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Extreamly frustrated... *sex related* *long*

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

When I first met my SO, we had sex constantly.  Our first time was 4 HOURS LONG!!!  Guy is AMAZING in bed!  Or was.  We've been together 2 years on and off.  Well, last summer, we made the choice to be completely on and ended up getting pregnant.  Ever since then, the sex has all but stopped.  He's had some health issues, some stomach and joint problems.  We're still not sure what the deal is with that.  Also, there's the pregnancy to deal with.  Complete surprise.  Long story short, I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant.  It was like only 3% possible, but I guess we got there anyway.  lol  We were both very surprised but we're happy about our DD.  She should be here in the next 6 weeks.  Before it's suggested, he knows he will not hurt the baby.  He's gone with me to talk to the doctor and the doctor has encouraged us to have sex as much as we feel we want to.

We have sex MAYBE once a week, and it's MAYBE 10 minutes before he climaxes and we're done.  He says that it just isn't something he worries about right now, what with all the other worries on our minds.  He'll say he's hurting or not feeling well and that will be that.  Ok, well, I feel like he's just not attracted to me anymore.  Not with the pregnancy being so pronounced and all.  I've only gained about 20 lbs, but I feel like most of that is in my butt.  He says that he's great with that and thinks I'm still as sexy as ever.  It's just that I don't feel like he likes me anymore.  He likes to cuddle or whatever but if I so much as bring up sex recently, he gets upset.  Case in point: We haven't had sex since last Wednesday and I haven't mentioned much about it, just a few teasing comments here and there.  Well, last night was father's day so I thought, "Hey, why not?" and I tried to get him in the mood.  I'd make naughty comments even flashed him some boob a time or two.  He'd laugh and roll his eyes.  Then, after a few hours of dropping hints, I got impatient and said, "Are we going to have sex tonight?"  He got upset and said that "It gets really old when you bring it up all the time!"  Ok, we haven't had sex in 4 days, I haven't commented on it except teasing until right then.  How is that bringing it up all the time? 

Now, I have few coping mechanisms that I can use for stress while I'm pregnant.  I can't drink.  I can't go to the gym (OB's orders).  I don't want to eat my feelings because I've been there, done that and it wasn't fun.  Sex was something I used to not only release my stress, but it also helps me feel a bit more secure in my relationship, allows me to get a sense of intimacy with my partner and makes me feel like he might actually want me.  With the dramatic decrease in not only frequency but quality, I'm very concerned.  I know he's not cheating because we're always home together.  Whenever we leave, I'm generally the one driving because of his joint problems and I have full access to his phone whenever I want.  I trust in the fact that he's not cheating, but I don't feel like he's attracted to me anymore.  I told him last night that I just won't tell him when I want sex anymore.  I slept fully clothed, even though it was even more uncomfortable than I normally am and I intend to do so tonight, too.  He's already gone to bed and I'm not going for a while.  I don't know what to do.  I feel very hurt, vulnerable and confused right now.  It doesn't help that in past relationships, my ex husband said I was disgusting when I was pregnant and openly cheated on me.  What do I do?

Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:10 AM
Replies (51-60):
bonitalilmama
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:37 AM


I agree with this, it's like your focused on physical pleasure and don't understand he is in pain. I don't think he finds you unattractive he just doesn't want to be in pain like most people.

Quoting tossed:

No dear, it is medical. If he is having joint pain, SEX HURTS HIM. It may hurt him for hours after sex. If you are driving due to his joint pains, I can't imagine how painful sex is. He needs a full medical work up. It sounds like he is scared. He may have also had a drop in testosterone levels.

Don't keep pushing him. Suggest he see a dr to get to the bottom of his joint pains....a rheumatologist is the appropriate specialist to see.



Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:41 AM

Ok.  I give.  The only thing that matters is his pain, even though I deal with my own and look after his every day, all day. 


Quoting bonitalilmama:


I agree with this, it's like your focused on physical pleasure and don't understand he is in pain. I don't think he finds you unattractive he just doesn't want to be in pain like most people.

Quoting tossed:

No dear, it is medical. If he is having joint pain, SEX HURTS HIM. It may hurt him for hours after sex. If you are driving due to his joint pains, I can't imagine how painful sex is. He needs a full medical work up. It sounds like he is scared. He may have also had a drop in testosterone levels.

Don't keep pushing him. Suggest he see a dr to get to the bottom of his joint pains....a rheumatologist is the appropriate specialist to see.





Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:57 AM
What if you accept that sex does not equal a stable relationship and question why you need it to feel loved even to the extent that you are ok forcing and hurting your "loved one" to get it.

These are your insecurities at play. I think you are using sex as a validation for your self worth. That is a dead end.


Quoting Anonymous:

So I have to accept that this is how it is and just let it go?  Let all my feelings of being there for him and getting very little if anything back go?  Let the fact that I feel like he doesn't want or appreciate me go?  Sounds like what people used to tell me about my ex husband when he'd hit me.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound bitchy but I'm upset about this.  I don't know what to do.



Quoting HotMamaRosie:


Quoting Anonymous:

How did you get him un"comfy"?  I don't like feeling this way.  I just don't understand.  Is it really so hard to at least attempt to even flirt with me?



Quoting HotMamaRosie:

You just wrote my entire last pregnancy saga. So many things very similar. All I can say is, hang in there. There will be ups and downs. I think that much like my DH, maybe he just got too comfy. 




Well, the joint pain, and worry about hurting the baby, etc, wound up being diagnosed as ED which is common for men during a pregnancy. I wouldn't say it was easy but we kept at it and after dd1 was born it took care of itself. It was really crazy and hurtful to go through. He sd he still found me sexy! I just couldn't get the cation that came with it. Hang in there. The more I forced it, the worse it got. Honestly, I would just please myself the last few weeks and let it go. 





Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:58 AM
What an incredibly selfish response,

Get yourself a vibrator.


Quoting Anonymous:

Ok.  I give.  The only thing that matters is his pain, even though I deal with my own and look after his every day, all day. 



Quoting bonitalilmama:


I agree with this, it's like your focused on physical pleasure and don't understand he is in pain. I don't think he finds you unattractive he just doesn't want to be in pain like most people.


Quoting tossed:

No dear, it is medical. If he is having joint pain, SEX HURTS HIM. It may hurt him for hours after sex. If you are driving due to his joint pains, I can't imagine how painful sex is. He needs a full medical work up. It sounds like he is scared. He may have also had a drop in testosterone levels.


Don't keep pushing him. Suggest he see a dr to get to the bottom of his joint pains....a rheumatologist is the appropriate specialist to see.








Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:59 AM

 


Quoting Anonymous:

 

 

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Quoting Anonymous:

Alright, I can see your point.  However, I don't think I'd care much about the quantity of times we had sex as long as the quality was reasonably decent.  I mean, 10 minutes?  Really?  And usually the only time we have sex is AFTER he has a wet dream.  He's 32 years old and has had around 3 wet dreams in the last two months.  When does this happen?  Then, we'll do a little bit of foreplay which is usually me giving him oral, then I hop on and he's done before I can even begin to orgasm.  He used to really care about if I got off or not.  Now, it doesn't seem to matter.

 

Quoting Anonymous:

I think part of the problem that you may be overlooking is the fact that you are pregnant.  I don't mean the obvious of the baby, but the hormone factor.  Think of it as PMS on steriods.  Some women want more sex when they are pregnant, others don't want to be touched at all.  Pregnancy hormones - the emotional rollercoaster that doesn't end until the baby is about a year old.  (I have five kids of my own - I know wherewith I speak.)  I also have joint issues.  I gave birth to a 9lb.11oz. baby without using pain meds, and that is a cakewalk compared to the joint pain I get sometimes.  Something else you might want to consider is speaking with a counselor about why you use sexual attraction to determine if a man loves you.  Sexual attraction is usually the most intense for the first couple of years in a relationship and then tapers down.  That is normal, as couples settle in together.  Not saying that it can't still get hot and heavy, but most likely it won't be like that several times a week either.  Again, that is a normal progression in a relationship.  If you are counting on using sexual attraction as a standard for if a man loves you and it attracted, you are going to have problems.  It sounds like you are both having problems communicating with each other.  You might want to read "Love Languages" or look into couples counseling. 

 

 


Actually, the wet dreams may be to your advantage. It sounds like his body is trying to get him back to his old sexual self. If you have gotten him super aroused with oral and then "hop on" it really is not a shock that he comes quickly. Slow down the foreplay. Sex, love, marriage is not a scorecard, although it sounds like you are keeping score. You sound like you want him to reciprocate for each little or big thing you have done. If you continue in this score card mentality, you are going to be really disappointed. You are making a lot of assumptions about what he must think which just adds to the other poster's point....you have a serious communication problem and really need to think about counseling. The more I read your comments, I think sex is only part of your issues and you are using it as the outlet for your other issues.

 

I don't "keep score".  I do feel used and slightly taken advantage of.  We're not married, nor do we intend to get married.  Once was enough for both of us and we don't want to go through the headache of it.  Yes, our communication has gone downhill recently, but honestly, a lot of that has to do with the fact that I would tell him how I felt about things and he'd get mad at me for days after about it.  I feel vulnerable to him. 

You may not think you are, but in this thread alone, you have listed several things you have done for him, but then complained that he did not do something in return for you. Read back over your own words and maybe you will see it. It is pretty clear to an outsider looking in. 

If he gets upset, it might be the way things are approached. Once again, it comes down to communication. I am not saying you do not have a right to be upset, but just reading how you have written things and how it sounds, I can see why he would feel defensive. You have belittled his pain as though it is his fault that he is not well and able to go at it for hours. You have suggested that you will do all the work in sex if he will just lay there for longer than 10 minutes, etc.

You have had several different posters suggest counseling. I really think that is the best thing any of us can suggest for you. You need counseling for yourself because you equate sex with love and attraction. As a couple, you need counseling to help your relationship.

 

 

When have I belittled his pain?  I'm fully aware of his pain.  I understand.  I do my best to look after him and make it so he doesn't have to move much when he has a flair up.  I have never even INDICATED that this is his fault.  Ever.  Not to him nor on this thread.  I just want a little appreciation.  Why is that so hard?

He won't do counseling.  He thinks that it doesn't work simply because his ex was awful to him throughout.  I received counseling due to other issues up until recently.  I asked him to go with me once and it turned into a huge fight.

There were 2 places that come to mind without looking back at all of your comments. First, you said that you will do all the work in sex he has to "basically just lay there while I do all of the work." IMO, that really belittles his pain....it suggests that as long as you can get off, he should just go along with it because he has not had to have a joint drained in 6 weeks. That sounds like you think that since he has not had the PAINFUL procedure done in 6 weeks, he has had plenty of time to get beyond this and do what you want. The second was today. I am sorry you hurt a muscle and had to fix meals for the two of you, but he "just sat on the sofa because his stomach hurt." That belittles his pain.

You have REPEATEDLY suggested that this is his fault. It is hard to be the one giving the care to an ill loved one. I get that. It gets old, but you are NOT stopping to think of all of the ways this has impacted him. He is 32 and has to be scared out of his mind. He went from being a stallion to a 32 year old who does not have his usual interest in sex. He is in pain and does not know why. He does not know if this is what is left of his life and if it is, does he really have a life? But, you want him to hold you for hours and do all that he used to do. I am sorry, that is not feasible for him or anyone in his condition right now. You have said in another response that you are not keeping score, but you sure sound like you are...he does not do this or that. You have a list of what you do not like about his behavior...you have a list of all that you have done for him (and I am sure you have).

Even if he will not go to counseling, YOU need to go for yourself. You need to address this mixed up idea you have about sex and attraction and love AND you need some nurturing and counseling for being the significant other for a person with a CHRONIC and possibly life long medical condition.

 

 

Ok, so you're telling me just shut up and get over it.  That all that matters is his pain, be it physical or emotional and to hell with mine.  I can't go to counseling because it interferes with doctors appointments.  Go ahead, tell me that I'm blaming THAT on him, too, even though recently it's been appointments for the baby.  I'm not allowed to be looked after a little?  I'm 34 weeks pregnant!  I feel awful, ugly and disgusting.  My hips are spreading, the baby moves onto nerves in my legs, causing shooting pains.  The weight of the pregnancy has caused the herniated disc in my back to get worse.  The pulled muscle is right in the middle of my back so if I so much as BREATHE it feels like something is stabbing me.  I'm in constant freaking pain, too!  I have anemia, blood pressure problems and migraines from hell.  I also have a 10 yr old and 8 yr old to take care of.  Do I get days where I can just sit and relax?  Nope.  Not even on Mother's Day or my birthday.  I'm up in the morning, making sure breakfast is made and decent.  I'm making sure everyone gets to their doctor's appointments on time (my oldest is ADHD and in counseling and sees his pediatrician for his meds once a month).  I'm cleaning the house, cooking the meals and taking care of everyone in this house.  I don't get days off.  Ever.  What will happen when I've just had a c-section?  I'm tired and I feel used.  But I guess I should just get over it because he has a chronic condition, right? 

Trust me, he isn't the only one freaked out about what he's going through.  It isn't a cake walk watching someone you love go through all of this.  It isn't my idea of paradise to have someone be a jerk because he's stressed, his nerves a frayed and he's in pain.  I'm still here though and I'm not going anywhere.  I just don't understand why he can't take a few minutes and give me a damn kiss.

Don't see any place where anyone has told you to shut up. You started off with this all about his lack of sex drive and your need for more sex.

Now, I think this response of yours proves that SEX is the least of your issues.

Absolutely, you shoudl be loved and supported, but he may not be in a position to do that for you as much or in the ways that you want that. Any woman who has ever been pregnant can appreciate that you are tired and in need of a break. But, you need to see how you have shifted just about everything to his fault. This is not really a sex issue. Even when several posters suggest that you go to counseling, you repeatedly blamed him and said he refused to go. You are now saying that there are just too many other appointments for you, for YOU to go to counseling. Sorry, but I seriously doubt that you have 22 different appointments a month. I say 22 because there are usually 22 business days a month. YOU need an outlet for your frustration. IF YOU are not willing to give yourself ONE day a month for an appointment, how can you expect anyone else to put your needs first.

Since you are close to your due date, it is time to line up friends and family who can help. Make up some casseroles so that cooking is not a big issue. The kids are old enough to help. I had 2 with ADHD and I guarantee they were helping when they were that age.

Yep, he should show his gratitude and affection, but he may not be able to. You have listed things that are bothering you. In reality, they seem to be things that will pass (except the herniated disc) but he may be facing a progressive condition. His life as a verile man may be over.

I don't think you have to shut up, but you need some counseling in communication, dealing with your own issues of men/sex/etc.

You started by asking about how to get more sex....look at how far you have come in a short time with women you will never see. IF you would go to a counselor, I think you could unload and learn some coping techniques.

Good luck to both of you. Living with and loving a person with chronic medical issues is not easy. It is a continual process of adjustment. You heard him tell his brother how much he appreciates you...it would be nice to have him tell you, but take some comfort that he admitted it to another man.

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jun. 18, 2013 at 7:00 AM
It is hard. My dh was going through cancer and surgeries during my pregnancy. The last thing I thought about was sex, because it was so uncomfortable , so that part didn't bother me. I just had to try to remember that it wasn't a normal situation and it wasn't gonna be all about me. Are you at least cuddling/touching , and talking to keep the intimacy? If not then have a little talk and remind him you're in this together
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jun. 18, 2013 at 7:00 AM

If you'd read through, you'd have seen the multiple times I've said it isn't just the sex.  It's the kisses that actually had feeling behind them.  The cuddling at night for longer than 10 minutes.  The hugs from behind.  The simple acts of intimacy that seems to be lacking.  It's the fact that I feel unappreciated and like what I do every day is expected of me.


Quoting Anonymous:

What if you accept that sex does not equal a stable relationship and question why you need it to feel loved even to the extent that you are ok forcing and hurting your "loved one" to get it.

These are your insecurities at play. I think you are using sex as a validation for your self worth. That is a dead end.


Quoting Anonymous:

So I have to accept that this is how it is and just let it go?  Let all my feelings of being there for him and getting very little if anything back go?  Let the fact that I feel like he doesn't want or appreciate me go?  Sounds like what people used to tell me about my ex husband when he'd hit me.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound bitchy but I'm upset about this.  I don't know what to do.



Quoting HotMamaRosie:


Quoting Anonymous:

How did you get him un"comfy"?  I don't like feeling this way.  I just don't understand.  Is it really so hard to at least attempt to even flirt with me?



Quoting HotMamaRosie:

You just wrote my entire last pregnancy saga. So many things very similar. All I can say is, hang in there. There will be ups and downs. I think that much like my DH, maybe he just got too comfy. 




Well, the joint pain, and worry about hurting the baby, etc, wound up being diagnosed as ED which is common for men during a pregnancy. I wouldn't say it was easy but we kept at it and after dd1 was born it took care of itself. It was really crazy and hurtful to go through. He sd he still found me sexy! I just couldn't get the cation that came with it. Hang in there. The more I forced it, the worse it got. Honestly, I would just please myself the last few weeks and let it go. 







Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jun. 18, 2013 at 7:06 AM

He'll cuddle up to me for a few minutes a few times a week.  I changed where I sat in the living room so I could get up and get things for him easier, so we're not really able to touch when we're sitting down in the living room.  I have kind of demanded a game night with the family where we'll all play games and turn off the TV and game systems for a few hours.  We don't talk much anymore because it seemed to irritate him when I tried to talk to him about what I felt. 


Quoting Anonymous:

It is hard. My dh was going through cancer and surgeries during my pregnancy. The last thing I thought about was sex, because it was so uncomfortable , so that part didn't bother me. I just had to try to remember that it wasn't a normal situation and it wasn't gonna be all about me. Are you at least cuddling/touching , and talking to keep the intimacy? If not then have a little talk and remind him you're in this together



Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jun. 18, 2013 at 7:38 AM

I am sure you are tired and frustrated right now, but you made a major break through in this thread.

You started out saying this was all about sex, wanting more sex, and feeling bad about yourself due to how your ex treated you. In the end, it came out that you are dealing with a whole lot more than SEX. Really, I don't think sex is the problem, but rather a symptom.

I sincerely hope that you get some much need rest, relief, and appreciation. You have more on your plate than a person should have to confront at any time and certainly not while pregnant.

I wish you the best.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:23 AM

I hope your day got better. I have thought about you today and talked to my grown son about this to try to get a man's perspective. His view was that your so is just wrapped up in his own worries and is in pain and afraid. That may not help you, but anosaidther man  it is not that your so does not care or want to be there for you, but that he just can't right now.

It must be terribly hard to be going through this, hormones flaaring, pain, and a loved one who is going through a medical crisis.

Learn to do something for yourself so that validation from another is not so important. This is something you have to do for yourself. Good luck. I hope your pregnancy, delivery, recovery go well.

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