I'm sorry that last night I called you a Fucktard and threw your beers off the balcony, I'm also sorry I called your best friend a little bitch (to his face). You see my love, I got a teeny bit upset when he showed up at 11pm with alcohol on a Thursday night. Now, any other time might have been different, but I was quite exhausted. You see darling, our sweet 4 month old baby is teething and very cranky, and I had just gotten her to fall asleep when your wonderful best friend showed up without notice and began to pound on our door, him waking her up was the first thing to upset me. Then as you two sat and drank until 1 am, you both became loud and obnoxious, by this time dear, if you recall correctly I had already asked you two to keep it down about 10 times. So, again I am sorry I came storming out of her room, (after you two had woken her up for the 5th time) grabbed your case of beer and threw it off our balcony, I might have gone overboard, but I probably wouldn't have gone that far if you hadn't said "Hey there she is, the evil witch of the west" when I did come out to tell you two to shut up. So, I just wanted to say, I hope your mothers couch was comfortable, was she upset when you called her at 1am telling her I locked you out of the house? Oh well, I guess I'll see you tonight my dear. I do so hope we can move past this, just remember, my favorite flowers are Lily's and I love chocolate raisins.
Your wifey (AKA the crazy bitch and or evil witch of the west)