I feel like wreck. I have to shaved. I feel ugly, I don't even bathe daily anymore. My eyebrows are out of control and I have a forest where my vagina used to be.
My skin is ruined my boobs are saggy, I lost weight but I have stretch marks where I didn't think was possible to get them. I went from a size 5 to a size 16. I feel like my life is over.
I was going to enlist and was talking to recruiter the week before I found out I was pregnant. It all went down the drain. I did accomplish a few things during pregnancy. I got my GED. I got my first job. I learned how to drive... But I don't have my license or even permit so that doesn't really count.
Sometimes I just want to escape. My husband tells me I beautiful but I feel like he's lieing through his teeth. I look a mess and I don't feel like being touched half the time. I feel like a walking corpse.
Sometimes I just let my baby cry and I don't feel like picking him up. I just want to hitch a ride, change my name and start a new life. Without my family, stop eating and become a stripper or hooker while saving money for school without the intention of ever going back. So something that will make me lose all self respect and my family too. Start doing drugs and whore myself out for a modeling contract or idk anything exciting. But no, I'm not going to do that I'm just going to live a boring life as a stay at home mom (something I never thought I'd become) and stare blankly at a wall wishing I did something with my life.
I feel like a terrible mother.
But at the same time I haven't hurt my son. I feed him don't I? I try to make sure he's happy. Already hate myself that I got him circumcised when I said I wasn't going to.
I just don't know what I want. I also started smoking again. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it. Snapping and offing myself and freeing my family of this or saving my son from possibly being hurt from me, the one person who should be protecting him.
I just want to lock myself up before I do something I'm going to regret. Idk where these feelings came from but they just appeared today and they may seem to be getting worst as the day goes on.
I'm just blank and empty and feel like crying and screaming but nothing is coming out. I haven't talked to my husband either and I told him I don't feel good and he thinks I need rest. But I can't sleep with my mind racing a million miles a minute.
My heart racing too. I just want it am to stop and I don't know what to do or where to start...