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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Do I really need to see a therapist? Long but please read.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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1 mom liked this

This is going to be a long post.

I have this one problem it's kind of big but I don't want to see a therapist about it. I just want advice on how to handle it and then move on.

My daughter is 10 years old. When I was 16 I met this guy at a school dace we hit it off pretty well and we dated for 3 Months. I went to his graduation party and I slept in his room with his sister while he slept in the livingroom with his friends. After his parents left in the morning he snuck in the room. I thought we were just going to fool around. when it went further then that and I realized there wasn't a condom I freaked and started to back away he pulled me back and then I shook my head the whole time. I was young and none of his friends liked me so I was scared that if I yelled no they might come in and help him out. I know it was a dumb  stituation and I should have yelled but I didn't. Later that week him and I broke up

Then I found out I was pregnant with dd. I told him and I never mentioned the feelings of the sex being unconsentual to him. I told my mom but she just said that I had two options I could get help or just get over it but she made me tell him. I think I made a huge mistake in doing so. Shortly after I told him we started dating again ( I was very confused.) Then he told me this girl he was dating before me was pregnant and that he was going to start living with her ( I'll call her Steph) . He hid it from me for about a month. Later I found out from him that steph was 13. According to him she lied about her age. He got into a lot of trouble with the law for steph's  age because he was 19 at the time. So after I had dd I got him supervised visitation with DD. Then the steph started to live with my ex's parents and he couldn't see her until she was 18 and had to register as a sex offender.

About 5 yrs ago I started seeing my now DH about a year after my husband and I started dating my ex and steph started being able to see each other again. Shortly after they started contact she left her husband with their two kids and ex's other daughter and moved in with my ex. About a year after that he decided he wanted to be a part of dd's life again. So I let him start with supervised visits after I told dh about the unconsentual sex ( dh did great he told me that he understood but if I wasn't going to press charges there was nothing that could be done really and It's not that I can't still press charges but after 11 years who will believe me now and I really don't want dd involved in that she has aspergers and is going to deal with enough growing up with a disability she doesn't need to find out she was a product of a kind of rape.) He asked if the girls could meet. I allowed it supervised and then offered for the girl to stay at our house for a week. Everything was fine supervised so I allowed unsupervised visits in public places like the mall.

He was doing good with it until his mom got pissy that things were not moving faster and her and his sister started emailing me nasty things that said I should send dd down there once a month and stop freaking out that he's going to kidnap dd. I never was worried about that until they said something. So I discussed it with him and offered for DH to adopt dd and then he could see her whenever like now, not pay child support. The only rule was that DD would not leave the aproved visit location. He agreed after some time thinking about it. Once the adoption was done he kind of disapeared.

Then dd kept asking about seeing her other sister so I contacted him even though the idea just sickened me. He came up took her to the mall for her birthday and asked for her swim meet schedule. I promised him in front of her that I would send it. This was back in Feburary. He didn't say anything after that until last month she asked if I was still going to send it. I told her I would. (for the most part she doesn't bring him up only his other kid. Even then very little just when someone ask her how many siblings she has or what her sister's names are.)  and I did I send the schedule to his mom too just incase she was ready to make peace. I only got an email back from him and he said he wanted to see her on the 15th of July. I informed him the meets last until 11pm and dd doesn't swim until 9pm sometimes. He hasn't responded but I'm sure he will because it's only been a few days.

I want him to fade away but I don't want to hurt dd or at least I don't want it to be my fault that he faded away. Honestly I am starting to have nightmares about him again and those haven't happen in about 5 yrs. I can't stop thinking lately about how band he hurt me and I can't fully forgive him even with help. ( I have tried therapy in the past it doesn't work because no one wants to advice me they just want to listen.) Legally I could ignore him and there is nothing he could do about it now but then his mom is right. I really don't think dd cares about him she even says when I tell her he's coming for a visit, "Is he bringing his other kid too" If I say no or I don't know she says ask him to or do I have to go with him? I try things like he is taking you to the mall she just responds with I only want to see my sister. I thought about inviting his kid to stay another week but last time she was here she was really rude and if she thought something was boring she would tell dd she didn't want to do it because it would ruin her vacation which is the only reason she comes here so she can have a fun weekend and be spoiled for a change. After that comment I felt bad because she thinks that getting to swim in our pool everyday and go to the park or get dd's hand me downs is being spoiled but I also thought it was rude because this isn't why I invite her to spend the week. So I just decided that she wasn't someone I wanted around dd for too long. Plus my ex never contacts dd as it is but he also doesn't ask about his kid is doing while she is here visiting so I just got sick of everything.

What do you all think I should do? Do I ignore him and try to move on with my life or do I try to deal with these issues I have in hopes that dd will be able to have a future relationship with a family I'm not even sure she really cares about or will want to know when the past comes into light like that her BD is a registered sex offender who got another girl pregnant after I told him I was pregnant.

I guess I could build a pole after I get some options. I know some people are thinking be independant and figure this out on your own that's fine and I will end up picking the right choice for me but I need advice in order to do so. I need some suggestions.

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 2, 2013 at 4:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 2, 2013 at 5:04 PM
Bump
askyourmother
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 5:11 PM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't bother with him anymore. He has no legal rights to your daughter and she has been adopted by a real man who is now her real father.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 2, 2013 at 5:28 PM
That's what I was thinking. I was just scared that she'd find out that it was my fault. Thank u for listening and focusing the story on how it has to do with me and my child. Most people focus on him and his live in gf. I know legally he raped her too but after seeing them two together I have realized that they are fine. I need to deal with me and mine.


Quoting askyourmother:

I wouldn't bother with him anymore. He has no legal rights to your daughter and she has been adopted by a real man who is now her real father.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 2, 2013 at 6:31 PM
Should I block his number and email. He knows where I live but I don't think he'd travel 4hrs in hopes of finding us home. He never has any money and I don't think he'd go that far.
Kellyjude1
by Silver Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 6:45 PM
I would not bother with him at all. I would definitely move forward with your husband and family. I cannot ever imagine what you went through and without saying a word to protect your daughter. I feel you went above and beyond all you can do. Clearly your daughter does not seem interested in him, so I would not push it. She knows who he is and in the future when she is older if she wants to see him then I would leave that up to her. Move on with your life and just continue to focus on your daughter. You should not feel that this issues should be dealt with all by you if him or his family wanted to be a part of your daughter's life they would be. Go on with your life and enjoy and cherish these moments with your daughter.
Mcelly
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 6:47 PM
Let him and his other daughter fade away. This is a really F*ed up story. You don't need him or his family around you and your daughter. And you probably are gonna have to tell his family what he did to you, otherwise they might keep on wanting to keep contact. Your daughter will eventually get used to not seeing the other girl. Hugs.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 2, 2013 at 6:54 PM

He can't keep drifting in and out of your dd's life like this.  You are confusing her and causing problems.  Let him go, let the rape go, and end the contact with his family.  It's a slap in the face to your DH, who is now legally your daughter's father.  He's the only father your daughter has ever really known.

My parents adopted me.  After X amount of years if the biological father came around, my parents would have fought tooth and nail to keep him away from me because I am legally theirs.  When your daughter turns 18, if she wishes to be a part of that family, she's more than welcome to.  Until then, your husband is her daddy.  Let the rest fade away.  Block their family, mark your ex's mother's email as spam so that you don't have to see any messages from her, and please let the pain of the past go.  I was also raped, and then weeks later found out I was pregnant with my first child.  I could have spent my entire pregnancy freaking out over whether my child was my rapist's baby, or if he was my husband's child.  Instead, I concentrated on the fact that I was blessed with a baby of my own.

Good luck!

Melissa_4
by Ruby Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 6:57 PM

Change your phone number to an unlisted number, and block his and his family's phone numbers.  IF they send any mail to you, refuse to accept it, mark it return to sender, and put an end to them contacting you.  If it's been 11 years, the statute of limitations is probably up on the rape, so there's not much you can do about it now except move past HOW your child was conceived, and focus on your own family.


Quoting Anonymous:

Should I block his number and email. He knows where I live but I don't think he'd travel 4hrs in hopes of finding us home. He never has any money and I don't think he'd go that far.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jul. 2, 2013 at 7:20 PM

I'd let him fade away on his own.  One day your daughter WILL know the truth about her Bio Dad, whether she asks you or you tell her or she Googles his name.  And she will understand WHY then, that you didn't push to keep her biological father in her life, when she had a DAD who raised her.  I wouldn't do anything drastic, outside of letting him just go by the wayside naturally.  Sounds like he will.  As for her sister, not sure what to tell you tell your daughter, but maybe you can speak to a therapist about that, or come up with something that seems to satisfy her in regards to no longer seeing her.  

I am so sorry that happened to you.  It WAS rape, not a "kind of" rape.  I know that is not what you meant, but I can read your hesitancy.  You were young and you did not give consent.  End of story.  As for the therapists you have spoken to, I think you need to find a more specialized kind of therapist.  One who deals with PTSD (not saying you have that, but it WAS a trauma that still bothers you) or one who deals with rape survivors.  Many therapists ARE just there to listen and validate, and most don't give specific advice and can't tell you how to "get over" something.  They are just providing an outlet for you to vent and be heard.  I think finding someone who deals specifically with your issues and pain, would maybe help more.  You could also look into a rape survivors support group.  I would guess that by connecting with other women who will be able to understand many aspects of how a rape affects you, first hand, might be really therapuetic for you.  You may even meet women who have similar stories and sometimes it helps to hear how others have dealt with their own traumas, problems or issues and helps you not feel as alone.  

I am also glad that you have a supportive husband and that he loves your daughter.  You deserve to be happy and at peace.  Please reach out to another therapist or to a support group.....you deserve to put this behind you, as much as possible.  Take care. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 2, 2013 at 7:23 PM
Dh encouraged my ex to be a part of dds life but for the most part he's just been letting me deal with it like I typically do I don't think it effects dh. The only thing I'm worried about is his grandma. None of his family will believe me because I could have screamed and I didn't. His grandma has been really the only one who has been there for dd all the time. I want to block her from dds life too. It wouldn't be right because she dI'd nothing. I only have a cell phone and email. I don't think he has a phone at all these people are sooo poor they steal internet and Netflix they use Skype as a house phone and he sells plasma to buy diapers for her other kids. Like I said he wouldn't make the drive and I don't know how much effort he'd put into contacting us. If I blocked him and his family (still debating on his grandma.) will he be informed that he's been blocked or will it look like I'm ignoring him. I have gmail. And sprint. I have facebook but its illegal for him to have facebook.


Quoting Anonymous:

He can't keep drifting in and out of your dd's life like this.  You are confusing her and causing problems.  Let him go, let the rape go, and end the contact with his family.  It's a slap in the face to your DH, who is now legally your daughter's father.  He's the only father your daughter has ever really known.

My parents adopted me.  After X amount of years if the biological father came around, my parents would have fought tooth and nail to keep him away from me because I am legally theirs.  When your daughter turns 18, if she wishes to be a part of that family, she's more than welcome to.  Until then, your husband is her daddy.  Let the rest fade away.  Block their family, mark your ex's mother's email as spam so that you don't have to see any messages from her, and please let the pain of the past go.  I was also raped, and then weeks later found out I was pregnant with my first child.  I could have spent my entire pregnancy freaking out over whether my child was my rapist's baby, or if he was my husband's child.  Instead, I concentrated on the fact that I was blessed with a baby of my own.

Good luck!


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