For those of you just joining in, yes, it's a long one. For a very very quick summary, I slept with my BIL about a month ago, I told sister about it and then found out that she had broken up my marriage two years ago by telling my XDH lies. I very much regret sleeping with BIL, and wish with all my being that I could take it back, but this new information has thrown me threw a loop.
The latest update is at the top and the first summary and other updates follow.
Update 9 (8/25):
Because people are asking, here's the latest update. It's nothing exciting.
Sister is doing fine. She's still acting like nothing bothers her. I got to take my niece and nephew out for our monthly "date" Friday night. They seem ok as well. They just chattered on about the new school year, and their dad's new place.
I actually dropped them off at BIL's after. He does have a nice little place. He was smiling and all when we got there, but he looked sad and it turned my stomach. I wanted to just drop and go, but my niece really wanted me to see her new room, even though she had shown me a thousand pictures of it already. He didn't say anything other than asking about the kids, but later that night he texted me, saying he missed me.
Which to be honest, I really miss him too. And I can't stop kicking myself for being a whore. But I'm still avoiding him until my head is clear. But I really ache so badly to just hang out with him. Not on any romantic level. Just as buddies, like we did before. I simply replied, "I know. But it is what it is" to his text.
As for our company. We still have a few things going on, but we're meeting our clients separately. I did take XDH with me to do a repair, but otherwise it's just been one or the other of us taking care of things. I made it clear to BIL not to let our personal life get in the middle of our business communications, and he's been professional about it. I think we will just end up splitting the company and the clients. My sister has been no help with this, she says there's no reason to change anything. That the company has a following (we get most of our work from return clients and recommendations), so we shouldn't just end it.
I am still speaking with XDH. He's been making it a point to check in on me every time we do the kid exchange. Which is a nice change. It makes me laugh to think how he used to practically shove the kids out the car door when he'd drop them off and hide somewhere in the house when it was my turn. And of he did see me he was all silent unless asked a direct question.
From here I really do just want have nothing to do with my sister and go hang out with BIL. And I just might end up doing that, I'm just taking the time to make sure I do it from a logic perspective and not just an emotional, revenge-filled mind. My best friend thinks I'm over thinking everything but she is much more carefree than I. There's more than just my sister who would be angry. You know what, f*ck it. I'm going to text him.
After writing all this I realize how lame I'm being.
Because the original post doesn't really fucking matter, but it does have more details, I moved it to the very bottom and summarized it up top. The updates follow the summery.
Summery (7/18): My BIL (sister's DH) and I work together on houses and we spend a lot of time together. This is something my sister, her HD, my XDH and I started together a few years ago. The other night, while out of town doing a project house we had too many drinks and ended up sleeping together. I was the whore who started it, and pestered even though he resisted at first. I left the house first thing in the morning. I felt really bad and came here to see what good would come out of me telling her. I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to hurt her. and it's not something I plan on doing again.
Update 1 (7/18 pm): We talked. We agreed not to tell her for now. He cried when I apologized and told him we should never talk about it again. I'm not sure if it was relief or what. He's not sure about not telling her. He's very confused right now. But he agreed to let me know before he tells her.
I'm staying in a hotel for the rest of our stay. That's really it. It wasn't a very long conversation.
Update 2 (7/19 am)First thing this morning, I got a call from the plumber because no one is at the house. I couldn't get a hold of BIL, I texted sis to see if she's heard from him, she hadn't. Finally 2 hours later he shows up at the house. With flowers. I'm like WTF? He has tears running down his face again and he can hardly speak so he hands me a piece of paper saying basically he's not sorry for the other night. He wants to divorce my sister and has wanted to for the past 8 fucking years. But he knew if he left her he couldn't see me.
He's been in love with me for years but he knew I wouldn't have him because of my sister, an because I was married at the time. So he figured our friendship was better than nothing. That in fact he resisted the other night because he knew it would end bad. And he wasn't as drunk as I was and didn't realize how drunk I was.
I left and am now back at the hotel trying to gather my thoughts. And all I can think of is shit!
I know it's stupid to run to cm but it's helping me figuring things out. I can't just sit here alone with my thoughts right now. I'm going to have to tell sis now.
Update 3 (7/19 pm): There's not much else to tell. I'm at home now. I left after meeting with someone about the house. Chelsea (sister, not real name) will be home in the morning. She'll likely pick up the kids in the afternoon, or on Sunday. I'm gonna talk to her before then. BIL wants to tell her together but I don't want to because we're not together. I can't do it with him.
He has texted and called me a few times. Saying he's sorry he did this to me. Sorry he let it get this far. Saying it's not bullshit because I told him the thought of him loving me for that long was bullshit. I don't see how they could "act" (as he put it) so happy together for so long. He says Chelsea is all about how it looks from the outside.
I made him stop! He's pissing me off. Chelsea and I are close. I know she's all about appearances, but not with family. Not with me.
Ugh. It's fucking snowballing.
Thanks for listening and bashing and giving me something to do while waiting for the morning.
Update 4 (7/21 early am):
Ok. I'm trying to keep this short, but a lot fucking changed after I told her. I know some of you think I'm a troll, but that's your business, and I know this next update won't change your mind, but I don't know what to tell you.
Sorry it's so long.
So I told Chelsea. And she's pissed, but only because she thinks I'm LYING. She thinks I've been sleeping with BIL for years. She thinks I was just telling her now because he wants a divorce. But she's not having it, she said I should have just kept it to myself because she wasn't divorcing BIL. She even said that she knows that this is the reason XDH left me.
I said WTF? XDH was a paranoid asshat who screwed up our marriage because he thought I was sleeping with every man I spoke to.
And she said he had every right to be paranoid because it was true. She wouldn't take my denial and she told me I'd always been a slut and always will be. (I'd just slept with her DH so fair enough). I was just at a damn loss for words. But I asked why she said that. and she started naming these other guys that she claimed I had slept with while I was married.
I did not have sex with anyone but my XDH when we were married. And these guys she was naming off were the same guys XDH had named off before we divorced.
I finally just had to leave. And I called XDH to chew him out for making my sister think I was a total whore (yes, I know I just fucked her DH, but that wasn't relevant before.)
He wouldn't talk to me about it at first. Saying the past was the past and there was no use bringing it up again. Then I told him what had happened and he hung up saying he had to go. He called me over an hour later and asked if what I said was true, that I hadn't slept with BIL until he other night.
He then told me that it was Chelsea who had told him that me and BIL were having an affair. And had told him that he was right about the other guys. He didn't tell me before because he thought she was on his side and he didn't want me to hate her.
After that, I called her and asked if she told him that but she just hung up on me and she just texted me to leave her the fuck alone after I texted her. I called BIL and told him everything she said. He said he knew she was suspicious of the two of us but he didn't know she'd said anything to XDH. He also said that she had told him about all the guys I'd cheated on XDH with. I asked why he didn't tell my this shit and he said it was none of his business who I fucked.
God. There is so much more. But those are the basics. I stopped texting BIL a few hours ago. I don't know what to think. I swear I'm never going to post my problems on CM again. The last time I had a behavior problem with my DS it just got worse and turned into a medical issue. This place is a curse. but thanks for listening when I had no one else to turn to. I'm going to sleep now, but I'll read through the posts in the morning.
Update 5 (7/21 am):
Again. Trying to keep things short. I just want to explain things a little better I guess.
I don't want a relationship with BIL. I should not have screwed him.
BIL asked Chelsea for a divorce over 8 years ago, which according to him was because of other problems. She said no. During counseling (there's a few years time lapse here) he had told her that he was in love with another woman and finally said it was me.
She told him he had better not tell anyone in the family. That she and the kids didn't deserve a broken home just because he was being selfish. And it would be worse because it is their aunt.
He said that shortly after is when she started tell him all the guys I've screwed, and was screwing. Saying if it hasn't already happened then it wasn't going to. He's telling me a lot of lies that she's telling about the family too. Things about our childhood. He doesn't remember exactly when it was that she started to suspect that he and I started screwing around. But she had told him that she didn't care because he was a worthless piece of shit and he deserved a slut like me.
Thankfully she is not a "mommy dearest" to the kids. She's a great mom, I've always admired how she took on the roll so naturally. She does a lot of things for the schools and such. But apparently she's been a crazy person to BIL.
I asked if he's had other affairs. He denies it, but I can't really say I believe him for sure because I don't see how he could have been living like that. And, according to him, they haven't had sex in a long time.
I feel sorry for BIL but I can't look past the fact that this was a mistake. I don't really feel sorry for sis anymore, but I'm still a horrible person though. None of this makes me feel any better about what I did. No matter how much sis deserves it. So. I understand you guys still thinking I'm a POS.
Now XDH. He emailed me last night/this morning telling me how it all panned out with his suspicions. Sis had been feeding him lies practically from the beginning. He had already been the jealous type but one time he asked sis if he should be suspicious of a certain guy and she said she didn't know but that I had cheated on another guy before (not true).
And later she had told him that I had confided in her that I had cheated on XDH with a guy on one of the projects. And then a few more later. Which all makes sense as to when his jealousy started getting out of hand and really him thinking I had an affair with BIL was the turning point for our marriage. And after that accusation, no amount I counseling (not that he took it seriously) could help. Especially since he never brought my sister into the equation except for saying that I was destroying her marriage.
He apologized for not coming clean sooner.
Yes, this is a clusterfuck- which is a new word to me, thanks.
And again. I own my actions. I feel like dirt sleeping with BIL. People asked for updates so I'm giving them. I'm livid to say the least, and had I not just slept with BIL, I'd have killed my sister. She's not answering my calls right now. But she did text me to tell me what a psycho bitch I am. And I'm not sending her any very nice texts either.
Update 6 (7/22 pm):
First, thank you for all the kind words. I'm trying to answer all of you, but there's so many. If I don't get to you, it's not because I didn't hear you. Thank you.
To answer this question about XDH, I don't see a relationship with him. It was a long apology in the email but there was too much said before our divorce and he ruined other friendships that I can't get past. I do have a slightly better view and I do think things will get friendlier from here. I no longer think he's completely psychotic and he's sees I'm not the whore he made me out to be.
Sis still won't talk to me. She told our mom that she needed a mini vacation because BIL is divorcing her. So mom still has the kids and she took off. I have been writing her an email (one mom here suggested a letter, thank you for the good points you gave me), I haven't sent it yet, I want the wording to be right because I really want answers from her. I'm having a hard time believing everything BIL is saying. I've only told a good friend everything and she has put doubts in my head about him. So we need to talk.
Update 7 (7/26am):
There's not much to update, a lot of emotional stuff is going on, but it's much the same as it was on Monday with a lot of reflection and dealing with my guilt.
I sent sis the email Tuesday morning. It pretty much said I was sorry and that I had no idea that BIL had feelings for me. That I'm not exactly mad at her. I told her I'm confused about what BIL and XDH are saying. She hasn't responded. I don't know if it's because she's still out of town or if she just hasn't checked her emails.
The only "excitement" since I updated last was when XDH dropped the boys off the other night he hugged me and I lost it. We hadn't so much as brushed up against each other since before the divorce, so everything really set in after that. We had a long talk, after I finished bawling my eyes out. LOL It was nice.
Otherwise, I've just been hanging with my kids the last few days
Update 8 (7/30):
After starting some drama with mom, my sister finally called me back. She did apologize. She said she didn't know what to think at the time when BIL told her he had feelings for me, but she tried to get him to hate me. She thought that if he thought I was sleeping with these other guys then he wouldn't like me so much (which is kinda what I had figured).
By that time she already knew their marriage was over. They had been going to counseling but she had already moved on. They had been living together and sleeping in the same bed but just for the kids. She didn't want the kids to know and for the kids not to know, no one else could know. But when he told her that he had feelings for me it burnt even more.
This is where she starts to confuse me. After she started telling him this crap about me he started doing "strange" things. Things that made her think he was having an affair and she assumed it was with me. And supposedly that's when she started to tell XDH that I was cheating on him.
I asked her why she had told him I had cheated when I was in a relationship with another guy, and she claims she doesn't remember that, but then she asked "well didn't you cheat on so and so?"
But whatever. So she says she told XDH that I was sleeping with these guys because she didn't want to tell him that I was sleeping with BIL. But when he wasn't totally believing it because my "alibis" kept adding up, she finally told him it was BIL. She says she didn't think it was fair that I was cheating and he didn't know.
I asked her why she didn't just fucking talk to me and she said because she didn't want me to know that she knew. I told her she was crazy. She says she honestly thought I was just confessing because we were tired of hiding.
She says she really doesn't even care that I slept with him because she got over it a long time ago. I told her she had every right to be angry now because it really did happen. But she said it doesn't matter she's just glad it's in the open now. Saying it's not as bad as she thought it was. And then she asked if I would be there for her with the divorce...
I don't know what to say. I really don't. BIL has already moved out, I have not helped him and have had little contact with him. Although it was he who finally got sis to call me after she started the drama with mom.
My mom says I should just get over it but I don't think she understands what she did. I don't know. Her story mostly adds up but I don't know if it's all true or not.
This conversation happened on Sunday and she's just acting all cheery now. She called me yesterday about the kids' school and then this morning about taking the kids to a movie. Knowing what I know now, it feels so fake.
Anyway. That's it. I guess there's only healing from now. But I don't know how I should go about things if I can't trust her. And to be honest, I think she's just enjoying the attention. So far it's only mom and one cousin who knows what really happened (plus my BFF). Sis is just telling others that she wasn't happy with BIL any more. That they had tried, but he wasn't willing to step up. Which also bothers me, she's being mean with him after all he put up with with her. But whatever. That's their problem, not mine. He's going along with it so whatever.
Ok. That's really it.
Thanks for listening
Original post before updates:
And it's eating me alive. It wasn't planned. It just happened. They have been married for many years. He's a great guy, I've always been attracted to him, but never in the, I want to sleep with him way. He's was more like my brother.
We work on houses together, and that is what we were doing. We've spent many nights together doing this, because it takes us out of town at times. My sister and my XDH used to come along, but she has a different job. So we're the ones who oversee the projects.
For some reason we got too drunk last night and one thing led to another. I don't know what I was thinking.
I left first thing this morning. We have more work to do on the house, but I'm too ashamed. I can just see my sister's sweet happy face. I can't tell her. I don't want things to get awkward because I don't want her to know.
What should I do or say? Please. I need help. I don't want to tell anyone IRL. I wish I could just erase what happened.
ETA: I'm not trying to justify it with being drunk, but honestly, had we not been drunk, this wouldn't have happened. I was being stupid, started playing a little game. I knew he wouldn't cheat, but for whatever fucking reason I tested his will, and "won." I'm a piece of shit.
We've had drinks together many time before. He never drinks with other women. He's had friends do stupid things while they were drunk. I do care for him, but it's the whole family dynamic I love. Without him, his kids are screwed, my sister's life is ruined.
I don't want to have a relationship with him. It was a mistake. I never dreamed I'd do this. I don't want pity. Just advice. I can't tell my sister, unless he decides to tell her.