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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Lazy husbands. Reason to divorce? (EDITED. I'm in SUCH a funk today! Help!)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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1 mom liked this

Lots to this story, but I'll try hard not to write a book. Here's the jist of it -- my husband works his 40 hours a week, and yes, I appreciate that. What I don't appreciate is the fact that he does absolutely nothing around the house to help. Sure, if I nag him till I'm blue in the face ... he might do the dishes once in a blue moon. He does not cook, he does not clean, he does not take care of his kids. And the kind of lazy that really irritates me is the fact he won't even get up off his ass to walk our daughter down to the bus at 6am in the morning (she's 7!) I'm at work at that time, so it's HIS responsibility and he won't even do that. Nor will he make her breakfast or even brush her hair in the morning and make her look cute. My daughter came to me crying last year because people would make fun of her because her hair was all ratty on a daily basis. You want to talk about heartbreaking! I am at my wits end! The reason I'm even here writing a message is because I've been contemplated divorce for quite some time. Finances is what's stopping me, but like my mother once said several years ago -- once I get my fill, I'll be done and believe me, I'm almost there. I've had enough. What has spawned my anger today is the fact that our lawn is now officially weed zone type long. It's terrible looking. I've asked him at least ten times in the last week to mow it and I've decided to not say a word from this point forward. I'm sure it will be a foot long in no time. Another big kicker is the fact that there is now water flooding into our basement (for about the 6th time this year) and I have cleaned it up every single time (usually with the help of my dad, never my husband). The issue with our basement is that trenches need to be dug around the foundation and it needs to be waterproofed and a drainage system put into place. We both know this and my husband will not even continue a conversation about getting this done. He just tells me he hates this 'stupid fucking house' and we need to sell it (this is after we've just sunk 50K into remodeling it). That same attitude comes out about staining our deck .... staining our HOUSE (that is now basically rotting away because it's wood siding) and other home maintenance projects that a MAN should do. He doesn't want to maintain ANYTHING (including vehicles). He has also not cut any wood in two years for our wood furnace and we're down to one measly little pile of split wood. Anyone who burns wood knows that you need to be cutting year 'round so it's dry by the time you burn it. He cut wood once last winter because we completely ran out and of course, it was freshly cut and wouldn't burn worth a shit. He went to work and left me dealing with this shit wood that smoldered in the furnace and smoked up the entire house all while my kids were shivering because it was 50 degrees in the house. There's also big tree chunks in our front yard from a storm THREE YEARS ago that has yet to get cleaned up. Can you sense my frustration?!?!?!

He likes to give me a guilt trip and say I'm just never happy. He says I should be happy he doesn't cheat one me, gamble, smoke/drink, and the fact he works a full time job. Those things do make me happy; however, am I being unrealistic? Should I just settle and be happy with this? I don't believe this is okay. I work a job also and I am worn out. I am sick of being the man and the woman of the relationship. I want to divorce so bad, but financial matters scare me and of course, the strain it puts on our children. I kick myself every day for marrying this "man". Please tell me, life can be better than this.

And yes, I failed. I guess I wrote a book. Congrats if you made it the end.

_________________________________________________________________

I am in a serious funk today -- more confused than ever. We stayed up until about 4:30 this morning talking. Kids were at the grandparents, so there were lots of tears, lots of screaming, lots of frustration. And on top of all what was said last night into the wee hours of this morning (I had officially been up for 25 1/2 hours straight), he asked me to have sex with him. I was too tired to fight beyond that, but I was so upset about that this morning. Sex is our other HUGE issue. It's all about him. It always has been. I might go into more detail about that later. There's so many issues there. I would say that's where about 95% of my bitterness has originated from and has only gotten worse. ANYHOW, I even read him my message here and everyone's response. He didn't say a word. I felt like last night, I was really on the side of divorce and almost pushing him to just say the word. This morning, the conversation continued and I read more messages and went through a series of more bitterness, wanting a divorce, and then lots of tears. He even asked about specifics if we were to get a divorce (never really talked about before). He made it clear he would provide for his kids financially (in which I do believe him), but the conversation quickly escalated when we talked about money. He wanted to know what I thought was reasonable for child support and all I said was, "I think the courts decide that." He went on to ask why we can't just come to an agreement together. He told me he believed $500 a month was reasonable (for 2 children). I didn't say a word because truthfully, I don't know. My husband grosses $3000 per month (not including any overtime which he gets offered OFTEN, but rarely takes). He was very upset that my idea (if we were to divorce) is to let the courts decide. Beyond that, we started talking about our kids and the possible effects that divorce will have on them. I kept pushing for an answer this morning on what he wanted to do. It's driving me nuts that he cannot give me a clear answer on really anything. He's upset because I want to know now and he says he doesn't know. I guess that's my control freak side coming out. That led me to do several google searches on the "pros and cons of divorce". The more I read aloud (he listened), the more I cried. Obviously more cons than pros. Then the kids came into it and I started reading about the effects on children; although, there's a lot of differing research about it and my kids DO know we fight. It's not healthy. We both know this. It breaks my heart that we have put them through it. Anyhow, somehow in 5 hours of talking, reading, crying ... the tables have turned and now I feel like I'm guilting myself. Is this normal?!? I have been so open and honest about MY problems and expressed my willingness to change. And yes, I have problems too. I am a very bitter, angry, controlling person. I do believe my husband has made me this way. I absolutely don't want to continue on this path. I want to be happy and healthy -- for me, my kids, and my husband (if he will put forth the same amount of effort to change his flaws). I went from praying he would go get divorce papers to actually seriously wanting to try couples therapy. But now that I have a moment to think about what was said, I'm upset that very little of the conversation was about him. I asked him if he thought he had issues he could improve on (I was hoping he would be able to see his anger issues, his constant pittiful woe-is-me attitude, his lack of support for his family, lack of interaction with his children, petty little lies, and his pure laziness). I did sense some genuine sadness when it came to his children and perhaps, that might improve. As far as his laziness, he said, "Well, apparently you think I'm lazy and maybe I've procrastinated some on a few projects around the house, but I honestly don't think I'm lazy." This was after I completely laid all my flaws out there -- every last one of them and that's all I got from him. That does upset me. Why am I guilting myself and why am I walking on egg shells around him now?!? What the hell is wrong with me? I am so confused. There's so many issues going on in our marriage and it's impossible to get it all out. For some reason, I keep wanting to believe it's my fault and I'm supposed to be happy. I don't know if this is manipulation at its finest or what, but I am so damn confused. I do so appreciate everyone's response here though. I cannot respond to everyone, but I am reading every last one of them. I need those outside perspectives because I am having a damn hard time rationalizing right now. PLEASE keep them coming. I need a little support and common sense in my life right now.


Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JulyBabies
by Gold Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:08 PM

Divorce seems extreme but I can imagine it's very frustrating to live like that. I suppose if he makes no effort to change then I can see why a person would consider divorce.

Pink.Sunshine.
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:09 PM
1 mom liked this

sounds like a story I'm familiar with.

Jessy613
by Diamond Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:11 PM
1 mom liked this

I would think about divorce too.

I couldn't stand to be with a man who can't even take care of his own child...and he seriously doesn't walk her to the bus stop? she goes alone?

unreal.

mommatojos
by Bronze Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:11 PM
7 moms liked this

Honey I have been there..Wait I still am

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:14 PM
My husband doesn't do anything around the house AND he doesn't work. I work full time, go to school full time and come home and take care of the house. He plays video games all day and makes dinner. I would divorce him but I don't want to put my son through that.
Pumamama
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:18 PM
1 mom liked this

i feel ya. is he the provider? If that's not a big enough plus, then I'd lose him. It is hard dragging a corpse around.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:20 PM

Seriously? Yours too?! This is not giving me hope. Are there not ANY good men out there any more? I have a terrible habit of comparing my husband to my father. I don't know how I ended up with someone so lazy, irresponsible, and selfish considering I grew up with the perfect example of what a father and husband should be. You'd think I would have specifically looked for that. I actually remember dating and seeing what a slob he was at the time. Not once did it ever register in my brain that I would live with that for a lifetime. What an idiot I am!

OH, I wanted to put this up top too. But here's another part of his laziness -- his health. He's 33 and on all sorts of medication. He actually quit taking them for close to 8 months and his health went completely out of control. His excuse? "I forgot to go to the doctor to get my prescription renewed." That's not forgetfulness. That's LAZY! He has triglycerides in the 2000s!!! His doctor has flat out told him he will be dead by 40 if he doesn't change his ways. Another thing, he just went to the dentist and had 14 cavities! No joke. I don't know how someone can be so irresponsible with their health. I can not spoon feed this man. I can not tell him every night to get up and brush his teeth. I am not his mother. He is a grown man! Twelve years of marriage and the only good things I've gotten out of it are my daughters. That is IT! I am so bitter towards this man. I don't know if it will ever be fixed. God help me. And you too!

Quoting Pink.Sunshine.:

sounds like a story I'm familiar with.



stephyk
by Stephanie on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:22 PM
I would be ready for divorce too. Even if I had to I would go stay with my mom. Sorry you are going through that. Hugs
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:24 PM
2 moms liked this
Nono and no. Dds hair might not be perfect when daddy has to get her ready for school but he would never send his children to school with natty hair. That's just lazy. At first the word divorce sounded extreme but by the time I got to the bottom, good luck hon. That shit would drive me crazy!
Pink.Sunshine.
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:25 PM

I see it all the time in real life, and on here. I really don't know how any woman can deal with that. It's a PITA to have to continually pick up after a grown man. It really is. I hope you can figure out what you want to do in order to be happy.

Quoting Anonymous:

Seriously? Yours too?! This is not giving me hope. Are there not ANY good men out there any more? I have a terrible habit of comparing my husband to my father. I don't know how I ended up with someone so lazy, irresponsible, and selfish considering I grew up with the perfect example of what a father and husband should be. You'd think I would have specifically looked for that. I actually remember dating and seeing what a slob he was at the time. Not once did it ever register in my brain that I would live with that for a lifetime. What an idiot I am!

OH, I wanted to put this up top too. But here's another part of his laziness -- his health. He's 33 and on all sorts of medication. He actually quit taking them for close to 8 months and his health went completely out of control. His excuse? "I forgot to go to the doctor to get my prescription renewed." That's not forgetfulness. That's LAZY! He has triglycerides in the 2000s!!! His doctor has flat out told him he will be dead by 40 if he doesn't change his ways. Another thing, he just went to the dentist and had 14 cavities! No joke. I don't know how someone can be so irresponsible with their health. I can not spoon feed this man. I can not tell him every night to get up and brush his teeth. I am not his mother. He is a grown man! Twelve years of marriage and the only good things I've gotten out of it are my daughters. That is IT! I am so bitter towards this man. I don't know if it will ever be fixed. God help me. And you too!

Quoting Pink.Sunshine.:

sounds like a story I'm familiar with.




   




   




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