For those of you that have a over 18 living with you (who is not disabled enough to the point of requiring a legal guardianship) do you still "own" them if you have given them cars, they aren't paying rent, or their phone bills? Do you still look at their phone/computer history if you bought the phone/computer? How loose are your apron strings on somebody who still depends on you for at least 80% of their life?
So the post on the 18yo moving out with her secret boyfrien got me thinking - I have a 21yo living at home. Mentally she's more 17/18 and fortunetely I haven't had to lay down too many rules for her because she refuses to go anywhere she doesn't HAVE to go; but she knows damn well that because she doesn't have a job (mainly because she's studying, and because of some major anxiety issues) and because I supply her every need; that I still technically 'own' her. I give her freedom - she doesn't have to ask to go somewhere or ask to spend the night somewhere, she just has to polietly inform me of what she is doing - but she knows that because I am providing a room for her, her furniture, her clothes, her food free of charge to her (she does get some money from the government for being a dependant student, and SSI for her issues) that she is not 'free' as such. I give her a curfew based on each event that she goes to; I expect certain information out of her, like doctors reports, proof of job applications, etc. Because I have young children (and our walls are paper thin) she has a phone curfew of 8.30 unless she's willing to have her private conversations in the loungeroom (her voice is so damn loud it carries throughout the whole house) and have told her that if she breaks that rule -then the phone will be mine every night until she moves out. So I was wondering - considering that I am paying for about 80% of her life, she pays for the doctors, her studies, her phone, public transport and gives us about $150 every 2 weeks rent that doens't really pay for squat considering I pay for her food, her electricity, her internet, hot water, gas for car trips, family meals, etc how much do you think I should be giving her freedom wise? She thinks she should be allowed to ban us from her room, have control over the TV whenever she likes, and be able to chat to her friends on the phone at all hours of the night - and not have to do any chores and sleep in till whatever time she likes. (this morning she slept in until almost 10am) What would your rules/consequences be? What should I be demanding from her? She has her permit - she's just being super lazy about getting her hours up as well.
As a side note - she is looking to move out - but I personally do not want her to move out while she is depending on the government and have told her it's her choice - but am considering telling her that if she moves out against my wishes/in a sneaky way she has to do so without any of the things I've ever provided for her. Is this fair? She has also been advised by other case workers not to move out until she is employed in case her payments stop for some reason.
Edit: Regarding the "owning" her statement; Another post in the teen group likened the fact that if they were still paying for their legal adult in any sort of way - that they still owned them and could therefore set rules, restrictions, boundaries and threats as to what they did/if they went wrong, and where they went. Hence the wording.