As soon as a relationship gets serious I get panicky ( a bit long, but help please)
Please tell me this is not normal because I feel ridiculous
I think ahead to shit that isn't even going to happen, not even good shit, I mean bad shit
I am constantly paranoid
I almost self sabbotage everything and dont realize it until it's too late
I have an SO who knows how to deal with the crazy
He knew my sons father back when we were still together and he heard I used to hit my sons father. So when we started dating I had to let him know he got it mixed up, no my sons father used to kick MY ass, I can't kick his ass unless I can put him out cold with one strike because the losers a professional fighter and a big SOB I can't take down or get a hit in unless I want my ass beat. So hearing that kind of made him understand more.
My therapist has linked that to why I become very submissive. I pent everything up until it builds so much that I dont care about the reaction I give. Hence, with my sons dad he was getting progressively aggressive, so I learned to not stand up for myself. Well...When I finally did speak up to the point where I couldn't hold it in I had to get ready to get my ass kicked. So I was so groomed to that, that I am still doing it. Im better now but it shows.
I get panicky about cheating all of the damn time. Or like I am not good enough. That is pure insecurity. My sons dad is the only man to date aside from my doctor and gynecologist who has seen my belly. Its flabby, loose skin from losing weight too fast, stretchmarks everywhere, my body simply didn't mold to pregnancy well. I don't do make up or try to make up for the fact that my belly is ruined, I simply just don't show it and other than that I am confident with how I look everywhere else.
My SO is gorgeous. He can get any woman he wants and has dipped in the cest pool of hoes many times before he got to me. He also prefers older women most of the time. I am 3 years younger. Every woman he has been with has had a bangin' body. Like they are sexy, dimes, 10's whatever you want to call them
His only words to me on the topic, because I dare not share my insecurity with him is
I just fucked all of those hoes because they were hot and they threw themselves at me, I was young and I had fun. But thats not what I want in a wife, thats what I wanted to stick my dick in for a while. What I want for a wife is someone I can wake up next to and still look the same as when they went to bed, someone who is beautiful and confident with out make up or acting like a hoe to get attention. Someone who is smart, intellegent, decided to go to college instead of live off of a man, someone who would be a good mother. You know, just a real woman. And I waited for you for years to break up with him so I could make my move and here we are.
Well, here we are and my ass is getting panicky again.
HELP!?!? a little?