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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Still not attached

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 77 Replies

About a year or so ago I posted about not feeling attached to my daughter and having wanted an abortion and got ripped limb from limb by not a few of the idealist moms on this site. And I'm sure this time will be no different.

She's 2 1/2 now.  I still don't feel attached to her and am thinking about putting her in temporary foster care because, as predicted, her father bailed (left the country and told everyone but me he was leaving; before I ever had her I knew that would be the end result, it was eating away at my every thought non-stop for months), I am in a hopeless situation with almost no options, and I have no other support.  I just don't see any other way out.  It sucks for her because she's super cute and loving and she absolutely deserves to have someone with heart strings.  Everywhere we go she gets compliments and attention, but I just don't feel what I think I should.  The few times she's been away, I have not missed her and have debated on just walking away - but that would be wrong.  There's way too much on my plate and our future is not going to get better without drastic measures.  If I could dig myself out of this hole w/o giving her up, I would.  I may not be attached to her, but I do care about her well being and don't want to damage her - but I don't see any other choice.

I don't like the fact that I don't feel attached, but it can't be helped.  Apparently oxytocin is a huge factor in a mother being able to attach to her child during the pregnancy and after birth.  If it's too low, attachment is a no-go.  Which makes sense knowing what I went through during & after my pregnancy.  So I won't beat up on myself over something I can't control.  Add to that the fact that I've just never, that I can recall, been attached to anyone.  That part of me seems to be broken.  When you've never experienced it, you can't know how to give it or what it feels like.

I had to come back and clarify that there are actually two separate issues going on here.

1) I'm still dealing with attachment issues with my daughter.  Not feeling emotional attachment is not the same as not loving a person.  I love my daugter, I just don't feel attached to her the way I think I should.  It was monumentally worse in the beginning, but has gotten a lot better.  Despite the fact that it's gotten better, I still feel bad about it sometimes.

2) The primary reason I'm thinking about temporary care is not because of her, it's because of a lack of support (I don't have any family, and no relationship with his family because of ongoing issues with him), being thrown into suddly being a single parent, not being able to continue to afford daycare and needing to do things to rebuild my resume so that I can work.  I've been looking and getting nowhere for two years and the gap is just getting bigger and bigger.

My daughter is not being abused or neglected, she's shown plenty of affection every day.

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:31 AM
4 moms liked this
I'm sorry :( I won't judge you. I think in this situation it honestly is better to give her up. She deserves to be in a family that has their whole heart to give her, and you need to do some soul-searching, straighten out your life and maybe seek counseling so you can better yourself. A knee-jerk reaction from many people is that you're her mother and how dare you put her up, but it doesn't always work out perfectly. Some people just don't have the necessary components in their life to be a mother or father. Maybe your job as a mother was to get her here, and now it's to find her real family. Hugs and prayers!
SyllabaryBisque
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:33 AM
1 mom liked this
I have to say, I agree.

Quoting Anonymous:

I'm sorry :( I won't judge you. I think in this situation it honestly is better to give her up. She deserves to be in a family that has their whole heart to give her, and you need to do some soul-searching, straighten out your life and maybe seek counseling so you can better yourself. A knee-jerk reaction from many people is that you're her mother and how dare you put her up, but it doesn't always work out perfectly. Some people just don't have the necessary components in their life to be a mother or father. Maybe your job as a mother was to get her here, and now it's to find her real family. Hugs and prayers!
justpeachy71904
by peachy on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:33 AM
Um. Yea do her a favor and call a really good agency.

I think you're honestly making excuses. But that's just me.
lifeisajoy
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:36 AM

Hugs mama!! You recognize this and thank you!  Sometimes loving your child is letting your child go.  Take care mama and thinking of you and your child.  Talk to me anytime.  

Sammi20
by Gold Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:37 AM

If I were you I would put her up for adoption. Chrildren know if you aren't attached you could be harming her mentally whether you know it or not. I'm not being mean I support you! Give her the life she deserves. And help yourself return to the life to want/need. Don't Force yourself to keep her out of guilt or peer pressure. Have an adoption agency place her in a home with parents who have always wanted a child, but just couldn't have one themselves. In the end do what is best for Both of you.

Princess_s21
by Sarah on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:43 AM

 I also agree, and well said.

Quoting SyllabaryBisque:

I have to say, I agree.

Quoting Anonymous:

I'm sorry :( I won't judge you. I think in this situation it honestly is better to give her up. She deserves to be in a family that has their whole heart to give her, and you need to do some soul-searching, straighten out your life and maybe seek counseling so you can better yourself. A knee-jerk reaction from many people is that you're her mother and how dare you put her up, but it doesn't always work out perfectly. Some people just don't have the necessary components in their life to be a mother or father. Maybe your job as a mother was to get her here, and now it's to find her real family. Hugs and prayers!

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 18, 2013 at 2:18 AM
1 mom liked this

Apparently.  But that doesn't make it true.  I'm not to only mother who's had issues attaching to a child, but many women are afraid to admit it because people will make them feel like crap over something they don't even understand themselves.  The subject is simply taboo.  You're supposed to feel attached to your child and that's that, and if you don't you're a horrible person - which simply is not true.

I hate when people throw down the excuses flag when they don't have the first clue of what the full story is.  You have not lived my life and  I really don't feel like telling the full story, it would take too long.  And to be clear, not feeling attachment is NOT the same as not loving.  I do love her, but the feelings of attachment are missing.  Not just with her, with everyone.

And I'll emphaize the point that I said "temporary" foster care - not adoption.  What I'm talking about wouldn't involve relinquishing custody at all.  Plus, I'm adopted, and I am not willing to take that gamble on her life.


Quoting justpeachy71904:

Um. Yea do her a favor and call a really good agency.

I think you're honestly making excuses. But that's just me.



BUFFIE.the.BODY
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 2:19 AM
... crack is wack
morrigan914
by Platinum Member on Jul. 18, 2013 at 2:22 AM
Have you sought counseling?
BUFFIE.the.BODY
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 2:23 AM
Afraid to admit it o_0? you're on some serious drugs

Quoting Anonymous:

Apparently.  But that doesn't make it true.  I'm not to only mother who's had issues attaching to a child, but many women are afraid to admit it because people will make them feel like crap over something they don't even understand themselves.  The subject is simply taboo.  You're supposed to feel attached to your child and that's that, and if you don't you're a horrible person - which simply is not true.

I hate when people throw down the excuses flag when they don't have the first clue of what the full story is.  You have not lived my life and  I really don't feel like telling the full story, it would take too long.  And to be clear, not feeling attachment is NOT the same as not loving.  I do love her, but the feelings of attachment are missing.  Not just with her, with everyone.

And I'll emphaize the point that I said "temporary" foster care - not adoption.  What I'm talking about wouldn't involve relinquishing custody at all.  Plus, I'm adopted, and I am not willing to take that gamble on her life.



Quoting justpeachy71904:

Um. Yea do her a favor and call a really good agency.



I think you're honestly making excuses. But that's just me.




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