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I don't know any good men, how can I raise my adopted son to be one?

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I have never had what you would call "good male role models" in my life.  My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 3 and I didn't see him again until I was almost 13 years old.  Even after that, our relationship was strained, he worked 2 full time jobs and was going to school to get his RN license, so he was never around.  Also, we lived 8 hours away, so we only saw him a week at Easter and a couple of weeks during summer.  I even lived with him for a year when I was 13 and he was never home, and even when he was home he rarely talked to anyone except my step-mother.  Every man I have ever dated has been a jerk, unemployed or cheated on me.  I have a very low opinion of MOST men.  I really don't know any men I would like to be role models for my son, who is 5.  I am worried about him not having any male influence, but I am more worried about him becoming a douchbag like most other men I know.  I haven't dated anyone in nearly 2 years because I am worried about him picking up bad habits from some jerk.  I was thinking about Big Brothers/Big Sisters or something, but I am not sure he is old enough for that. 

Even my Uncles are not role model material.  My half brothers are great, but they both live in other states.   

by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 2:54 AM
Replies (11-14):
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 5, 2013 at 4:53 AM
1 mom liked this

Focus on the positive attributes of individual males...for instance your father focus on work and school to teach your son the importance of hard work and education. 

At his age he will emulate what he hears and sees from real life, tv, games, school/day care.  Encourage him to be his best at what every he does even his Legos.  Do not be negative or condescending towards males as this could cause self-hatred.  Teach him to do all the correct things that you would want or expect from men ie. walking on the curbside of street, holding the door, assisting with putting on and off coat. 

Since he is adopted, reassure him that you are truly blessed and happy to be his mom despite any negativity towards his biological parents and if there is a negativity reinforce that you are truly happy that his parents created him.

Encourage the relationships with your half-brothers with phone calls, letters/drawings etc.

Show him men in action that you think and see positively.

I would also like to encourage that you seek counseling to understand why you have a low opinion of men and have in past selected such men in relationships because you want to teach/show your son a healthy female/woman so he can see and know and a have great /high opinion of women and not just "mom"

As a mom, you can teach respect, good sportsmanship, understanding/compassion, empathy, love etc which all children need and those values will encourage and foster a healthy whole well-rounded child into adulthood.



by Sarah on Jul. 5, 2013 at 5:10 AM

 I would reach out to mentoring agencies etc in your area, be choosy and do research etc, I think its very important...........good luck!

by Ruby Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 9:08 PM

Good for you for recognizing this is a problem and looking for help.  I like the ideas the other members have given you; mentorship, teaching him respect and such. I think it would also be good for him if you started working on your own attitude towards men. 

Work on actually searching out good men in a non romantic way. Change your internal language, don't call men jerks or other male oriented insults. Do research on great men, who achieve great things. Teach your son about men like that. Let him know he can be a great man too.

Good luck. 

by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 9:23 PM
Hey, Momma, don't stress about it. Think about it, if your half brothers were both raised by an absent, uninvolved father and they turned out great, then why can't your son turn out great too? And he is not too young for the big brothers thing. I used to know someone who was a big brother and he said he'd been hanging with his little brother since he was 5iah.
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