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Scared and Depressed

Posted by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:57 AM
  • 22 Replies
I'm 24 weeks and very tossed up. I know that I'm going to get criticized for being pregnant. She is going to be my fifth child. 4 out of 5 were birth control babies. This one was a failed tubal. I never intended on having so many children but I love each of them and couldn't imagine my life without them.

My problem isn't that I can't afford a fifth baby. Together our finances are well off enough that money isn't an issue. My issue is just the added stress required to take care of a fifth. I know people do it every day, but to be honest...I'm scared.

My children aren't the "perfect all American" children. My 9 year old is developing behavioral issues. She lies and will tantrum for hours...screaming incessantly. She wasn't always like that. She used to be the sweetest kid (but was always a bit of a liar). I honestly think she is just super stressed being the big sister. She starts therapy the end of the month.

Then I have my 7 year old. She is high functioning autistic. She can be very difficult to manage. Something as simple as telling her it's time to brush her hair can set her off on a record tantrum.

My 5 year old is pretty much the average 5 year old. She was premature so she takes a bit longer to learn things but she doesn't have any behavioral issues.

My 1 year old is pretty much a normal 1 year old. He is developing on track...very loving (a huge mommas boy).

My SO helps when he can but he's out of the house working an average of 12 hours a day M-F and once a month he's gone M-Sun on business. I basically take care of the kids, house, etc myself.

So the idea of adding another baby scares me. I'm stressed more often than not. After a really bad day (multiple major behavior issues from multiple children) I cry because I just keep questioning where I went wrong. Did I do something to make my children so difficult? I read so many parenting books, even took parenting classes, and nothing I do seems to work.

I feel guilty about being pregnant again. I feel guilty about wanting to give her up for adoption. I've been trying so hard during this pregnancy to feel happy, grateful...but I don't. That just makes me feel even more guilty because I know there are so many women out there who would love the ability to get pregnant so easily. I wish I could give them that ability. Why do I deserve 5 children but the women out there who would make wonderful mothers can't even have 1?

My SO doesn't want to give this baby up for adoption. I guess that alone should make me stop thinking about it. I just can't help but wonder if raising her is going to be what's best for her...

Sorry for the long post. I just don't really have anyone I can really talk to that may understand where I'm coming from...
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MeAndTommyLee
by Platinum Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 10:06 AM

Don;t be frightened for being honest with yourself.  You have a lot of responsibility and want the best for all of your children.  Overwhelmed is what you are, and  understandably so.  The fact that your DD will be having therapy for her issues is a step in the positive direction for her and everyone in your family.  All it takes is a string of positives to make those negatives fainter day by day.  It  sounds to me that you really want your new baby and because you are so mindful of limitations, you will make this work.  Only the strong recognize the struggle and overcome it. 

mom2many747
by Momma Duck on Jul. 9, 2013 at 10:17 AM
Thank you for your kind words. I know deep down I can make this work but I've never felt so scared during a pregnancy before. I worry I've reached my limit. What if I don't care for her properly because some of my children require so much attention. What if she grows up feeling unimportant and unloved because she had so much "competition". I know I'll do my best by her, like I do with all of my children, but what if my best isn't good enough.

Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Don;t be frightened for being honest with yourself.  You have a lot of responsibility and want the best for all of your children.  Overwhelmed is what you are, and  understandably so.  The fact that your DD will be having therapy for her issues is a step in the positive direction for her and everyone in your family.  All it takes is a string of positives to make those negatives fainter day by day.  It  sounds to me that you really want your new baby and because you are so mindful of limitations, you will make this work.  Only the strong recognize the struggle and overcome it. 

MeAndTommyLee
by Platinum Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:44 AM

Aww, honey, I have seven children living children (our son James died as an infant).  You have enough love for everyone and just being aware of the awesome financial responsibility of having a large family will set you on a path to provide for them.  Do you have any idea how many momma's don't think like you do, and bring children into the world they can not provide for; and don't even consider a `plan'?  You ARE on the right track.   


Quoting mom2many747:

Thank you for your kind words. I know deep down I can make this work but I've never felt so scared during a pregnancy before. I worry I've reached my limit. What if I don't care for her properly because some of my children require so much attention. What if she grows up feeling unimportant and unloved because she had so much "competition". I know I'll do my best by her, like I do with all of my children, but what if my best isn't good enough.

Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Don;t be frightened for being honest with yourself.  You have a lot of responsibility and want the best for all of your children.  Overwhelmed is what you are, and  understandably so.  The fact that your DD will be having therapy for her issues is a step in the positive direction for her and everyone in your family.  All it takes is a string of positives to make those negatives fainter day by day.  It  sounds to me that you really want your new baby and because you are so mindful of limitations, you will make this work.  Only the strong recognize the struggle and overcome it. 


 

MrsDavidB25
by Stacey on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:57 AM

 I could never give up one of my children. Never. I would have had an abortion if I didn't want to be a parent.

mom2many747
by Momma Duck on Jul. 9, 2013 at 12:03 PM
Although I'm pro choice, abortion is never something that would be my choice.

Quoting MrsDavidB25:

 I could never give up one of my children. Never. I would have had an abortion if I didn't want to be a parent.

Aislin
by Platinum Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 12:05 PM

Aww honey. I agree that you sound overwhelmed and scared. The fact that you are so worried is a sign of what a good mom you are. I don't think adoption is really an option for you so I will save you all the talk about the harsh realities about living without your baby and consequences to everyone in your family. If you still want to hear about it you can always go to the birthmoms group. I won't lie and say it will be easy. Its an adjustment but it can be done. I had many of the same fears before my youngest was born. I was scared I wouldn't be able to give her enough attention while dealing with her autistic brothers. I was terrified. Once she was born everything just kind of fell into place. After a couple of weeks we got a routine going and she is the apple of her brother's eye. You can do this. If you ever need to talk PM me

Quoting mom2many747:

Thank you for your kind words. I know deep down I can make this work but I've never felt so scared during a pregnancy before. I worry I've reached my limit. What if I don't care for her properly because some of my children require so much attention. What if she grows up feeling unimportant and unloved because she had so much "competition". I know I'll do my best by her, like I do with all of my children, but what if my best isn't good enough.

Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Don;t be frightened for being honest with yourself.  You have a lot of responsibility and want the best for all of your children.  Overwhelmed is what you are, and  understandably so.  The fact that your DD will be having therapy for her issues is a step in the positive direction for her and everyone in your family.  All it takes is a string of positives to make those negatives fainter day by day.  It  sounds to me that you really want your new baby and because you are so mindful of limitations, you will make this work.  Only the strong recognize the struggle and overcome it. 


mom2many747
by Momma Duck on Jul. 9, 2013 at 12:07 PM
How do you do it? You must have so much love and patience. Caring for 7 children must be horribly difficult. I'm so stressed just with the knowledge I'll be adding a fifth.

Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Aww, honey, I have seven children living children (our son James died as an infant).  You have enough love for everyone and just being aware of the awesome financial responsibility of having a large family will set you on a path to provide for them.  Do you have any idea how many momma's don't think like you do, and bring children into the world they can not provide for; and don't even consider a `plan'?  You ARE on the right track.   




Quoting mom2many747:

Thank you for your kind words. I know deep down I can make this work but I've never felt so scared during a pregnancy before. I worry I've reached my limit. What if I don't care for her properly because some of my children require so much attention. What if she grows up feeling unimportant and unloved because she had so much "competition". I know I'll do my best by her, like I do with all of my children, but what if my best isn't good enough.


Quoting MeAndTommyLee:


Don;t be frightened for being honest with yourself.  You have a lot of responsibility and want the best for all of your children.  Overwhelmed is what you are, and  understandably so.  The fact that your DD will be having therapy for her issues is a step in the positive direction for her and everyone in your family.  All it takes is a string of positives to make those negatives fainter day by day.  It  sounds to me that you really want your new baby and because you are so mindful of limitations, you will make this work.  Only the strong recognize the struggle and overcome it. 




 

jojo_star
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 12:10 PM

Adoption unfortunately is something you need the fathers consent for. I've never been in that position, adoption would never be an option for me. Like you said, women manage all the time. It'll be hard, and I'm sorry that you feel this way, rather than just joy about being pregnant. I hope you can find peace with this soon!

TattedReader
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 12:10 PM
I couldn't do it. I could never give my baby up. Especially after already having children and knowing the love that comes with them. You need to learn to manage stress. We're all human and are capable of anything if we can get out of our heads long enough. Good luck though...
mom2many747
by Momma Duck on Jul. 9, 2013 at 12:12 PM
It sounds like yours us a similar situation. How long did it take for your boys to adjust to the idea of a new baby? Did they resent you at all? I think my 9 year old resents me because after my tubal I promised there would be no more babies. She feels like I lied to her and she's too young to understand that it wasn't on purpose.

Quoting Aislin:

Aww honey. I agree that you sound overwhelmed and scared. The fact that you are so worried is a sign of what a good mom you are. I don't think adoption is really an option for you so I will save you all the talk about the harsh realities about living without your baby and consequences to everyone in your family. If you still want to hear about it you can always go to the birthmoms group. I won't lie and say it will be easy. Its an adjustment but it can be done. I had many of the same fears before my youngest was born. I was scared I wouldn't be able to give her enough attention while dealing with her autistic brothers. I was terrified. Once she was born everything just kind of fell into place. After a couple of weeks we got a routine going and she is the apple of her brother's eye. You can do this. If you ever need to talk PM me

Quoting mom2many747:

Thank you for your kind words. I know deep down I can make this work but I've never felt so scared during a pregnancy before. I worry I've reached my limit. What if I don't care for her properly because some of my children require so much attention. What if she grows up feeling unimportant and unloved because she had so much "competition". I know I'll do my best by her, like I do with all of my children, but what if my best isn't good enough.



Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Don;t be frightened for being honest with yourself.  You have a lot of responsibility and want the best for all of your children.  Overwhelmed is what you are, and  understandably so.  The fact that your DD will be having therapy for her issues is a step in the positive direction for her and everyone in your family.  All it takes is a string of positives to make those negatives fainter day by day.  It  sounds to me that you really want your new baby and because you are so mindful of limitations, you will make this work.  Only the strong recognize the struggle and overcome it. 


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