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He lied to me....I think I'm divorcing him! *Possible Trigger*

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I love my husband with all of my heart. He's been very good to me the last six years.

My husband and I met about six years ago. We ran into each other at a liquor store. He worked there. I thought he was attracted. But, he was very shy. He wouldn't really talk to me. Eventually, he opened up and asked me out. I accepted the invitation and we've been together ever since. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. But, I just may have to let go of those feelings.

My DH as always been anti-social in an introverted way. He doesn't have too many friends, and he was always the "loner." I never thought much of it because I'm the same way. About a year into our relationship, he opened up to me about his mother abusing him for six years and how it's affected his life. Once he explained that to me, I was able to understand why he was antisocial. We married soon after that and we have two kids and one on the way.

My DH has always been extra protective of our girls. He heard someone make a "crack" about our three year old and he ended up being arrested for assault. The guy said that if our DD was older, he'd have her. I was sickened and of course DH was angered and upset. The charges were dropped and we were able to move away from that neighborhood when I graduated school.

Anyhow, when my DH bared his souls to me last night, I was shocked. He told me that the reason he started therapy is because he thinks that he has pedophilic (is that a word?) tendencies and he needs help so he doesn't hurt anyone. I was angry and flabbergasted. He said that the reason he was so antisocial when we met is because he didn't want to hurt anyone. So he had removed himself from certain situations. I felt sick. He has never acted on it. But, he's afraid that he will/could so he's in therapy. Therapy is a good thing, right?

I never noticed any signs. He's very protective of us, and I never thought that he'd be capable of having those thoughts. He has never bathed our kids or changed a diaper. He has never felt comfortable but I thought that it was a guy thing and since he's been abused, I felt that that was why he didn't want to to it. Looking back, I guess it was because he didn't want to have that opportunity. So, it was his way of protecting everyone and not giving in to anything he was feeling.

I want to leave. I feel like he lied to me. He said that if he was honest with me from the beginning, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. He's right. As long as I'm in my right mind, I would never give a person like that the time of day, especially since I have kids. I told him that I was leaving. He said that he understood and expected me to say that. He said that he didn't want me to hate him. I don't although I do wish he was honest from the beginning.

Today, I went to therapy with him and his psychiatrist believes that he'll be fine as long as he gets healing for the root cause of his issues: the sexual abuse he endured. I told her (the psychiatrist) that until he makes the appropriate change, I couldn't risk my children being around him. She said that she agreed with me and he agreed too. He said that he didn't want to hurt our kids. The psychiatrist told me that some victims do have these feelings, and some act on them and continue the cycle. She said that the fact that he's taking the appropriate steps to discontinue the cycle before he acts on it is "admirable" and something to think about. I'm not sure. I understand where they're coming from. But I'm not sure how I feel. So, I will be leaving. I don't know if I should divorce him though. He's been in therapy for about five months now and I do think that he can recover.

Would you divorce your husband if he did this to you? The dishonesty and the fact that he feels that he's capable of hurting innocent children is enough for me to do so. I have to take care of my kids and the one growing inside of me. He wants me to leave for now. He expressed that when the time is right, he wants to work on our relationship because he threw a wrench in our life. He expressed that he wants supervised visits with the girls. That's their father, and they don't understand what's going on. So, it's something that I'd consider.

Can people like my husband recover? If so, id be willing to work on things when the time is right.

Idk what to do other than move out for now.

I do love!
Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 12, 2013 at 5:47 PM
Replies (41-50):
by Gold Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:28 PM

I wouldn't be able to get over the fact he is sexually attracted to kids.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:29 PM
I understand some things. I've been doing a lot of research since he told me. I'm willing to seek understanding.

Quoting LoveNaCupcake:


You need to understand that when you're abused as a child it often becomes wired in your brain that, that is love. He clearly knows it's wrong and has never acted on it, but he's admitting that its in his brain. He needs to seek counseling.

This is why our system angers me when it comes to abuse, they're all for putting the person in jail, paying for therapy for them to go to etc. but the victim receives nothing.

Quoting Anonymous:

Give him the chance to have you guys back. He is doing absolutely everything he should. Yes he lied but he is trying to make it right

by Platinum Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:30 PM
I'd perhaps continue to see his counselor with him, but also choose a non bias one for just myself to help me through this difficult decision.
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by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:30 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you.

Quoting BrittSam2011:

Keep on trekking. I'm sure you'll do what's right for your family. Good luck.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:30 PM
1 mom liked this
That's a good idea.

Quoting fatcat0908:

I'd perhaps continue to see his counselor with him, but also choose a non bias one for just myself to help me through this difficult decision.
by Anonymous 8 on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:31 PM
1 mom liked this
Maybe he's in the mindset that because it happened to him that he could end up doing it but never actually would. just afraid of being like his mother.
I think a lot of us that grew up with fucked up parents are afraid of ending up like them.
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:33 PM
So has he actually thought of children inappropriately? Or is he just afraid he will? What hes experiencing isn't uncommon for victims of sexual abuse. And tbh I think hes confused. Pedophillia isn't like what hes describing imo.
by Gold Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:33 PM
I am so sorry :( i know this is really tough, but he hasnt actually done cant be mad at him for being afraid of coming out to get help... That takes a lot of courage for someone with this issue. Be there for him and take things slow. Keep your guard up, dont leave him alone with the children, and stay involved with his therapy!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Anonymous 9 on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:33 PM
There is no way in hell I would even think about leaving my children alone with him. Let alone continue to be married to him.
I would divorce and have only supervised visitation.
by Anonymous 10 on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:35 PM



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