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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Do I really need to see a therapist? Long but please read.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

This is going to be a long post.

I have this one problem it's kind of big but I don't want to see a therapist about it. I just want advice on how to handle it and then move on.

My daughter is 10 years old. When I was 16 I met this guy at a school dace we hit it off pretty well and we dated for 3 Months. I went to his graduation party and I slept in his room with his sister while he slept in the livingroom with his friends. After his parents left in the morning he snuck in the room. I thought we were just going to fool around. when it went further then that and I realized there wasn't a condom I freaked and started to back away he pulled me back and then I shook my head the whole time. I was young and none of his friends liked me so I was scared that if I yelled no they might come in and help him out. I know it was a dumb  stituation and I should have yelled but I didn't. Later that week him and I broke up

Then I found out I was pregnant with dd. I told him and I never mentioned the feelings of the sex being unconsentual to him. I told my mom but she just said that I had two options I could get help or just get over it but she made me tell him. I think I made a huge mistake in doing so. Shortly after I told him we started dating again ( I was very confused.) Then he told me this girl he was dating before me was pregnant and that he was going to start living with her ( I'll call her Steph) . He hid it from me for about a month. Later I found out from him that steph was 13. According to him she lied about her age. He got into a lot of trouble with the law for steph's  age because he was 19 at the time. So after I had dd I got him supervised visitation with DD. Then the steph started to live with my ex's parents and he couldn't see her until she was 18 and had to register as a sex offender.

About 5 yrs ago I started seeing my now DH about a year after my husband and I started dating my ex and steph started being able to see each other again. Shortly after they started contact she left her husband with their two kids and ex's other daughter and moved in with my ex. About a year after that he decided he wanted to be a part of dd's life again. So I let him start with supervised visits after I told dh about the unconsentual sex ( dh did great he told me that he understood but if I wasn't going to press charges there was nothing that could be done really and It's not that I can't still press charges but after 11 years who will believe me now and I really don't want dd involved in that she has aspergers and is going to deal with enough growing up with a disability she doesn't need to find out she was a product of a kind of rape.) He asked if the girls could meet. I allowed it supervised and then offered for the girl to stay at our house for a week. Everything was fine supervised so I allowed unsupervised visits in public places like the mall.

He was doing good with it until his mom got pissy that things were not moving faster and her and his sister started emailing me nasty things that said I should send dd down there once a month and stop freaking out that he's going to kidnap dd. I never was worried about that until they said something. So I discussed it with him and offered for DH to adopt dd and then he could see her whenever like now, not pay child support. The only rule was that DD would not leave the aproved visit location. He agreed after some time thinking about it. Once the adoption was done he kind of disapeared.

Then dd kept asking about seeing her other sister so I contacted him even though the idea just sickened me. He came up took her to the mall for her birthday and asked for her swim meet schedule. I promised him in front of her that I would send it. This was back in Feburary. He didn't say anything after that until last month she asked if I was still going to send it. I told her I would. (for the most part she doesn't bring him up only his other kid. Even then very little just when someone ask her how many siblings she has or what her sister's names are.)  and I did I send the schedule to his mom too just incase she was ready to make peace. I only got an email back from him and he said he wanted to see her on the 15th of July. I informed him the meets last until 11pm and dd doesn't swim until 9pm sometimes. He hasn't responded but I'm sure he will because it's only been a few days.

I want him to fade away but I don't want to hurt dd or at least I don't want it to be my fault that he faded away. Honestly I am starting to have nightmares about him again and those haven't happen in about 5 yrs. I can't stop thinking lately about how band he hurt me and I can't fully forgive him even with help. ( I have tried therapy in the past it doesn't work because no one wants to advice me they just want to listen.) Legally I could ignore him and there is nothing he could do about it now but then his mom is right. I really don't think dd cares about him she even says when I tell her he's coming for a visit, "Is he bringing his other kid too" If I say no or I don't know she says ask him to or do I have to go with him? I try things like he is taking you to the mall she just responds with I only want to see my sister. I thought about inviting his kid to stay another week but last time she was here she was really rude and if she thought something was boring she would tell dd she didn't want to do it because it would ruin her vacation which is the only reason she comes here so she can have a fun weekend and be spoiled for a change. After that comment I felt bad because she thinks that getting to swim in our pool everyday and go to the park or get dd's hand me downs is being spoiled but I also thought it was rude because this isn't why I invite her to spend the week. So I just decided that she wasn't someone I wanted around dd for too long. Plus my ex never contacts dd as it is but he also doesn't ask about his kid is doing while she is here visiting so I just got sick of everything.

What do you all think I should do? Do I ignore him and try to move on with my life or do I try to deal with these issues I have in hopes that dd will be able to have a future relationship with a family I'm not even sure she really cares about or will want to know when the past comes into light like that her BD is a registered sex offender who got another girl pregnant after I told him I was pregnant.

I guess I could build a pole after I get some options. I know some people are thinking be independant and figure this out on your own that's fine and I will end up picking the right choice for me but I need advice in order to do so. I need some suggestions.

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 2, 2013 at 4:18 PM
Replies (11-19):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 2, 2013 at 7:42 PM
I think getting rid of him will be the most effective. When he wasn't seeing dd I was fine. I still had pain but like as bad as I'd say a typical rape victim. U never get over it but you forgive urself. I need find that again.


Quoting Anonymous:

I'd let him fade away on his own.  One day your daughter WILL know the truth about her Bio Dad, whether she asks you or you tell her or she Googles his name.  And she will understand WHY then, that you didn't push to keep her biological father in her life, when she had a DAD who raised her.  I wouldn't do anything drastic, outside of letting him just go by the wayside naturally.  Sounds like he will.  As for her sister, not sure what to tell you tell your daughter, but maybe you can speak to a therapist about that, or come up with something that seems to satisfy her in regards to no longer seeing her.  

I am so sorry that happened to you.  It WAS rape, not a "kind of" rape.  I know that is not what you meant, but I can read your hesitancy.  You were young and you did not give consent.  End of story.  As for the therapists you have spoken to, I think you need to find a more specialized kind of therapist.  One who deals with PTSD (not saying you have that, but it WAS a trauma that still bothers you) or one who deals with rape survivors.  Many therapists ARE just there to listen and validate, and most don't give specific advice and can't tell you how to "get over" something.  They are just providing an outlet for you to vent and be heard.  I think finding someone who deals specifically with your issues and pain, would maybe help more.  You could also look into a rape survivors support group.  I would guess that by connecting with other women who will be able to understand many aspects of how a rape affects you, first hand, might be really therapuetic for you.  You may even meet women who have similar stories and sometimes it helps to hear how others have dealt with their own traumas, problems or issues and helps you not feel as alone.  

I am also glad that you have a supportive husband and that he loves your daughter.  You deserve to be happy and at peace.  Please reach out to another therapist or to a support group.....you deserve to put this behind you, as much as possible.  Take care. 


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 2, 2013 at 8:13 PM
This is also something I wouldn't tell dh that I am doing. I don't think he would totally understand why I'm doing this now. I'm blocking his email tonight. I don't have a number to block from my phone I'm still in a debate about his grandma though.


Quoting Anonymous:

I think getting rid of him will be the most effective. When he wasn't seeing dd I was fine. I still had pain but like as bad as I'd say a typical rape victim. U never get over it but you forgive urself. I need find that again.




Quoting Anonymous:

I'd let him fade away on his own.  One day your daughter WILL know the truth about her Bio Dad, whether she asks you or you tell her or she Googles his name.  And she will understand WHY then, that you didn't push to keep her biological father in her life, when she had a DAD who raised her.  I wouldn't do anything drastic, outside of letting him just go by the wayside naturally.  Sounds like he will.  As for her sister, not sure what to tell you tell your daughter, but maybe you can speak to a therapist about that, or come up with something that seems to satisfy her in regards to no longer seeing her.  

I am so sorry that happened to you.  It WAS rape, not a "kind of" rape.  I know that is not what you meant, but I can read your hesitancy.  You were young and you did not give consent.  End of story.  As for the therapists you have spoken to, I think you need to find a more specialized kind of therapist.  One who deals with PTSD (not saying you have that, but it WAS a trauma that still bothers you) or one who deals with rape survivors.  Many therapists ARE just there to listen and validate, and most don't give specific advice and can't tell you how to "get over" something.  They are just providing an outlet for you to vent and be heard.  I think finding someone who deals specifically with your issues and pain, would maybe help more.  You could also look into a rape survivors support group.  I would guess that by connecting with other women who will be able to understand many aspects of how a rape affects you, first hand, might be really therapuetic for you.  You may even meet women who have similar stories and sometimes it helps to hear how others have dealt with their own traumas, problems or issues and helps you not feel as alone.  

I am also glad that you have a supportive husband and that he loves your daughter.  You deserve to be happy and at peace.  Please reach out to another therapist or to a support group.....you deserve to put this behind you, as much as possible.  Take care. 



Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jul. 2, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Didn't mean to like it...

So he's with the other girls mom, right? In that case, I'd just fade them out. Its a shitty thing but I tell my son I'm not sure where his brother is and I'm not sure how to find out that info... I mean technically, I could. He doesn't live with his mom but with his uncle, who I could attempt to contact through fb, but its just stuff I don't want to deal with right now... Going through enough with his little sister...

Anyways! As for the rape, forgive yourself. Its not your fault that happened. You seem to carry around a lot of guilt with that. Its a long journey, but I think you can get there
bluebunbun
by Gold Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 8:24 PM

dont block him but stop reaching out try to redirect your DD. I wouldn't cut him out cold turkey but I also wouldn't allow him to come with out his other dd that will start to slow down how often he comes....also if that doesn't work I would just fully cut him out. He isn't her dad anymore....

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 2, 2013 at 8:38 PM
He never comes without her. I think he knows she doesn't care about him only her.


Quoting bluebunbun:

dont block him but stop reaching out try to redirect your DD. I wouldn't cut him out cold turkey but I also wouldn't allow him to come with out his other dd that will start to slow down how often he comes....also if that doesn't work I would just fully cut him out. He isn't her dad anymore....


Leigh84
by Silver Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 8:47 PM
Sorry this happened to you. Your DH adopted dd does that mean he signed his rights away? If so I would move on and cut all ties w/his family, change your email if you have to
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:07 PM
I took along walk today and reflected on my life and on dds life. I thought about all that I have ever over come with her by my side. I thought about my learning disability, about the rape, the total betrayal from my ex. I thought about becoming a mom and the joy she has brought me, the strangth she has brought me. Pushed me to finish school pushed me to work with special needs kids so I can understand her better and push her to do her best. I remember the times when I actually prayed CPS would take her away because I thought I alone wasnt good enough. I remember thinking she deserves a 2 parent house hold and I'm selfish for not allowing her that.
Looking back on all of those things I realized that I kept her for me and now I can say I kept her for her. I think my only mistake now if that I tried to push him to be a dad but he didn't want to be. I must be crazy the only loon in the world who would have pushed her rapest to be a father figure. Now I realize by blocking him Im helping her. He hurt me and that hurts her. I promised to protect her when I block him that's exactly what I'm doing.
Only problem is gmail won't let me.....
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:14 PM

This is the reason my daughter will not be spending the night away from home...until she is 30!

Bulldog-Mommy10
by Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:44 PM
Honey, even if she finds out the truth as an adult: this is in no way your fault! You're trying to keep her from a situation that will ultimately hurt her - he's not being a consistent figure in her life. That alone is not good for her, aside from the rest of the story. I think you're feeling unsure about any decision that has to do with him, for obvious reasons - but as long as you're keeping your focus on what's good for her, you will make the right decision. That being said - I'd cut him loose. He willingly gave up parental rights - he makes (and this is putting it mildly) questionable decisions - he's not really acting like a father - she doesn't need that in her life, and neither do you


Quoting Anonymous:

That's what I was thinking. I was just scared that she'd find out that it was my fault. Thank u for listening and focusing the story on how it has to do with me and my child. Most people focus on him and his live in gf. I know legally he raped her too but after seeing them two together I have realized that they are fine. I need to deal with me and mine.




Quoting askyourmother:

I wouldn't bother with him anymore. He has no legal rights to your daughter and she has been adopted by a real man who is now her real father.


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