My problem isn't that I can't afford a fifth baby. Together our finances are well off enough that money isn't an issue. My issue is just the added stress required to take care of a fifth. I know people do it every day, but to be honest...I'm scared.
My children aren't the "perfect all American" children. My 9 year old is developing behavioral issues. She lies and will tantrum for hours...screaming incessantly. She wasn't always like that. She used to be the sweetest kid (but was always a bit of a liar). I honestly think she is just super stressed being the big sister. She starts therapy the end of the month.
Then I have my 7 year old. She is high functioning autistic. She can be very difficult to manage. Something as simple as telling her it's time to brush her hair can set her off on a record tantrum.
My 5 year old is pretty much the average 5 year old. She was premature so she takes a bit longer to learn things but she doesn't have any behavioral issues.
My 1 year old is pretty much a normal 1 year old. He is developing on track...very loving (a huge mommas boy).
My SO helps when he can but he's out of the house working an average of 12 hours a day M-F and once a month he's gone M-Sun on business. I basically take care of the kids, house, etc myself.
So the idea of adding another baby scares me. I'm stressed more often than not. After a really bad day (multiple major behavior issues from multiple children) I cry because I just keep questioning where I went wrong. Did I do something to make my children so difficult? I read so many parenting books, even took parenting classes, and nothing I do seems to work.
I feel guilty about being pregnant again. I feel guilty about wanting to give her up for adoption. I've been trying so hard during this pregnancy to feel happy, grateful...but I don't. That just makes me feel even more guilty because I know there are so many women out there who would love the ability to get pregnant so easily. I wish I could give them that ability. Why do I deserve 5 children but the women out there who would make wonderful mothers can't even have 1?
My SO doesn't want to give this baby up for adoption. I guess that alone should make me stop thinking about it. I just can't help but wonder if raising her is going to be what's best for her...
Sorry for the long post. I just don't really have anyone I can really talk to that may understand where I'm coming from...