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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Depressed,down and a little suicidal

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 5 Replies

On the outside, I have a great life.

It's on the inside where I feel totally worthless.

My husand and I both have serious helth issues and I have surgery next week (an old scar has started to leed and I worry about MRSA). I boroke my arm and the titanium bolt has a crack in it. IT HURTS.

I have an AVM located under my hypotalmopus and there is not help, no surgery and no hope. The luckiest thing that could happen to be is to just up and drop dead.

The only thin that is keeping me alive is cleaning out my closets, drawers and attic. Once they are tidy enough so no one has to dig through my crap, I am ready to go.

My son is ill and will never recover. Ever My daughter is headsctrong and LESS than understanding about how frightened I am. My husband is only concerned about himself. When he was ill (2009-NOW), the doctors gave him and still do a chance of ZERO PERCENT of LIVING. I took care of everything. The business. The bills. His colosomy bag. His 18 surgeries. I kep his home instead of send him to a rehab traing place because i knew he would do better with me than with strangers. This has left me with zero back up for myself.

If I thought I could manage suicide and it wouldn;t hurt or leave me ugly, I would. If what is going on in my life is a sample of what the rest of my life is, I'm less than thrilled.

But it will proably be a massive stroke and right now, that does not feel like a bad thing.EVERYONE who has what I have? They drop dead in their tracks. Walking across the street? Dead. Waiting in the ER? Dead.  My best freind had this AVM thing and after all the help in the world, she dropped dead as she was crossing the street with her baby in a stroller. DEAD. Another friend died during yard duty. Just collapsed and was dead before anyone noticed. So when I say drop dead, I mean DROP DEAD.

So right now, I feel okay. Not great but okay. Time to start spring and supper cleaning because I am NOT having strangers coming in and making anide remarks about my laudry room or my kitchen cupboards.

Oh, I have an appointment in San Francisco for a "it might work" three week trial. I get a C line dropped INTO MY HEART (and yes, I'm wake while they tread the aquarium thru), and then they will drop what can only be called poison into me. My hair will fall out (I hate my hair and I'm tired of shaving my legs anyway.)

My husband wil remarry and I hope she is a nice woman and treats him well. My children? My daughter will look at this as a dip in the road. My son is dying anyway, so I just hope he believes I'll be waiting. Me? I think dead is dead. No clouds. No harp music. Just dead.

Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:49 PM
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Replies (1-5):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:51 PM
Holy shit. Get help
hunnybunny2001
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:52 PM
Hum.... I'm sorry you are going threw so much. Big hugs.. maybe talk to your dr about your depression
amaroq86
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:53 PM
Get some help and hang in there!
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:05 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Anonymous:

Holy shit. Get help

"I have surgery next week (an old scar has started to leed and I worry about MRSA). I broke my arm and the titanium bolt has a crack in it. IT HURTS.

I have an AVM located under my hypothalamus and there is not help, no surgery and no hope. The luckiest thing that could happen to be is to just up and drop dead."

"My son is ill and will never recover. Never. My daughter is headstrong and LESS than understanding about how frightened I am. My husband is only concerned about himself. And I don't blame him. If I had a choice, I'd want out, too.

Sounds like she HAS gotten help

Just not the kind of sunshine and lollipops help ANYONE would welcome. "Holy shit, Get help" is less than a supportive/caring or sympathetic statement from a caring community. Faced with this kind of health catastrophe, If this were Angelina Jolie, she would have cover stories and newspaper articles written about her...heck, she'd have her own charity! But here she is, anonymously asking for support/help/ the sun will come up tomorrow and she get "Holy shit! Get some help?"  You might want to rethink your gut instinct before you hit "Add Reply". Just sayin' that she probably has her plate full and is looking at the end of her world.

I wonder how many of us DO feel worthless?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:26 AM

You need to talk to someone immediately. I can support you tell you it will be ok and to hang in there. I think you are beyond support from an online community. You need professional help to help you work through these feelings. Trust me I understand depression and anxiety. I have been under the treatment of a doctor for three years. There are days and nights, like last night when I don't sleep because all the worries are in my head. Sometimes I do think what would it be like if I wasn't here. Yes, the pain would stop for me. But what about my DH and DS? I would be leaving them with a lifetime Of pain and guilt. I can't do that to them. So I hold on. Sometimes by my fingertips. I think of all the good things that have happened in my life. Meeting DH when I thought I would never meet anybody. Hearing DS cry the first time after years and years of infertility. I have good in my life. I just need to recognize it. So do you. Talking to a real person face-to-face will help. Getting medication will help. Talk to the doctor who is during your surgery. Talk to a nurse in the hospital. Talk to a pastor or anyone. You can do this. You know you can. If you are still here, you are holding on.
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