I am cutting DH off UPDATE IN RED (BECAUSE I AM SEEING RED) second update Another update
My DH was laid off over a year ago, he worked at a car dealership and has sold cars (not always at this one) since he was 18. Of course, no other place was hiring with the economy being what it is, cars just aren't selling the way they used to. He has gotten several other jobs, which he felt was beneath him and would quite one job for another but that next one turned out to be no better. He hasn't worked in 6 months, he can't get a job, my guess is employers look at his work history and see he doesn't stay anywhere long so they don't want to spend time and money on training him. I know he is depressed and I have tried to be supportive but I am just done.
I am a respiratory therapist. I bring home about $4000 a month working 2 jobs (one in a hospital where I work 3, 12 hour shifts and the other in a nursing home where I work 2, 8 hour shifts. This includes paying for insurance for everyone, me, dh and all the kids and contributing to my 401k) When you account for my 30 min drive each way, I am gone close to 60 hours a week. This is a job where I am on my feet the whole time.I also get $1200 in CS.
I feel like I never see my kids who are 11, 14, 17 and 21 (21 year old doesn't live at home but has a 1 year old who I don't get to see much because of my working either). On top of that, I feel like we never have any money, if I am missing out on so much time with my kids, I feel that I should at least be able to provide for them. But I can't and here is the problem, DH's child support. It is $745 a month for 2 kids which the judge wouldn't lower when he was laid off. On top of that, DH feels that it is "only right" that we help with extra expenses like school clothes and activities. Last month, he spent over $800 between buying them clothes and paying "his" half for SS football. They way I feel is that is fine and good if he is making money but since he isn't I don't think that it's right that he is spending so much on his kids while I have to cut back on mine.
The other thing is, my mother lives with us, she moved in with me, before I married DH because dad died and she couldn't bare living alone. Since she doesn't work, she is happy to listen out for the kids so it's not like DH is staying home with the kids.
I am having a talk with him tonight. The gravy train is over. I will tell him that I will pay this month's child support because it is due next week but after that, not one single dime that I earn is going to child support. In addition, his children are welcome in our home at any time, they will be fed and provided a place to sleep but I am not spending any money I earn on extras. That is what child support is for. I mean I might pick up a few things here and there or take them to go get something but it is NOT going to be something that is obligated anymore. He will simply have to find a job and stick with it, even if he finds it beneath him.
I really hope this goes well but I am thinking it won't. I just can't continue to be a work horse and lately, I feel like that is all DH sees me as.
I sat down with DH to talk to him about how I have been feeling taken advantage of and that I am done paying for his responsibilities. I told him there is no reason for him to stay at home and that he needs to get a job, I don't care if it is Mcdonalds. He responded by saying we are married so he has every right to spend "our" money. I told him not when I am the only one making it. I told him that if he spends one cent of the money I earn against my wishes, I will stop putting money in our joint account and I will start my own. He called me a greedy bitch and so I told him forget what I said about me paying the upcoming child support payment, because I won't do it now. He said it's not his kids fault that he "can't" find a job and they shouldn't suffer for it. Well I told him neither is it my or my kids fault but you don't mind us suffering. I also told him that starting next week, I will not be working my second job. He was so mad, he took off and has been gone for 30 minutes. My paychecks both come in on Friday and I am thinking about changing the direct deposit from our account to a new account of my own because I have a feeling he is still going to spend the money.
So as of last night, before he stormed off, we had about $900 in our account (this doesn't include my savings account that is in just my name, I also have a 401K). After responding to some posts last night, I checked the account wondering if he had dared spend anything after what had been said. He went to a hotel, not even a cheap hotel, this one cost $140! Plus he spend $25 on pizza, that's $165 when we only had $900 in the account. I decided to call off work today to get some things straightened out, I don't feel bad as I haven't called off either job at all this year. I went to our bank (just got back) and took out $452 which was exactly half of what was in the account before he stormed off. Then I took my name off of the account, leaving the other half for him minus the money he spent last night meaning he now has $287 to his name and I text messaged him telling him this. I then called human resources at both jobs to ask that they not do the direct deposit, they said that would be fine but I have to come pick up my checks, fine by me. I will be opening a new account tomorrow with my paychecks and the money I took out. I have deactivated the garage door which is the only way he can get into the house, he never keeps house keys on him and when my kids and my mom wake up, we are going out for the day.
I am simply done with his nonsense and I am not going to let him drag me down anymore.
He came home yesterday afternoon. He said he had been looking for a job all day and put in applications everywhere and will likely get a job at Best Buy. He met with the manager when he put in the application (the manager happened to be the one up front) and he seemed to be very interested in him. He said he had been thinking about what has been going on and what he said and he realized he was wrong. He said he just got used to me doing everything. We agreed to try to make it work BUT I am not paying his child support and I am keeping my money in my account, I will continue to pay all the bills until he gets a job but because of his spending, he will not have any spending money of his own. I am going to keep working the second job for a while so that I can save extra money. If his kids need something, we will talk about it but he took them on a shopping spree not along ago so I doubt they will need anything any time soon.