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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

how do i learn to forgive myself?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 66 Replies
1 mom liked this

When I had DS2 (who is now 14 months old) I developed PPD. I didn't think it was possible to feel anything but overwhelming love for your child and was really distraught over my feelings. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself the entire time I was experiencing it. I got help for it around the time he was 2 or 3 months old and by the time he was 6-8 months old I was pretty much over it for the most part. There was never any question that I loved my son and would lay down my life for him I just wasn't really interested in being a new mom again. I of course took care of him, but a lot of the responsibility was put on my DH. It's not something I'm proud of. When I had my first DS (who is now 4 years old) I never felt anything BUT love and looked forward to every moment with him. I was never bothered by crying, lack of sleep, feedings.. for some reason when I had DS2 I dreaded ALL of that. I only did it when I had to and only because I had to. The entire pregnancy I was completely disconnected from him. I never rubbed my belly or even cared to discuss the pregnancy at all. I had such a lack of interest over the whole thing and it didn't really hit me until I was giving birth that I was about to be a new mom again. My maternity leave from work was spent counting down the days. Please understand I never abused or neglected my child. He was always taken care of and always shown love.. there was just no interest there and I didn't bond with him the way my DH did or the way I did with my first DS. It took me a couple of months to come around. Today I feel the bond and can't wait to come home to my boys. I truly and honestly enjoy being a mother again. I wish every day I could be a SAHM like I was with my first. I hate leaving them and want to cry at drop-offs in the morning. We are even pregnant and due with baby number three very soon. I'm confident in the fact that I wont go to that dark place again. I'm very excited to meet my son in August and have the full support I need from DH and my DRs. The problem I have run into is learning to forgive myself for the time I feel I lost with DS2. I beat myself up every day! While I'm happy DS2 has bonded so well with my DH when he chooses to play with him or sit with him or even have DH put him to bed at night I can't help but be reminded that I did that to him. He doesn't shun me, like I mentioned before we've bonded just fine I just can't come to terms with how awful I must have made him feel as a NB/infant. I hate that I went through that and I will never get those moments back with him. It just kills me inside!

*EDIT*

WOW! I had no idea this would turn into a featured post overnight! I want to thank everyone who replied with such kind words. It means a lot to me that I'm not alone and that everyone has been so kind here. To all of you who are also struggeling I wish you luck and you can PM me anytime. It's a hard struggle, but with the right people in your life and a strong support system taking it day-by-day will make it easier to cope with.

Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 19, 2013 at 7:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:39 PM

BUMP!

LadyNCVE
by Silver Member on Jun. 20, 2013 at 12:15 AM
4 moms liked this

I had this super long message typed and accidentally deleted it.  I completely understand your feelings!  It's never to late to build on your relationship with your children.  Don't expect to make up for lost time all at once or overwhelm yourself with expectations.  Just start now and make the time special.  No one replaces a mother.  Even if it's short periods of time a day. Make it your time with him special.  Look into his eyes and listen to him.  Just love him and you will both be okay.  In box me if you ever want to talk about it.  

TattedReader
by on Jun. 20, 2013 at 12:57 AM
I've been there. Exactly there (except i am a sahm) and it was horrible, excruciating. I blame myself still every day thinking my DDs could have a better mother even though I know I love them and care for them more than anyone ever could. It's irrational. I still suffer clinical depression. I have no advice, just relate.
TheMetal
by on Jun. 20, 2013 at 12:59 AM
2 moms liked this

It happens. I felt the same when my daughter was born. I was always "one of the boys" so when my son came along, I was so excited! I have a little boy who I will teach how to shoot, play sports, work on cars, it's going to be a blast! Then when my little girl came around, I must have known even before we found out she was a girl because I felt so disconnected. A was never a feminine woman, how will I deal with the shopping trips, the nail polish, the Justin Beaver concerts when I can't stand them myself?

My daughter and I love each other but she is a serious Daddy's girl and the dynamic works. I felt guilt, initially, for not being the Mom she deserved until I got over my "I need to be feminine to raise a daughter right" complex and came to realize that what happened in our family happened and it works for us. It sounds like you have a good family situation and that's all you can ask for. In time, you'll realize that you're not perfect and there's no such thing as a perfect Mom, but your son is happy and that's all that matters.

ProudMommaBear
by on Jun. 20, 2013 at 1:01 AM
1 mom liked this

I know exactly how you feel.  I love my daughter to DEATH but i find it very hard to bond with her and have that connection that everyone else seems to have with their child.  I also didn't get time to bond with her because I was 6mo pregnant when I found out plus I'm a teen so I was very scared.  I beat myself up too and have PPD... I just want to cry because I wish I would've enjoyed being pregnant more, and enjoyed her kicks and flops and jabs much more than I did.. I wish I would've felt that overwhelming amount of LOVE when I saw her but I didn't.  But it's always been hard for me to bond with anyone or show emotions... my DD isn't really attached to me which has its good and bad side.. I just wish I would enjoy my time with her more than I do.  it makes me so mad at myself .  but now that I'm out of school I try to spend as much time with her as possible and enjoy every second of it.  I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.  I hate how messed up my emotions are.. or lack of emotions. 

Linus77
by Silver Member on Jun. 20, 2013 at 1:06 AM
8 moms liked this

You have to make the choice to forgive everyday.  Every hour.  Every single time the regret and condemnation comes in.  You tell yourself that you forgive yourself and you push it out.  Fill your mind with things that bring you joy.  You aren't the same person.  In time, the self-forgiveness will stick.

There's a song by Matthew West about this:

"Hello, My Name Is"

Hello, my name is regret
I’m pretty sure we have met
Every single day of your life
I’m the whisper inside
That won’t let you forget


Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again
‘Til you’ve lost all belief
These are the voices, these are the lies
And I have believed them, for the very last time
Hello, my name is child of the one true King


I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, and I have been set free
“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King


I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it’s true
Just take a look at my life


What love the Father has lavished upon us
That we should be called His children
I am a child of the one true King

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJlCj9_Sfj0

onthegomom154
by Member on Jun. 20, 2013 at 2:08 AM
1 mom liked this
pray and ask the Lord for forgiveness and to give you peace
Ultra_
by Platinum Member on Jun. 20, 2013 at 4:22 AM
Love that song!!

Quoting Linus77:

You have to make the choice to forgive everyday.  Every hour.  Every single time the regret and condemnation comes in.  You tell yourself that you forgive yourself and you push it out.  Fill your mind with things that bring you joy.  You aren't the same person.  In time, the self-forgiveness will stick.

There's a song by Matthew West about this:

"Hello, My Name Is"







Hello, my name is regret

I’m pretty sure we have met

Every single day of your life

I’m the whisper inside

That won’t let you forget



Hello, my name is defeat

I know you recognize me

Just when you think you can win

I’ll drag you right back down again

‘Til you’ve lost all belief

These are the voices, these are the lies

And I have believed them, for the very last time

Hello, my name is child of the one true King



I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, and I have been set free

“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King



I am no longer defined

By all the wreckage behind

The one who makes all things new

Has proven it’s true

Just take a look at my life



What love the Father has lavished upon us

That we should be called His children

I am a child of the one true King

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJlCj9_Sfj0

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 20, 2013 at 4:28 AM
1 mom liked this
I've been there. My son does not view me any differently than he would have if I did not have PPD. Newborns don't understand love and doing the things that they need done (fresh diapers, food, etc) are the things that comfort them and make them feel safe and to them, that is what 'love' is. There is no need to feel guilty over this. He won't remember. I was given the advice when I was taking care of 2 babies, my own 2 year old and a friends infant full time that if both are upset, to tend to the older one because that is the one to remember and hold it against me. An infant will never hold anything against anyone, especially a newborn when you are the care taker
Madismom29
by Member on Jun. 20, 2013 at 6:10 AM
1 mom liked this

Dont beat yourself up over this, the important thing is that you recognized that you needed help and you got that help. Also, that you and your DS2 have bonded now. Don't let people tell you that you are a bad mom, or shame on you, or other things like that. Congrats on the growing family!

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