Yes i am posting about my rape. It is for two reasons. The first reason is I have been dealing with issues in my support group. The second reason is the influx of rape posts in this group. These two mixed together just made me want to post about my rape.
I am going to start off by saying, no means no. The other circumstances do NOT matter. The only thing that matters is the lack of consent. Any guilt or shame you may feel is not yours to bear. Your attacker is the only one who should feel this. Please do not beat yourself up over it. You did nothing wrong.
Now I feel the need to give the abridged version of my rape. It was January of 2005. It was right before my spring courses started. It had snowed and I still hadn't gotten my car dug out. I spent the afternoon with a friend. We watched I, Robot, some music videos, and play Warcraft III. He then took me home. I went to my room and got online. I had a few friends on AIM. The one invited me up to "his" house (it was his parents house since we just graduated high school in 2004).
He came down to get me. We went up to his house. We stopped and said hi to his brother and a few friends in the kitchen. We then went to the living room where I thought we were going to watch movies. He said no the stuff is broken and we had to go to his room. No big deal. First thing he says when we get to his room is that all 3 shotguns by the door were loaded. I didn't think twice about it since wild animals do come close to houses in that area. He then asks to change his pants since they were soaked with snow. Once again, no big deal. I was in the marching band in high school and had seen guys in their underwear before. We then settle down on the air mattress on his floor and start watching the movie.
He started to kiss me. I will admitted I didn't push him off right away. But I did push him away after a few seconds. I tell him I have a boyfriend and I can't do this. He continues to try and kiss me. I push him away. He then starts putting his hands up my shirt and down my pants. He forced my hand down his pants. I had no where to go. My phone had no signal on the mountain and I couldn't run. He would shoot me. I was stuck. Despite me pushing him away and telling him no he kept going. We ended up naked and he put me on top of him. Every time I tried to get off he would slam me back down. I didn't know what to do so I tried complimenting him to get it over with sooner. It kinda worked. He flipped us over so he was on top. I laid there motionless and emotionless. Finally he asked if I was done. I just said yes. He pulled out and finished. He started getting dressed so I did too. He looked at the clock and said "that didn't take as long as I thought it would". He then took me home. I remember basically nothing of the ride home.
As soon as I get home I go upstairs and call my boyfriend and admit to him that I cheated on him and had sex with my friend. He said we would talk about it later. I went to the shower and tried to scrub my skin off. When the hot water was gone I went to my room and wrote down everything that happened. I showed it to my boyfriend when he got online. He kept telling me I was raped. I didn't believe him. I was in shock. Eventually I saw the truth.
That was 8 years ago obviously. I still have issues. Hell just a few weeks ago I had to go to the same town in which I was raped and had a complete breakdown. It was not pretty. But for the most part I am healed. Exposure therapy was my savior. I still get triggered though. And that is why I wrote what I did. I felt the need to get it out before I got triggered again by all the rape posts and all the victim blaming. And just because I think this symbolizes my rape best, here is my latest art therapy picture.