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My confession *trigger* long

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I'm 29 yrs old and I'm laying in bed unable to sleep because of a dream, er rather a nightmare.
From age 5-11 I was molested by a great uncle (my grandfathers bil) and although he's long dead I still have the dreams of what he did come back every few years. I can literally still taste the beer and cigarettes on his breath and feel his slimy disgusting tongue as it stabbed into my mouth. I can still feel his callused hands on me and it still turns my stomach to this day.
It's just doesn't matter how much time passes, or counseling I've had, the memories never fade. They are as vivid today 24 years later as they were the days it happened. Although I'm no longer held by the bondage of fear as I used to be I can't help but still get angry.
Angry at my parents for continually leaving me with a man they knew was a pedophile, angry with the extended family that neatly swept it under the rug never to be mentioned again, angry at the sick bastard who preyed on my innocence and stole my will to live to the point that I was suicidal by age 13. It's the one thing I can't let go of.. I've let go and forgiven so much but the anger remains a constant in my life. I'm terrified of it somehow infecting my children and them growing up with this awful cancer gnawing at their soul. As much as I hate it though it kept me going for so long. It pushed me to survive just to prove it to him that his actions didn't have any control over my life. But here I am decades later realizing that in trying to prove he didn't control me I did exactly the opposite and allowed the anger he put in me to decide the majority of my life.
There's no real point to this other than it late and I'm thinking outloud so to speak to get it off my chest.
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 4:39 AM
Replies (21-27):
armywife009
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:51 AM

Oh man, I am really sorry. :(

And I completely understand where you are coming from. And it's true, the guilt can have a huge affect on them. They know they sucked and I'm sure they would take it back if they could.

Quoting SequesteredLeo:


Well, my stepmom is very sick right now with Lupus and we don't know how much longer she is going to be with us. She has been in and out of the hospital several months with congestive heart failure that was brought on by the Lupus.

My dad is about to be dealing with the loss of his second wife. It just seems insignificant right now although I have thought about it several times.

I think they both know they were crappy parents and I think they both live with a lot of guilt because I know that they know in their hearts that it really did happen and they never should have believed him over me. Maybe one day I can talk to my dad, but not until I think he is ready. He is 63 years old now and I would rather spend my time with him in happy times. They have come a long way since I was a teenager.

Quoting armywife009:

I'm sorry. :(

I had a long talk with my mom last year over it and it was the first time I told her how I felt about how she handled it and how she betrayed me. I was happy she finally listened, even though it's been years since it happened.

I hope you get the same one day.

Quoting SequesteredLeo:

Thats how I feel. I don't even bring it up to my parents anymore and I haven't in several years. Its just not worth rehashing though.


Quoting armywife009:

It's a vicious cycle your mind goes through. I still deep down inside have anger towards my mom and stepdad for allowing it. It doesn't consume me like it use to, but there's still a hint of it.

((Hugs))







SequesteredLeo
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:57 AM

Exactly. I hated them for a long time for it, but when my stepmom got sick and started to change I couldn't hold on to the hate anymore. It resurfaces at times, but it doesn't last long. As soon as I am around them again and they both tell me they love me, they never did that when I was a teenager, it all goes away and I know they regret everything.

I write it off as my dad was lonely for so long after my mom died that when he married my stepmother he completely threw himself into the marriage and nearly forgot he even had a kid.


Quoting armywife009:

Oh man, I am really sorry. :(

And I completely understand where you are coming from. And it's true, the guilt can have a huge affect on them. They know they sucked and I'm sure they would take it back if they could.

Quoting SequesteredLeo:


Well, my stepmom is very sick right now with Lupus and we don't know how much longer she is going to be with us. She has been in and out of the hospital several months with congestive heart failure that was brought on by the Lupus.

My dad is about to be dealing with the loss of his second wife. It just seems insignificant right now although I have thought about it several times.

I think they both know they were crappy parents and I think they both live with a lot of guilt because I know that they know in their hearts that it really did happen and they never should have believed him over me. Maybe one day I can talk to my dad, but not until I think he is ready. He is 63 years old now and I would rather spend my time with him in happy times. They have come a long way since I was a teenager.

Quoting armywife009:

I'm sorry. :(

I had a long talk with my mom last year over it and it was the first time I told her how I felt about how she handled it and how she betrayed me. I was happy she finally listened, even though it's been years since it happened.

I hope you get the same one day.

Quoting SequesteredLeo:

Thats how I feel. I don't even bring it up to my parents anymore and I haven't in several years. Its just not worth rehashing though.


Quoting armywife009:

It's a vicious cycle your mind goes through. I still deep down inside have anger towards my mom and stepdad for allowing it. It doesn't consume me like it use to, but there's still a hint of it.

((Hugs))









crumpy_gat
by No. on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:59 AM
I'm sorry :(
armywife009
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 6:15 AM

I'm glad for you they changed. It means the world to us kids, even when we are adults. Other people may not understand, but it's just the way things work.

Dh's family has a hard time understanding how I could even be around my mother (they support me in my decision though), and they have a right to feel that way, but after the death of my stepfather and everything that has happened, I know her heart has changed. I know why some things were the way they were, it doesn't make it right, but I have a deeper understanding and it's helped my process. 

Quoting SequesteredLeo:

Exactly. I hated them for a long time for it, but when my stepmom got sick and started to change I couldn't hold on to the hate anymore. It resurfaces at times, but it doesn't last long. As soon as I am around them again and they both tell me they love me, they never did that when I was a teenager, it all goes away and I know they regret everything.

I write it off as my dad was lonely for so long after my mom died that when he married my stepmother he completely threw himself into the marriage and nearly forgot he even had a kid.


Quoting armywife009:

Oh man, I am really sorry. :(

And I completely understand where you are coming from. And it's true, the guilt can have a huge affect on them. They know they sucked and I'm sure they would take it back if they could.

Quoting SequesteredLeo:


Well, my stepmom is very sick right now with Lupus and we don't know how much longer she is going to be with us. She has been in and out of the hospital several months with congestive heart failure that was brought on by the Lupus.

My dad is about to be dealing with the loss of his second wife. It just seems insignificant right now although I have thought about it several times.

I think they both know they were crappy parents and I think they both live with a lot of guilt because I know that they know in their hearts that it really did happen and they never should have believed him over me. Maybe one day I can talk to my dad, but not until I think he is ready. He is 63 years old now and I would rather spend my time with him in happy times. They have come a long way since I was a teenager.

Quoting armywife009:

I'm sorry. :(

I had a long talk with my mom last year over it and it was the first time I told her how I felt about how she handled it and how she betrayed me. I was happy she finally listened, even though it's been years since it happened.

I hope you get the same one day.

Quoting SequesteredLeo:

Thats how I feel. I don't even bring it up to my parents anymore and I haven't in several years. Its just not worth rehashing though.


Quoting armywife009:

It's a vicious cycle your mind goes through. I still deep down inside have anger towards my mom and stepdad for allowing it. It doesn't consume me like it use to, but there's still a hint of it.

((Hugs))










Cbreland07
by Ruby Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 2:19 PM
I guess because it happened to me I just can't imagine ever not believing my child or throwing them out because of it. I think that's what gets me, cause I would kill anyone that even remotely looked like they wanted to hurt my child. I kneed a guy at Walmart one time cause I noticed him following us and he'd made several comments about how pretty my girls were. I was bent down trying to find something and I felt someone kinda walk up behind me, it was that man and he was reaching out to touch my oldest daughters face who started screaming crying and I jumped up got in between them, grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed as hard as I could. If it weren't for the fact that I had my kids there I would have seriously tried to ensure he ended up in the hospital. It's just so foreign to me to put your kids in a dangerous situation like that or refuse to believe them.
You are far better than me cause I probably would have tried to kill him if I ever had to face my molester again!


Quoting armywife009:

Oh wow, that's terrible.

My mom use to always tell me to tell her if anything ever happened to me in that way. I think she had a suspicion. Well, I decided to tell her (it was a close cousin) and I regretted telling her. She kicked me out and called me every name in the book. That was when I was 11. Finally after years of fighting it and fighting with her over it, she admitted she was wrong and handled it wrong. A part of me still feels resentment towards her, she knows this. 

I can't stand the bastard and I had to face him at my stepdad's funeral, it took everything out of me not to kill him. Everything just came rushing back.

Quoting Cbreland07:

I only just found out recently that my parents knew.. I had always been angry at them for the way they handled it and never understood why they basically just let it go, but it was more in the background. It wasn't until last year when my sister let it slip that he had molested my mom and they knew what he was that all the odd pieces fell into place of why they never seemed surprised or outraged by it.





Quoting armywife009:

It's a vicious cycle your mind goes through. I still deep down inside have anger towards my mom and stepdad for allowing it. It doesn't consume me like it use to, but there's still a hint of it.

((Hugs))





armywife009
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 3:17 PM

Woah, how scary! Good for you for standing up for your girls!

I will never fully understand alot of the things my mother did. Alot of her mistakes are my lessons. I will never treat my daughters like that and I've told dh if he ever saw that I did, he may beat some sense into me.

Quoting Cbreland07:

I guess because it happened to me I just can't imagine ever not believing my child or throwing them out because of it. I think that's what gets me, cause I would kill anyone that even remotely looked like they wanted to hurt my child. I kneed a guy at Walmart one time cause I noticed him following us and he'd made several comments about how pretty my girls were. I was bent down trying to find something and I felt someone kinda walk up behind me, it was that man and he was reaching out to touch my oldest daughters face who started screaming crying and I jumped up got in between them, grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed as hard as I could. If it weren't for the fact that I had my kids there I would have seriously tried to ensure he ended up in the hospital. It's just so foreign to me to put your kids in a dangerous situation like that or refuse to believe them.
You are far better than me cause I probably would have tried to kill him if I ever had to face my molester again!


Quoting armywife009:

Oh wow, that's terrible.

My mom use to always tell me to tell her if anything ever happened to me in that way. I think she had a suspicion. Well, I decided to tell her (it was a close cousin) and I regretted telling her. She kicked me out and called me every name in the book. That was when I was 11. Finally after years of fighting it and fighting with her over it, she admitted she was wrong and handled it wrong. A part of me still feels resentment towards her, she knows this. 

I can't stand the bastard and I had to face him at my stepdad's funeral, it took everything out of me not to kill him. Everything just came rushing back.

Quoting Cbreland07:

I only just found out recently that my parents knew.. I had always been angry at them for the way they handled it and never understood why they basically just let it go, but it was more in the background. It wasn't until last year when my sister let it slip that he had molested my mom and they knew what he was that all the odd pieces fell into place of why they never seemed surprised or outraged by it.





Quoting armywife009:

It's a vicious cycle your mind goes through. I still deep down inside have anger towards my mom and stepdad for allowing it. It doesn't consume me like it use to, but there's still a hint of it.

((Hugs))






Cbreland07
by Ruby Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 4:10 PM
Haha I've had the same conversation with my husband.. I love my mother, I mean she's my mom, but i don't trust her and our relationship is so superficial.. I want more with my girls, and I want them to know that we will always be there loving them.


Quoting armywife009:

Woah, how scary! Good for you for standing up for your girls!

I will never fully understand alot of the things my mother did. Alot of her mistakes are my lessons. I will never treat my daughters like that and I've told dh if he ever saw that I did, he may beat some sense into me.

Quoting Cbreland07:

I guess because it happened to me I just can't imagine ever not believing my child or throwing them out because of it. I think that's what gets me, cause I would kill anyone that even remotely looked like they wanted to hurt my child. I kneed a guy at Walmart one time cause I noticed him following us and he'd made several comments about how pretty my girls were. I was bent down trying to find something and I felt someone kinda walk up behind me, it was that man and he was reaching out to touch my oldest daughters face who started screaming crying and I jumped up got in between them, grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed as hard as I could. If it weren't for the fact that I had my kids there I would have seriously tried to ensure he ended up in the hospital. It's just so foreign to me to put your kids in a dangerous situation like that or refuse to believe them.

You are far better than me cause I probably would have tried to kill him if I ever had to face my molester again!





Quoting armywife009:

Oh wow, that's terrible.

My mom use to always tell me to tell her if anything ever happened to me in that way. I think she had a suspicion. Well, I decided to tell her (it was a close cousin) and I regretted telling her. She kicked me out and called me every name in the book. That was when I was 11. Finally after years of fighting it and fighting with her over it, she admitted she was wrong and handled it wrong. A part of me still feels resentment towards her, she knows this. 

I can't stand the bastard and I had to face him at my stepdad's funeral, it took everything out of me not to kill him. Everything just came rushing back.

Quoting Cbreland07:

I only just found out recently that my parents knew.. I had always been angry at them for the way they handled it and never understood why they basically just let it go, but it was more in the background. It wasn't until last year when my sister let it slip that he had molested my mom and they knew what he was that all the odd pieces fell into place of why they never seemed surprised or outraged by it.








Quoting armywife009:

It's a vicious cycle your mind goes through. I still deep down inside have anger towards my mom and stepdad for allowing it. It doesn't consume me like it use to, but there's still a hint of it.

((Hugs))









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