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being a stay at home mom is not a real job. :( need encouragement! UPDATE #2

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I AM A SAHM. my dh just told me it's not a real job. he told me how easy it would be. i do nothing. watching a baby all day is easy. shes 16 months. i wouldnt say its easy, maybe im not doing the most difficult job ob the planet. but easy? not to mention, i do clean. i clean all 3 of our laundry, fold, and put away. i usually do dishes. the only things dh has ever helped with is dishes, vacuum, and uhmmmm. yeah. hes throws his clothes everywhere, kitchen and living room. bathroom, bedroom.

what really offended me is that i was just nicely telling him i would love him to just give me more encouragement. if he wants the house CLEANER it would help me to get a little praise every once in a while. i have no friends and im still breastfeeding and im hardly apart from dd except for 4-6 hours a week at school, 2 days a week, 2-3 each of those 2 days. so i told him a little praise or whatever would be nice since i am exhausted and its hard sometimes to get goin and he gets all rollin his eyes irritated and tells me i dont even do anything. i argued with him, look at this house! hes like yeah its clean today but its usually not. hes says that every day! fact is, when its not clean one day i guess to him one dirty day is 2 years and 1 clean day is 2 minutes. he says being a "mom" isnt even a real job. cleaning is womens work, he should never have to help me and he never watches the baby. ever. i am exhausted.
fact is leaving the house dirty helps nothing. i dont wanna live in a messy house. just to have him bash on me more. i dont know what to do. he gets really worked up and angry, telling me how hard he works. and i dont do anything compared to him so i should get everything done that there is to do cuz even that isnt a real job.

this is a quote "a mom isnt even a real person they dont even live in the real world." omg. can i say, seriously hurt. a real person? why get so worked up when i asked nicely for him to notice my work more. well i guess the answer to that is, it isnt even work! so why notice. im so offended. i walked out and cried in the other room. hes the only freaking person i have and he thinks nothing of me. i work so hard to be a good mother. ugh

Thank you ladies for all your words! advice, and even the bashing, helps get my mind off things. exhausted today so i might be overly emotional lol blehhhh. gonna go sleep on the couch tonight. cuz i know dh hates it! haha!

SO I TALKED TO DH THIS EVENING. he is messed up. theres so much more to him than just, oh no theres a toy in my walkway.

he NEEDS counseling. but i know he wont do it.
im 19, he is also 19(explains alot, huh) we have been married 17 1/2 months. dd is 16 1/ the math, i was 8 months pregnant at our lovely wedding. and 18 too! weve been together about 5 years. he was absolutely in love with me! crazy in love! i thought he was a freak. anyways, 3 years into our relationship, 3 1/2 actually, we had sex for the first time. the 5th time, i conceived dd, very accidentally. it was a horrible time. little 17 year olds. we were such children! (yeah i know, im only 19) but i feel so old now. no friends. i havent been separated from dd for more than 3 hours since shes been born, and that was hardly at all. so yeah i lost myself. dh feels like all his dreams were crushed. he didnt want kids til maybe 30. to this day he feels like his whole life was ruined. he says he loves dd, but wishes she would have come wayyyy later. which i understand.
we planned on getting married before we had sex. so it was an easy decision to get married already. we truely loved eachother, still do. he says he feels neglected, cuz now dd is my friend instead of him. of course i told him thats not true, and that its such a common thing for men to feel! i explained that we needed to work on our relationship more.
anyways, he was especially down during our convo and basically told me nothing could make him happy. that life is ruined cuz he had a baby and didnt get to fulfill his life long dream to join the marines. my heart was breaking.
sorry, so long.
we talked for hours, there were moments i was holding back tears, moments being like the whole damn time! lol
it was a MIRACLE i got him to talk at all. you have no idea.
BY THE END of the convo it was getting better.
so i gave him a metaphor:
i am a car who needs fuel. that fuel i need is something only you can give me, and its love. the more love you give me, the cleaner the house will be.
this has proven true! its like a boost of energy knowing that he loves me and im actually worth something to him. when he cuts me down. i feel like im dragging all day. my best friend/dh thinks im trash, couldnt care less about me! it repeats in my head all day! what motivation!
well i think he got the point. he was very loving. ALMOST like old times i suppose. we also had really amazing sex i mean i had an orgasm and thats like only the 6th time thats happened during sex! sorry tmi! i love when we can talk things out, it draws us closer.

btw, the physical abuse thing, i dont think he physically abuses me. i think he honestly believes it doesnt hurt, and if it does it shouldnt cuz i should be "tough". me acting like it hurt, makes him angry "i hit my sister like that all the time and she doesnt think it hurts!" (shes is 2 or 3 times my size, im the freakishly skinny anon mom from another post a few days ago lol)
his dad was also a marine and was a freakish father when his children were young. you know, not aloud to cry, have feelings, be tough etc.
so well see. marriage is work. im just hoping dh will realize that, because so far im the only one putting in any work for it!

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:53 PM
Replies (31-40):
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:10 AM

I am a sahm to a 13, 12, 5, 4, and 20 month old.  It's a job alright, a job that doesn't end at a certain time.  It may not be the hardest job but it's the most important job.

Tell your DH how you feel.  If he continues to be a dick make an extreme move.  Don't do anything for a few days and show him how much you really do.  Once he sees the house is falling apart maybe then he will open his eyes.

by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:10 AM
Uhh, yeah, he needs to quit acting like such an ass. Tell him he's 'dismissed', :) He knows he couldn't handle doing what you do, in 1 day.
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by Anonymous 6 on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:10 AM

Ok...time to leave the baby with him for a week. See how he views it after that. Go visit your mother while he takes vacation to take care of your non-job.

by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:11 AM

You married a misogynistic prick... pretty sure there were signs before this... either go into couple's counseling and get him to adjust his attitude or deal with it only getting worse. 

by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:12 AM
It isn't a job it is a lifestyle choice that many of us mothers make. Maybe to him what you do does not seem difficult. Does he have a demanding job to where being at home sounds easy?

You both should appreciate each other for the contributions in your family.
by Anonymous 6 on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:12 AM

Oh, and congratulate him on figuring out a way to make a thankless job....more thankless!

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:13 AM
he is very sexist. i didnt realize this til after we were married.
i was a very confident person, not a pushover at all! but all he thinks about is the physical. what are you gonna do about it? sort of mindset. jeeze that makes him sound even worse. if i start to mess with him he will hit me. he acts like hes joking but it hurts. i tell him it hurts. he tells me that it doesnt. and if i dont wanna be hit then stop whatever it was i was doing that annoued him at the time. its very constant.

Quoting areyouatroll:

Ya great example for your child. Sexist dad and pushover mom
by Ruby Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:13 AM
I'd hit his ass right upside the head with a pan. Then I'd go on strike.
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:13 AM

Fuck him. Its not a "real job" cause it doesnt pay, but it is a lot of work! I'd leave a man if thats how he talked to me. NO man is going to tell me I'm not a real person, or criticize me for raising a child. I'm a workign mom, but ive stayed at home too. What you allow, is what will continue to happen. Make him show some respect or leave. End of sory. No idea why women put up with men like that. No idea at all.

by Sarah on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:13 AM

 when he comes home on friday leave for the weekend and let him have your child on his own, see how he feels about it then, he probably couldnt last a few hours

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