group/115189/forums/read/18628034/MIL_rant

BluePandaDreams
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:55 AM
Join Writer's Cafe or Wattpad, if you are serious about writing and want a critique from a writer's pov. I'm on both sites. Haven't posted anything yet, but it's a good idea to be involved in a community of fellow writers.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 9, 2013 at 2:57 AM


thanks! I didnt even think of looking for a local writing group - i will find some!

Quoting ChicatSixty:

Bump ola to YOU! This is great! What a dynamc hookk

I'm currently writing a non-fiction book about working n a Level 4 prison but I have written several children's books and a couple of out of print grown up books. It is so personally satisfying. I'm not sure anyone who doesn't write even gets what a good feeling it is! ...sort of like the endorphin high you get from running. Good for you!

Do you belong to a local writing group? That helped me immensely.  I tend to live insde of my head and it was helpful to at least listen to others.  The only advice I have is PBC..put butt in chair. This boo won;t write itself and for me I have to loo at writting as a job. From x am- to x am I have to write. I don't care if it is good or not because that is what rewriting is for. I just have to get it on the page.

I have several frends who are publshed; you mght want to chec out ther logs: yarnagogo and davalynspencer. I've known then them for years and years and years and they are just now gettng publshed.

Oh I am so so happy for you!



bluediamondmom
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 3:03 AM
I thought it was great! Would love to read more! Good job momma!
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