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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I am cutting DH off UPDATE IN RED (BECAUSE I AM SEEING RED) second update Another update

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 512 Replies
16 moms liked this

My DH was laid off over a year ago, he worked at a car dealership and has sold cars (not always at this one) since he was 18. Of course, no other place was hiring with the economy being what it is, cars just aren't selling the way they used to. He has gotten several other jobs, which he felt was beneath him and would quite one job for another but that next one turned out to be no better. He hasn't worked in 6 months, he can't get a job, my guess is employers look at his work history and see he doesn't stay anywhere long so they don't want to spend time and money on training him. I know he is depressed and I have tried to be supportive but I am just done.

I am a respiratory therapist. I bring home about $4000 a month working 2 jobs (one in a hospital where I work 3, 12 hour shifts and the other in a nursing home where I work 2, 8 hour shifts.  This includes paying for insurance for everyone, me, dh and all the kids and contributing to my 401k) When you account for my  30 min drive each way, I am gone close to 60 hours a week. This is a job where I am on my feet the whole time.I also get $1200 in CS.

I feel like I never see my kids who are 11, 14, 17 and 21 (21 year old doesn't live at home but has a 1 year old who I don't get to see much because of my working either). On top of that, I feel like we never have any money, if I am missing out on so much time with my kids, I feel that I should at least be able to provide for them. But I can't and here is the problem, DH's child support. It is $745 a month for 2 kids which the judge wouldn't lower when he was laid off. On top of that, DH feels that it is "only right" that we help with extra expenses like school clothes and activities. Last month, he spent over $800 between buying them clothes and paying "his" half for SS football. They way I feel is that is fine and good if he is making money but since he isn't I don't think that it's right that he is spending so much on his kids while I have to cut back on mine.

The other thing is, my mother lives with us, she moved in with me, before I married DH because dad died and she couldn't bare living alone. Since she doesn't work, she is happy to listen out for the kids so it's not like DH is staying home with the kids.

I am having a talk with him tonight. The gravy train is over. I will tell him that I will pay this month's child support because it is due next week but after that, not one single dime that I earn is going to child support. In addition, his children are welcome in our home at any time, they will be fed and provided a place to sleep but I am not spending any money I earn on extras. That is what child support is for. I mean I might pick up a few things here and there or take them to go get something but it is NOT going to be something that is obligated anymore. He will simply have to find a job and stick with it, even if he finds it beneath him.

I really hope this goes well but I am thinking it won't. I just can't continue to be a work horse and lately, I feel like that is all DH sees me as.

I sat down with DH to talk to him about how I have been feeling taken advantage of and that I am done paying for his responsibilities. I told him there is no reason for him to stay at home and that he needs to get a job, I don't care if it is Mcdonalds. He responded by saying we are married so he has every right to spend "our" money. I told him not when I am the only one making it. I told him that if he spends one cent of the money I earn against my wishes, I will stop putting money in our joint account and I will start my own. He called me a greedy bitch and so I told him forget what I said about me paying the upcoming child support payment, because I won't do it now.  He said it's not his kids fault that he "can't" find a job and they shouldn't suffer for it. Well I told him neither is it my or my kids fault but you don't mind us suffering. I also told him that starting next week, I will not be working my second job. He was so mad, he took off and has been gone for 30 minutes. My paychecks both come in on Friday and I am thinking about changing the direct deposit from our account to a new account of my own because I have a feeling he is still going to spend the money.

So as of last night, before he stormed off, we had about $900 in our account (this doesn't include my savings account that is in just my name, I also have a 401K). After responding to some posts last night, I checked the account wondering if he had dared spend anything after what had been said. He went to a hotel, not even a cheap hotel, this one cost $140! Plus he spend $25 on pizza,  that's $165 when we only had $900 in the account. I decided to call off work today to get some things straightened out, I don't feel bad as I haven't called off either job at all this year. I went to our bank (just got back) and took out $452 which was exactly half of what was in the account before he stormed off. Then I took my name off of the account, leaving the other half for him minus the money he spent last night meaning he now has $287 to his name and I text messaged him telling him this. I then called human resources at both jobs to ask that they not do the direct deposit, they  said that would be fine but I have to come pick up my checks, fine by me. I will be opening a new account tomorrow with my paychecks and the money I took out. I have deactivated the garage door which is the only way he can get into the house, he never keeps house keys on him and when my kids and my mom wake up, we are going out for the day.

I am simply done with his nonsense and I am not going to let him drag me down anymore.

He came home yesterday afternoon. He said he had been looking for a job all day and put in applications everywhere and will likely get a job at Best Buy. He met with the manager when he put in the application (the manager happened to be the one up front) and he seemed to be very interested in him. He said he had been thinking about what has been going on and what he said and he realized he was wrong. He said he just got used to me doing everything. We agreed to try to make it work BUT I am not paying his child support and I am keeping my money in my account, I will continue to pay all the bills until he gets a job but because of his spending, he will not have any spending money of his own. I am going to keep working the second job for a while so that I can save extra money. If his kids need something, we will talk about it but he took them on a shopping spree not along ago so I doubt they will need anything any time soon.

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:38 PM

BUMP!

BeautyFull
by Silver Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:38 PM
2 moms liked this
I think you are being reasonable. If he is not working, it is not fair for you to pick up on the extras. Good luck on your talk with him.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:39 PM
1 mom liked this

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:40 PM

Thanks, I am really frustrated but I am going to try my best to stay calm when talking with him



Quoting BeautyFull:

I think you are being reasonable. If he is not working, it is not fair for you to pick up on the extras. Good luck on your talk with him.



BeautyFull
by Silver Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:42 PM
With all the time you are putting out away from your kids....Anyone would be frustrated in this situation.


Quoting Anonymous:

Thanks, I am really frustrated but I am going to try my best to stay calm when talking with him




Quoting BeautyFull:

I think you are being reasonable. If he is not working, it is not fair for you to pick up on the extras. Good luck on your talk with him.





Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:47 PM

Thank you. I am generally a very giving person by nature and I think that is how I let it get this far. Honestly, I am a bit ashamed that I did.



Quoting BeautyFull:

With all the time you are putting out away from your kids....Anyone would be frustrated in this situation.


Quoting Anonymous:

Thanks, I am really frustrated but I am going to try my best to stay calm when talking with him




Quoting BeautyFull:

I think you are being reasonable. If he is not working, it is not fair for you to pick up on the extras. Good luck on your talk with him.







casseopeia
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:47 PM
1 mom liked this

Which part are you cutting off?

boshs1andonly
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:55 PM
4 moms liked this

It must be really frustrating for you to deal with that. And while I think that a marriage is a partnership, it's not up to him to be offering to pay for extras when he can't hold up his end of the deal. I mean, if it were my dh who was laid off, of course I'd pay enough child support to keep him out of jail and make sure the child is taken cared of. But extras? no way. And honestly I would have seriously reconsidered staying with him when he said a job was "beneath him". when you have a family to take care of you don't have that luxury. I came out of college making 45k a year, and quit my job due to health concerns & issues with my husband, too much stress coming home with me. I took a lesser paying job as a nanny and when she moved to day care, I didn't work (which was okay with dh because I was going to graduate school). When our roommates bailed and left us 900 in the hole every month, I sucked it up and got a job for $11 an hour. Which sucked but, I wasn't going to let us drown because I felt like I was too good for that job. It's time for your husband to start pulling his weight one way or another. Good luck hope he comes around

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 17, 2013 at 5:58 PM

I am not paying his CS nor am I paying for extras for his kids unless I chose to (will be a lot less often then he does now)



Quoting casseopeia:

Which part are you cutting off?



Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 17, 2013 at 6:01 PM

Good for you for doing what needed to be done. The way I see it, they won't even talk about putting him in jail till he is 6 months behind so he has 6 months to come up with some kind of job, that shouldn't be too hard.



Quoting boshs1andonly:

It must be really frustrating for you to deal with that. And while I think that a marriage is a partnership, it's not up to him to be offering to pay for extras when he can't hold up his end of the deal. I mean, if it were my dh who was laid off, of course I'd pay enough child support to keep him out of jail and make sure the child is taken cared of. But extras? no way. And honestly I would have seriously reconsidered staying with him when he said a job was "beneath him". when you have a family to take care of you don't have that luxury. I came out of college making 45k a year, and quit my job due to health concerns & issues with my husband, too much stress coming home with me. I took a lesser paying job as a nanny and when she moved to day care, I didn't work (which was okay with dh because I was going to graduate school). When our roommates bailed and left us 900 in the hole every month, I sucked it up and got a job for $11 an hour. Which sucked but, I wasn't going to let us drown because I felt like I was too good for that job. It's time for your husband to start pulling his weight one way or another. Good luck hope he comes around



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