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Post got me thinking

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies

For those of you that have a over 18 living with you (who is not disabled enough to the point of requiring a legal guardianship) do you still "own" them if you have given them cars, they aren't paying rent, or their phone bills? Do you still look at their phone/computer history if you bought the phone/computer? How loose are your apron strings on somebody who still depends on you for at least 80% of their life?


So the post on the 18yo moving out with her secret boyfrien got me thinking - I have a 21yo living at home. Mentally she's more 17/18 and fortunetely I haven't had to lay down too many rules for her because she refuses to go anywhere she doesn't HAVE to go; but she knows damn well that because she doesn't have a job (mainly because she's studying, and because of some major anxiety issues) and because I supply her every need; that I still technically 'own' her. I give her freedom - she doesn't have to ask to go somewhere or ask to spend the night somewhere, she just has to polietly inform me of what she is doing - but she knows that because I am providing a room for her, her furniture, her clothes, her food free of charge to her (she does get some money from the government for being a dependant student, and SSI for her issues) that she is not 'free' as such. I give her a curfew based on each event that she goes to; I expect certain information out of her, like doctors reports, proof of job applications, etc. Because I have young children (and our walls are paper thin) she has a phone curfew of 8.30 unless she's willing to have her private conversations in the loungeroom (her voice is so damn loud it carries throughout the whole house) and have told her that if she breaks that rule -then the phone will be mine every night until she moves out.  So I was wondering - considering that I am paying for about 80% of her life, she pays for the doctors, her studies, her phone, public transport and gives us about $150 every 2 weeks rent that doens't really pay for squat considering I pay for her food, her electricity, her internet, hot water, gas for car trips, family meals, etc how much do you think I should be giving her freedom wise? She thinks she should be allowed to ban us from her room, have control over the TV whenever she likes, and be able to chat to her friends on the phone at all hours of the night - and not have to do any chores and sleep in till whatever time she likes. (this morning she slept in until almost 10am) What would your rules/consequences be? What should I be demanding from her? She has her permit - she's just being super lazy about getting her hours up as well.

As a side note - she is looking to move out - but I personally do not want her to move out while she is depending on the government and have told her it's her choice - but am considering telling her that if she moves out against my wishes/in a sneaky way she has to do so without any of the things I've ever provided for her. Is this fair?  She has also been advised by other case workers not to move out until she is employed in case her payments stop for some reason. 


Edit: Regarding the "owning" her statement; Another post in the teen group likened the fact that if they were still paying for their legal adult in any sort of way - that they still owned them and could therefore set rules, restrictions, boundaries and threats as to what they did/if they went wrong, and where they went. Hence the wording.

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
B1Bomber
by Platinum Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:36 AM

My able-bodied 21 yo wouldn't be living at home unless also enrolled in school full time.

Hypothetically, though, if I had an adult child living at home (paying rent), I would treat him the same as any other adult living in my home - I would not go in his room without permission, I would expect a certain amount of contribution to household chores, I would not set a wake up time but I would not keep everyone quiet either, and I would expect him to generally keep his noise in line with the household sleep schedule.

almondpigeon
by Ruby Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:36 AM
Is she your daughter? I don't think its bad to have "house" rules (like having a phone restriction), & asking for proof of a job search seems okay....but searching her computer history is crossing the line, IMO. You are doing her a huge favor by letting her live with you, but you don't "own" her.
smurfbitebug
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:39 AM
It is a little disturbing to me that you look at it like owning someone. But as far as rules to follow, you and your husband/SO (if that applies) are the heads of your own household and therefore set the rules for anyone stepping foot into it. So that is what it is.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:42 AM
Our oldest is 21 & we still check on his bank account
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:42 AM
1 mom liked this



Quoting almondpigeon:

Is she your daughter? I don't think its bad to have "house" rules (like having a phone restriction), & asking for proof of a job search seems okay....but searching her computer history is crossing the line, IMO. You are doing her a huge favor by letting her live with you, but you don't "own" her.


Yes she's my daughter - but I do not search her history. That was an example of what other people have done. Personally I believe that because the laptop is in her name and she owns it in full - that she can own the responsiblility if she screws up on it.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:43 AM



Quoting smurfbitebug:

It is a little disturbing to me that you look at it like owning someone. But as far as rules to follow, you and your husband/SO (if that applies) are the heads of your own household and therefore set the rules for anyone stepping foot into it. So that is what it is.

Another post in the teen group likened the fact that if they were still paying for their legal adult in any sort of way - that they still owned them and could therefore set rules, restrictions, boundaries and threats as to what they did, and where they went. Hence the wording.


ajdahd13
by Ruby Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:44 AM

If my child was developed normally and still living with us at 18 or older, no I wouldn't go through her stuff. She's an adult, I don't own her becuase we coexist in the same house. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:44 AM



Quoting Anonymous:

Our oldest is 21 & we still check on his bank account

I don't check her bank account - but I do know her pin number (mainly for her panic attacks for when she needs to buy something but can't leave the house) and I have made her set up a savings account so she can't spend ALL her money


niki_hubbard
by Silver Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:45 AM

Personally, I think you are being controlling. You are treating her like a ten year old, and I do not blame her for moving out. People with special needs are still people. She still wants all of the same things in life as you did at that age, she will just take longer / work harder to have them. 


And moving out in a "sneaky" way, or against your wishes? That statement tells me that you have made your relationship so delicate that she does not feel she can come to you about moving out, and would feel that she has to do it in a "sneaky" way. I was in that position. Years later, my parents feel really crappy for the way THEY made things. They admit they were not the best parents, and my dad has said he doesn't even know how I managed to forgive him. Please realize that your job, now, as the parent of an ADULT is to give her support and freedom. 

You are not being fair.

smurfbitebug
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:46 AM
You may want to make that clear.. you are going to catch some flak for that.

Quoting Anonymous:




Quoting smurfbitebug:

It is a little disturbing to me that you look at it like owning someone. But as far as rules to follow, you and your husband/SO (if that applies) are the heads of your own household and therefore set the rules for anyone stepping foot into it. So that is what it is.

Another post in the teen group likened the fact that if they were still paying for their legal adult in any sort of way - that they still owned them and could therefore set rules, restrictions, boundaries and threats as to what they did, and where they went. Hence the wording.



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