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being a stay at home mom is not a real job. :( need encouragement! UPDATE #2

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I AM A SAHM. my dh just told me it's not a real job. he told me how easy it would be. i do nothing. watching a baby all day is easy. shes 16 months. i wouldnt say its easy, maybe im not doing the most difficult job ob the planet. but easy? not to mention, i do clean. i clean all 3 of our laundry, fold, and put away. i usually do dishes. the only things dh has ever helped with is dishes, vacuum, and uhmmmm. yeah. hes throws his clothes everywhere, kitchen and living room. bathroom, bedroom.

what really offended me is that i was just nicely telling him i would love him to just give me more encouragement. if he wants the house CLEANER it would help me to get a little praise every once in a while. i have no friends and im still breastfeeding and im hardly apart from dd except for 4-6 hours a week at school, 2 days a week, 2-3 each of those 2 days. so i told him a little praise or whatever would be nice since i am exhausted and its hard sometimes to get goin and he gets all rollin his eyes irritated and tells me i dont even do anything. i argued with him, look at this house! hes like yeah its clean today but its usually not. hes says that every day! fact is, when its not clean one day i guess to him one dirty day is 2 years and 1 clean day is 2 minutes. he says being a "mom" isnt even a real job. cleaning is womens work, he should never have to help me and he never watches the baby. ever. i am exhausted.
fact is leaving the house dirty helps nothing. i dont wanna live in a messy house. just to have him bash on me more. i dont know what to do. he gets really worked up and angry, telling me how hard he works. and i dont do anything compared to him so i should get everything done that there is to do cuz even that isnt a real job.

this is a quote "a mom isnt even a real person they dont even live in the real world." omg. can i say, seriously hurt. a real person? why get so worked up when i asked nicely for him to notice my work more. well i guess the answer to that is, it isnt even work! so why notice. im so offended. i walked out and cried in the other room. hes the only freaking person i have and he thinks nothing of me. i work so hard to be a good mother. ugh

Thank you ladies for all your words! advice, and even the bashing, helps get my mind off things. exhausted today so i might be overly emotional lol blehhhh. gonna go sleep on the couch tonight. cuz i know dh hates it! haha!

***
SO I TALKED TO DH THIS EVENING. he is messed up. theres so much more to him than just, oh no theres a toy in my walkway.

he NEEDS counseling. but i know he wont do it.
LET ME GIVE A BACKSTORY...UGH
im 19, he is also 19(explains alot, huh) we have been married 17 1/2 months. dd is 16 1/2..do the math, i was 8 months pregnant at our lovely wedding. and 18 too! weve been together about 5 years. he was absolutely in love with me! crazy in love! i thought he was a freak. anyways, 3 years into our relationship, 3 1/2 actually, we had sex for the first time. the 5th time, i conceived dd, very accidentally. it was a horrible time. little 17 year olds. we were such children! (yeah i know, im only 19) but i feel so old now. no friends. i havent been separated from dd for more than 3 hours since shes been born, and that was hardly at all. so yeah i lost myself. dh feels like all his dreams were crushed. he didnt want kids til maybe 30. to this day he feels like his whole life was ruined. he says he loves dd, but wishes she would have come wayyyy later. which i understand.
we planned on getting married before we had sex. so it was an easy decision to get married already. we truely loved eachother, still do. he says he feels neglected, cuz now dd is my friend instead of him. of course i told him thats not true, and that its such a common thing for men to feel! i explained that we needed to work on our relationship more.
anyways, he was especially down during our convo and basically told me nothing could make him happy. that life is ruined cuz he had a baby and didnt get to fulfill his life long dream to join the marines. my heart was breaking.
sorry, so long.
we talked for hours, there were moments i was holding back tears, moments being like the whole damn time! lol
it was a MIRACLE i got him to talk at all. you have no idea.
BY THE END of the convo it was getting better.
so i gave him a metaphor:
i am a car who needs fuel. that fuel i need is something only you can give me, and its love. the more love you give me, the cleaner the house will be.
this has proven true! its like a boost of energy knowing that he loves me and im actually worth something to him. when he cuts me down. i feel like im dragging all day. my best friend/dh thinks im trash, couldnt care less about me! it repeats in my head all day! what motivation!
well i think he got the point. he was very loving. ALMOST like old times i suppose. we also had really amazing sex i mean i had an orgasm and thats like only the 6th time thats happened during sex! sorry tmi! i love when we can talk things out, it draws us closer.

btw, the physical abuse thing, i dont think he physically abuses me. i think he honestly believes it doesnt hurt, and if it does it shouldnt cuz i should be "tough". me acting like it hurt, makes him angry "i hit my sister like that all the time and she doesnt think it hurts!" (shes is 2 or 3 times my size, im the freakishly skinny anon mom from another post a few days ago lol)
his dad was also a marine and was a freakish father when his children were young. you know, not aloud to cry, have feelings, be tough etc.
so well see. marriage is work. im just hoping dh will realize that, because so far im the only one putting in any work for it!

BTW, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MY POST GOT THIS MANY REPLIES. CRAZY. THANKS FOR THE ENCOIRAGEMENT LADIES, HONESTLY HAS BEEN HELPFUL!
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:53 PM
Replies (41-50):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:14 AM
1 mom liked this

Sorry to hear that. I have 4 kids and a 5th on the way. During the summer my 9 year old has been a good helper. Dh give our 9year old an allowance and tells him it is the same as having a job. So i asked him where my pay was then since I am the one doing all the cooking, most of the cleaning, yardwork, and taking care of the kids. He just laughed and said I don't do hardly anything so why shoud he pay me. So I quit for a week and actually did nothing except cook and take care of the kids. He even took a day off from work to help out around the house because he thought I was really sick. He did all of the laundry, swept, vacuumed and mopped, cleaned the two bathrooms and helped each of the kids clean their rooms. He still got paid though because he took a personal day off from work to help out. After that day he has never said that I don't do anything anymore.

I don't just have the inside of the house to keep up to my husbands standards but the outside as well. I have to do the weeding of the landscaping all around the house, weed eating and mow the yard. I do that once a week and it takes anywhere from 2 to 3 hours. He gets pretty upset if it is not done even if the weather has been too wet to get out there and do it. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:14 AM
1 mom liked this

His house, his rules. 

Once you get a job and get out there and earn a living, then you can have a say. Until then, make sure the house is clean and dinner is cooked and everything i don the way he expects them to be done.

jamamama00
by Ruby Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:15 AM
Don't put up with that shit! When Friday rolls around (or whenever he has a few days off) have your bags packed and head off for a girls weekend. Tell him you were sure he wouldn't mind watching the baby, since it is so easy and all. And gently inform him that you expect the house clean upon your return.
jamamama00
by Ruby Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:16 AM
Yeah except it isn't his house at all. They are married. Derp.


Quoting Anonymous:

His house, his rules. 

Once you get a job and get out there and earn a living, then you can have a say. Until then, make sure the house is clean and dinner is cooked and everything i don the way he expects them to be done.


Matthea
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:16 AM
1 mom liked this

Of course it's not a 'real' job.  You get paid for real jobs.  That twerp should be bloody grateful for all the work you do without even collecting a paycheck!!

This sounds like a scenario soooo begging for a 'life swap'-type experiment, where he has to take care of the kids alone for say 2 weeks, to see what it's REALLY like (a couple of hours is no measure, anyone can bear that).

You really sound like you need someone 'on your side' to talk to about this, have you tried contacting local services for counselling or something?  Most areas will have somewhere you can go for free, just to talk to someone (or a phone service at free or low cost), it's a bit different from the kind of support you can get through text like here.

Good luck hun, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job under pressure hugs

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:16 AM
i do appreciate him, i tell him all the time. he works 40 hours a week. 8 hours a day, weekdays. he works shipping and recieving for a mold factory, but its not an easy job. he tells me all the stuff he does, i know its hard! but thats the kind of work jes good at, physical work. he thinks he could do my job,says the house would be cleaner, but admits that all he would do is lock the baby in her room. and i know he wouldnt clean. he doesnt even know how to clean.

Quoting FL2AK:

It isn't a job it is a lifestyle choice that many of us mothers make. Maybe to him what you do does not seem difficult. Does he have a demanding job to where being at home sounds easy?



You both should appreciate each other for the contributions in your family.
MicheleJM
by Phoenix on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:17 AM

I swear this was true the first time I ever heard it but after the thousandth...it's like a dead horse.  The last perfect man lived 2000 years ago...we aren't going to find another.  Seriously you can't post about a problem with your SO or dh without someone saying you picked him.  One isn't going to see every future problem in life from dating and not everything gets discussed before marriage...otherwise no one would ever get married in the first place.  Yep some women make lousy choices.  Some make the same stupid choices over and over and they should be made aware of this.  I ignored red flags myself with my ex...but sheesh wth good does saying this do to anyone but the one saying it?


Quoting Anonymous:

You picked him.



jamamama00
by Ruby Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:18 AM
2 moms liked this
Wait...he hits you?! Holy shit. Please don't have any more children with this loser.


Quoting Anonymous:

he is very sexist. i didnt realize this til after we were married.

i was a very confident person, not a pushover at all! but all he thinks about is the physical. what are you gonna do about it? sort of mindset. jeeze that makes him sound even worse. if i start to mess with him he will hit me. he acts like hes joking but it hurts. i tell him it hurts. he tells me that it doesnt. and if i dont wanna be hit then stop whatever it was i was doing that annoued him at the time. its very constant.



Quoting areyouatroll:

Ya great example for your child. Sexist dad and pushover mom

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:19 AM
yeah except we are living in a two bedroom apartment that my dad happens to own, and doesnt even charge us rent! we only pay utilities!

Quoting jamamama00:

Yeah except it isn't his house at all. They are married. Derp.




Quoting Anonymous:

His house, his rules. 

Once you get a job and get out there and earn a living, then you can have a say. Until then, make sure the house is clean and dinner is cooked and everything i don the way he expects them to be done.


Momof3smoochies
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:19 AM
I've been a sahm for 8 years. At first I would get upset too. But now I don't need his encouragement. I do what I do cause I need to for my children. Soon uou will too. In the mean time try not to let it get to you.
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