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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I dont know where to turn anymore.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 41 Replies
I am depressed, like deep don't even want to take care of my basic needs, world is better with out me, gonna die alone depressed.

I don't know why or where it started. everyone says to see a therapist but I cant since I am under insured and I.refuse to go to group therapy. I.hate people and live in a small town. shit will get out.

and on top of all of that don't you have to know where something is broken to fix.it? i dont have the slightest idea where to even begin to look. I have never felt loved, not even by my parents. my brother was more important. to my mom and drugs were more important to my dad, when he stopped doing drugs it was his girlfriends kids. my grandma was clueless and touthought that food made everything better, I weighed 150lbs by the time I was 8, 200lbs by 12, by the time I was old enough to do anything I hated myself enough to not care weighing 350 pounds when I graduated high school. now at 25 I can't seem to lose the weight because I know I'll.still be disgusting from being so fat so whats the point. I got bullied at school, I got bullied at home, if I cried I got called a pussy and told to grow up. I was cutting myself by 13 and by 17 I had attempted suicide 4 times.

I met my sons dad when I was 15. he was overweight too and picked on just as much as I was. he was the only person to call me beautiful until I.was 25. I was a freshman and he was a senior and I had a huge crush on him. he graduated and I didn't see him for 3 years, then I met his sister and things fell into place. I was his first every thing, and within 2 months I was pregnant. the relationship fell apart. my son was nine months when I moved back in with my mom... I slept for 12-16 hours at a time and let her take care of my son. I worked because I had to... but I got fired for having a meltdown on the sales floor. I try to be a good mom, he is 6 now. but everything is falling apart again. Im lonely... I have one friend. one. and she never has time for me anymore... to her I am selfish and bitter, but what she doesn't see is that I am jealous of her. she has not one, not two, but three men other than her dh vying for her affection, 4 beautiful daughters, and family that sticks up.for her and supports her.

I was starting to get better until I was raped in 2009. then it all fell apart again. I feel like if I tell anyone that because of how fat and ugly I am that people will just say I made it up. im not some poor.poor pretty girl who got taken advantage of, im just a fat sloppy whore.

I told my mom about it and that is what she said pretty much... only pretty girls get raped. im just a whore who regretted the sex...

I know that most of this wont make sense and that most probably won't read it anyway, no one reads my posts. but its 3:30 am and I have spent most of the night awake and crying as I feel so shitty about everything... I don't know who to talk to anymore... my life has been shit since the day it started...
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mz_erica03
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:44 AM
Is there some kind of hotline you can call? Someone you can talk to that doesn't live in your small town?

I would get help that way. As far as losing weight, it's not going to happen overnight. You have to take baby steps.

Hugs.
KelticLady
by Bronze Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:44 AM
1 mom liked this
My heart breaks reading your story. I wish I could say or do something to help in some small way. You are so important to your little man. Just take things one minute at a time right now. Many many hugs to you!
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invisibleme
by Platinum Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:45 AM
1 mom liked this
*Hugs* I'm sorry you are struggling so badly. The starting point is the hardest thing to do. Force yourself to do the most basic things and try to find things that make you feel better about you. Little things turn into big things. You are a beautiful woman with a child take strength from the future you want your child to have.
Lovemyshadows
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:48 AM

Go to therapy.  Who cares who knows.  I see my psychiatrist every 3 months.  I take meds for my depression.  Nobody cares.   

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:50 AM
Iccan't afford it and my insurance doesn't cover it. thats where my problem falls

Quoting Lovemyshadows:

Go to therapy.  Who cares who knows.  I see my psychiatrist every 3 months.  I take meds for my depression.  Nobody cares.   

liels898
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:53 AM

Wherever you are probably has free counseling, that would at least be an opening to finally get some help. 

No, not everyone will act like your mother and be disgusting enough to say you are lying about being raped. I was raped and it's hell no matter what you look like or how you feel about yourself, I'm not saying it would be easy to report it but it sure would help you to fight for yourself. 

I'm a self harmer too, I started cutting when I was 6. Trust me, I get what it's like, hating your body and being suicidal. There are no cut and dry answers for me to give you, I'm still in recovery. But sometimes you just have to start fighting, small steps first, and it'll get a little easier. It's hard but you've got a little one that depends on you so you definitely have a reason to make it work. 

If you need someone to talk to you can always message  me. I work with a shelter here locally and I might be able to find some info on free therapy (one on one, not group) for you if I knew where you are. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:54 AM
thats the problem, I want ds to have the childhood I didn't have.... two parents siblings etc all in the same house. thats the life I wanted for him, for him to be able to say "oh I grew up here and so n so was my best friend from the time I was 5" etc I have nothing stable in my life and I don't know how to get there

Quoting invisibleme:

*Hugs* I'm sorry you are struggling so badly. The starting point is the hardest thing to do. Force yourself to do the most basic things and try to find things that make you feel better about you. Little things turn into big things. You are a beautiful woman with a child take strength from the future you want your child to have.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:55 AM
Turn to Jesus. Fall on your face and pray.
Lovemyshadows
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:56 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Anonymous:

Iccan't afford it and my insurance doesn't cover it. thats where my problem falls

Quoting Lovemyshadows:

Go to therapy.  Who cares who knows.  I see my psychiatrist every 3 months.  I take meds for my depression.  Nobody cares.   

Then search out a clinic.  The more you say CAN'T the worse it will become.  You have to stand up and do something for your self and your son.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jul. 12, 2013 at 3:57 AM
Your post is so sad. You need to begin to focus on the bright things in your life (like your son) and build your inner-strength for those things. And you need therapy. You have had so much go on in your life, with very little loving support from others, and from your own words it's so obvious you are very depressed. If group therapy is all you can do at the moment, then do that. You need to let some of this stuff out because it's eating you up inside. Do this for your son - he needs a mom who can be strong for him.
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