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being a stay at home mom is not a real job. :( need encouragement! UPDATE #2

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I AM A SAHM. my dh just told me it's not a real job. he told me how easy it would be. i do nothing. watching a baby all day is easy. shes 16 months. i wouldnt say its easy, maybe im not doing the most difficult job ob the planet. but easy? not to mention, i do clean. i clean all 3 of our laundry, fold, and put away. i usually do dishes. the only things dh has ever helped with is dishes, vacuum, and uhmmmm. yeah. hes throws his clothes everywhere, kitchen and living room. bathroom, bedroom.

what really offended me is that i was just nicely telling him i would love him to just give me more encouragement. if he wants the house CLEANER it would help me to get a little praise every once in a while. i have no friends and im still breastfeeding and im hardly apart from dd except for 4-6 hours a week at school, 2 days a week, 2-3 each of those 2 days. so i told him a little praise or whatever would be nice since i am exhausted and its hard sometimes to get goin and he gets all rollin his eyes irritated and tells me i dont even do anything. i argued with him, look at this house! hes like yeah its clean today but its usually not. hes says that every day! fact is, when its not clean one day i guess to him one dirty day is 2 years and 1 clean day is 2 minutes. he says being a "mom" isnt even a real job. cleaning is womens work, he should never have to help me and he never watches the baby. ever. i am exhausted.
fact is leaving the house dirty helps nothing. i dont wanna live in a messy house. just to have him bash on me more. i dont know what to do. he gets really worked up and angry, telling me how hard he works. and i dont do anything compared to him so i should get everything done that there is to do cuz even that isnt a real job.

this is a quote "a mom isnt even a real person they dont even live in the real world." omg. can i say, seriously hurt. a real person? why get so worked up when i asked nicely for him to notice my work more. well i guess the answer to that is, it isnt even work! so why notice. im so offended. i walked out and cried in the other room. hes the only freaking person i have and he thinks nothing of me. i work so hard to be a good mother. ugh

Thank you ladies for all your words! advice, and even the bashing, helps get my mind off things. exhausted today so i might be overly emotional lol blehhhh. gonna go sleep on the couch tonight. cuz i know dh hates it! haha!

SO I TALKED TO DH THIS EVENING. he is messed up. theres so much more to him than just, oh no theres a toy in my walkway.

he NEEDS counseling. but i know he wont do it.
im 19, he is also 19(explains alot, huh) we have been married 17 1/2 months. dd is 16 1/ the math, i was 8 months pregnant at our lovely wedding. and 18 too! weve been together about 5 years. he was absolutely in love with me! crazy in love! i thought he was a freak. anyways, 3 years into our relationship, 3 1/2 actually, we had sex for the first time. the 5th time, i conceived dd, very accidentally. it was a horrible time. little 17 year olds. we were such children! (yeah i know, im only 19) but i feel so old now. no friends. i havent been separated from dd for more than 3 hours since shes been born, and that was hardly at all. so yeah i lost myself. dh feels like all his dreams were crushed. he didnt want kids til maybe 30. to this day he feels like his whole life was ruined. he says he loves dd, but wishes she would have come wayyyy later. which i understand.
we planned on getting married before we had sex. so it was an easy decision to get married already. we truely loved eachother, still do. he says he feels neglected, cuz now dd is my friend instead of him. of course i told him thats not true, and that its such a common thing for men to feel! i explained that we needed to work on our relationship more.
anyways, he was especially down during our convo and basically told me nothing could make him happy. that life is ruined cuz he had a baby and didnt get to fulfill his life long dream to join the marines. my heart was breaking.
sorry, so long.
we talked for hours, there were moments i was holding back tears, moments being like the whole damn time! lol
it was a MIRACLE i got him to talk at all. you have no idea.
BY THE END of the convo it was getting better.
so i gave him a metaphor:
i am a car who needs fuel. that fuel i need is something only you can give me, and its love. the more love you give me, the cleaner the house will be.
this has proven true! its like a boost of energy knowing that he loves me and im actually worth something to him. when he cuts me down. i feel like im dragging all day. my best friend/dh thinks im trash, couldnt care less about me! it repeats in my head all day! what motivation!
well i think he got the point. he was very loving. ALMOST like old times i suppose. we also had really amazing sex i mean i had an orgasm and thats like only the 6th time thats happened during sex! sorry tmi! i love when we can talk things out, it draws us closer.

btw, the physical abuse thing, i dont think he physically abuses me. i think he honestly believes it doesnt hurt, and if it does it shouldnt cuz i should be "tough". me acting like it hurt, makes him angry "i hit my sister like that all the time and she doesnt think it hurts!" (shes is 2 or 3 times my size, im the freakishly skinny anon mom from another post a few days ago lol)
his dad was also a marine and was a freakish father when his children were young. you know, not aloud to cry, have feelings, be tough etc.
so well see. marriage is work. im just hoping dh will realize that, because so far im the only one putting in any work for it!

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:53 PM
Replies (371-374):
by on Jul. 11, 2013 at 1:10 PM

There is a paradox in what he is saying... If it's not hard or work at all then why does he complain about doing it?

by on Jul. 11, 2013 at 1:43 PM
I'm 20 yrs old I am almost in that exact same situation. I love him, I would do anything for him and he has also said the same thing to me about sahm is not a job. He has only donw dishe a handful of times and vaccum too. Takes the trash and keeps the cars up to date.

When I was talking to him.. ( there was a point like yours when he actually opened up) he said " being a father this young made me understand why so many teen dad walk away, there was a point where I wanted to walk away but my parents and church would look down on me and I didn't want that" he said that he was exauhsted and overwhelmed that at this age ( 19 at the time, I was 17) he has to have a ful time job, ful time school see his some help at the house and keep me happy. I was a sahm mom for a yr and s half. I hated it to be honest. I hated being alone all hours of the day not talking to someone and having a little baby depend on me. I went through post partum depression. But working helped me out a lot . All I needed was to express myself and have/ feel some sort of independence. I'm not telling you to do the same, I'm just saying it worked for me.

Now we are having baby number two. He seems to be going back to his old self. Now that I am not working things seem to have gone down hill but its just for a while. I love him, he sais and shows he loves me but it wasn't until he actually opened up that our relationship started getting better.

Since you have him to always talk to and open up to, he also needs to find someone. It may not be you but once he gets his feelings out and expressing himself in a healthy way maybe you guys relationship will be in a better place

Pm me if you would like, seems like when have things in common.
by Nobi ❤️ on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:20 PM

Not everyone has a work environment that is like this. Before I had children I did not have a work environment that was this stressful and cutthroat. For those that do work like this I would suggest getting a new job or starting a business. No amount of money is worth your sanity in my opinion. 

Quoting Whovian82:

Out of you have the deadlines, the boss breathing down your neck, the threat of being fired and losing your financial lively hood?  Are you sayng out of an 8 hour do not take an hour spread out for yourself.  Whether it is sitting briefly, eat lunch etc?  

Quoting Qmama206:

I think he is being insensitive. I am a SAHM myself and I can get tough especially when you don't have a solid group of friends and you hardly get time away from your kid. He gets a breaks at work then comes home to have everything done for him. I hate men that think they work more just cause they get a paycheck. 

by Gold Member on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:37 PM
Dreams don't just die and life doesn't end at kids. It starts. I didn't have any ambition in life until I had my first ds now i have goals and dreams. I hope your Dh figures that out. N if he wants to be a marine so bad what is stopping him. Can y'all talk about that? How do you feel about it?
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