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Bored - Critique my first 300 words

Posted by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:13 AM
  • 16 Replies

I'm finally starting Ch 4 of my new novella, I'm up way too late, and I can't figure out how the chapter starts. So I figured I'd take a chance and offer up the first 300 words (about a page and a half) of my story for y'all to use as target practice.

It's a paranormal romance tentatively titled "Hellhound."


The shot wasn't difficult. It had taken time to set up, but once the prep was done, it only required patience. He had an abundance of patience. As Nick waited for his mark to appear, he mentally reviewed the file he'd been given.

Lauren Ivers. 28. Virginia native. :: The Ivers had been in Virginia so long, she had family who called the Revolutionary War "an uncomfortable episode."

Graduate of University of Virginia. Advanced degrees in Particle Physics and Aerospace Engineering. :: Translation: Giant nerd-girl.

Spouse/Significant Other/Children: None. :: She lived totally alone. Not even a fish.

Hobbies: Cooking and reading. :: He couldn't figure out how an honest-to-God rocket scientist could burn water. She was better off reading the dozens of romance novels she had piled around her room. He'd picked up a few to give his recon more detail and they'd damn near scorched his eyeballs.

Employment :: Fenris & Associates, a small aerospace firm that designed military aircraft prototypes, tucked innocuously into Ghent - an area of Norfolk so charming and quant it made his teeth hurt.

Security clearance :: High enough that even her family didn't know how high it was.

Moonlights :: Industrial espionage. Traitor. He had copies of e-mails, hidden bank accounts that traced back to her, and her fingerprints, real and cyber, all over a damning amount of evidence. He gave a moment's thought to the fact that there was zero indication of her misdeeds at her house, but maybe she didn't like to bring treason home. The secrets she sold led to casualties all around the globe. Her hands dripped with the blood of innocents.

People didn't end up in his sights for no reason. :: Sinner.

Nick Lyall practically drooled at the thought. The blood of the unrighteous was a tasty treat.



Sela Carsen ~ Writing Romantic Comedies. With and without dead people.

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by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Sassy762
by CAFE SASSY HBIC on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:15 AM

SelaCarsen
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:16 AM
1 mom liked this

LOL!!!

Quoting Sassy762:


SelaCarsen
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:32 AM

BUMP!

skymama10
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:37 AM
I'm intrigued.
SelaCarsen
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:50 AM

I'll take intrigued as a good thing. :)

Quoting skymama10:

I'm intrigued.


SelaCarsen
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:53 AM

BUMP!

skymama10
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:54 AM
It is. I'm not a huge fan of sci fi or romance but what you have is captivating.


Quoting SelaCarsen:

I'll take intrigued as a good thing. :)

Quoting skymama10:

I'm intrigued.



SelaCarsen
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:55 AM

Thank you. :)

Quoting skymama10:

It is. I'm not a huge fan of sci fi or romance but what you have is captivating.


Quoting SelaCarsen:

I'll take intrigued as a good thing. :)

Quoting skymama10:

I'm intrigued.




skymama10
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 3:56 AM
You're welcome. :)


Quoting SelaCarsen:

Thank you. :)

Quoting skymama10:

It is. I'm not a huge fan of sci fi or romance but what you have is captivating.





Quoting SelaCarsen:

I'll take intrigued as a good thing. :)

Quoting skymama10:

I'm intrigued.






SelaCarsen
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 4:02 AM

BUMP!

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