so i've had a kind of bad day and i've drafted this post. it's basically an open letter to my mother. it's a little bit angry and i'm tempted to post it on facebook. i've never had the nerve to blatantly confront her before and i just feel i need to do it as publicly as possible. all of my friends on facebook know my history of foster care and group homes, so it wouldn't really be letting anybody in on any secrets or anything, i just don't know if i should. here's the letter:
UPDATE: i have been in counseling several different times. they've all told me the same thing. that i need to talk to HER. but she refuses to do it.
and i can't confront her face to face since in on the east coast and she's on the west. and anytime i try to bring it up via phone or the internet, she changes the subject, ignores me completely, or says she has to go.
talking to a friend today about my childhood and teen years and junk and i realized that i'm angry.
i'm angry that i didn't really HAVE a childhood, i'm angry that somehow everything WRONG with my childhood was automatically my fault. i'm angry that nobody wanted to deal with my issues and normal teenage drama and let other people do it for them, i'm angry that the only trips i ever got to take were with people i barely knew. i'm angry that the people who showed me the most love were either friends i'd known for a short time, or family that couldn't take me in. i'm angry that the family that was supposed to love me unconditionally and be there for me, WASN'T and gave up after barely two years just when i needed them the most.
i wasn't raised, i was grown
i wasn't thought about, i was passed over
i wasn't nurtured, i was thrown away
and HOW can any mother in her right mind sit by and not even know what was going on in her child's life? it KILLS me not TALKING to my daughter, let alone not knowing about every aspect of her life. even the trivial day-to-day things. i WANT to know because she is my child and i LOVE her. it just blows my mind...
i understand that i was by no means a perfect child, but does that mean you can just toss me out the door? when something's wrong with your car, do you throw it away or try and fix it first? you'd think a child, YOUR child would be worth more than that.
i'm just angry... and yes, i do hope my mother sees this. because yes, SHE is the one i'm the most angry with. and because i can never tell her to her face because i just don't have it in me anymore. so i'll go the passive-agressive route. maybe something will come of me posting this, but it's doubtful. it's been 11+ years and nothing else has changed. so why should today be any different? so yep. i'm passively-aggressively ranting about my mother and "oh poor me" all over facebook for the world to see. not because i want sympathy, but because i'm angry. and i think the WORLD needs to know that treating your children this way is NOT right. and no matter how old they are, whether they are 6, 16, or 26, they can have (obviously) mommy or daddy issues. even if they seem fine or happy. yeah, they might be, but maybe never completely because they're fucked up. i'm ok with being fucked up i guess. i cope. i deal the best i can. but maybe things could have turned out differently if my life had started out differently. i may be wrong, but what would have been the harm in trying?
so i guess the point of this super long ranting post is this:
number one: yep. i'm calling my mother out. publicly. YOU are the reason i'm angry. i DO feel you owe me an apology. but i highly doubt i'll ever get one because you STILL don't see what you did wrong. you're obviously NOT a bad mother, because my little sister has had the best possible life imaginable. the life i would have KILLED to have (whether she sees it or not)
number two: don't treat your kids like they are a burden. i've been there. on BOTH sides of it. i WAS the burden, and i thought my daughter was too. NOTHING good comes from it. from the kid's point of view, it feels pretty crappy, and from the mother's point of view (sometimes) you come to your senses and realize (sometimes too late) that you did wrong. and it may be too late to fix it.