When I had DS2 (who is now 14 months old) I developed PPD. I didn't think it was possible to feel anything but overwhelming love for your child and was really distraught over my feelings. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself the entire time I was experiencing it. I got help for it around the time he was 2 or 3 months old and by the time he was 6-8 months old I was pretty much over it for the most part. There was never any question that I loved my son and would lay down my life for him I just wasn't really interested in being a new mom again. I of course took care of him, but a lot of the responsibility was put on my DH. It's not something I'm proud of. When I had my first DS (who is now 4 years old) I never felt anything BUT love and looked forward to every moment with him. I was never bothered by crying, lack of sleep, feedings.. for some reason when I had DS2 I dreaded ALL of that. I only did it when I had to and only because I had to. The entire pregnancy I was completely disconnected from him. I never rubbed my belly or even cared to discuss the pregnancy at all. I had such a lack of interest over the whole thing and it didn't really hit me until I was giving birth that I was about to be a new mom again. My maternity leave from work was spent counting down the days. Please understand I never abused or neglected my child. He was always taken care of and always shown love.. there was just no interest there and I didn't bond with him the way my DH did or the way I did with my first DS. It took me a couple of months to come around. Today I feel the bond and can't wait to come home to my boys. I truly and honestly enjoy being a mother again. I wish every day I could be a SAHM like I was with my first. I hate leaving them and want to cry at drop-offs in the morning. We are even pregnant and due with baby number three very soon. I'm confident in the fact that I wont go to that dark place again. I'm very excited to meet my son in August and have the full support I need from DH and my DRs. The problem I have run into is learning to forgive myself for the time I feel I lost with DS2. I beat myself up every day! While I'm happy DS2 has bonded so well with my DH when he chooses to play with him or sit with him or even have DH put him to bed at night I can't help but be reminded that I did that to him. He doesn't shun me, like I mentioned before we've bonded just fine I just can't come to terms with how awful I must have made him feel as a NB/infant. I hate that I went through that and I will never get those moments back with him. It just kills me inside!
WOW! I had no idea this would turn into a featured post overnight! I want to thank everyone who replied with such kind words. It means a lot to me that I'm not alone and that everyone has been so kind here. To all of you who are also struggeling I wish you luck and you can PM me anytime. It's a hard struggle, but with the right people in your life and a strong support system taking it day-by-day will make it easier to cope with.