i was reading a recent post, asking "is this rape?" and it reminded me of my own personal situation.. and it made me want to open up for advice from other woman ...
10 years ago when i was 15, june 16th 2005 , i had a miscarriage at 7 weeks pregnant. my boyfriend at the time (now DH) was very sad by this (we used to live together with his side of the family.) he has a brother, who is also his twin..
the day after my MC. june 17th 2005.. my now dh and his twin brother got pissy drunk.. drank a fifth of paul masson brandy and a fifth of gin.. my dh passed out on the couch. still bleeding and cramping i laid in my room (our room to sleep) dh and his brother were very young back then only 19 or 20 years old. they used to physically fight ALL the time. that night they fought as well . before dh passed out.
well fast forward to when i was in my room, i get a knock on the bedroom door, it had to be around 3 am, it was my dh's brother ill call him "F", he came in sat next to me at the edge of the bed, attempting to console (VERBALLY) and tell me how my dh loves me hes just hurt by the miscarriage etc.. (DH and i had gotten into a huge argument earlier that day, dhs argument was i wanted to miscarry on purpose , my argument was he was a drunk and was being heartless.) any how.. dh's brother began rubbing on my thigh, i took his hand moved it and said to him " F what are you doing"?
"F"- nothing come on dont act like you dont want it
me- if you touch me like that again im going to tell "L" (my dh.)
"F" - (sucks his teeth) what ever man.
he walks out the room and out the house.
i exit behind him and go to "L" who is passed out on the couch i start shaking him telling him to wake up , "F" is trying to have sex with me.
"L AND F'S UNCLE" comes in the house, to see if the commotion had died down and seen me shaking L, he yells at me to go in the room ,"why do you want to wake him up when y'all were just fighting? " talk to him tommorow. His wife joins in and i leave the living room and go back into my room.. it seemed to me that at least a hour had past, i fell asleep but before doing so i pushed the dresser we used to have up to the bedroom door so it would wake me up if anyone came in while i was sleep. the dresser easily would slide on the floor because we had hardwood floors.
well "F" comes back again. this time i wake up to him standing above me.. he said he wanted to say sorry for what he did, that he is drunk and just mad at his girlfriend he thinks she had been "fucking other niggas" is what he said.. the girlfriend hes speaking about is my friend. so i began defending her telling him she loves him as i know "L" loves me, i began saying how i see myself marrying "F" one day etc. at this point we are sitting at the edge of the bed, i didnt feel comfortable laying down or anything with him inside the room, after about a 10 minute conversation "F" starts to rub on my thigh again, this time i attempt to get up and leave the room he grabs me by the front of my hair, not my ponytail but the front of my hair, and lays back halfway pulling me on top of him, trying to force his tounge in my mouth, as im holding his one hand attempting to release his grip to my hair he forces his other hand down my pants. i tell him stop, i tell him no, i mention his girlfriends name i mention his brothers name telling him how much they care about us, i even mention the miscarriage and how i am still bloody, nothing matters, all he would respond and say is "they dont give a fuck"
at some point through the tussling im on my stomach, "F" has already gotten my pants down i was wearing sweat pants in order to ease the cramping.. i dont think he ever took his jeans compltely off , from behind he rams me at least 6 or 7 times, hard! with one hand around my mouth and the other on my hair, his legs was wrapped around my legs from behind. when he finishes, he stands there, i say "F" you just raped me , he sucks his teeth and walks out the room, his pants was down to his ankles as he exited naked waist down. i get up and leave the room and lay with DH on the couch for the rest of the night sobbing. and i tell him the next morning , ill end this there because i know this is very long, i wouldve wrote in bold print so it wasnt so jumbled but i cant select another font option or anything.. i know this was rape, in my heart i know i didnt want to have sex, but ten years later "F" continues to deny he raped me, and says i wanted it, he tells my dh that i ruined their relationship etc.. so much that sometimes it makes me doubt myself whether or not i had control of the situation, if it was my fault or maybe it wasnt rape?? am i crazy this was rape right?
some people say, why didnt i run out the house screaming rape or help.
some people said why didnt i have scratches on my waist if he forced my pants down
some people say why didn't i call the police
i cant answer these questions, all i know is in that situation you dont think before hand and act how you would when you hear of something happening to some one else.. was this my fault?