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I don't want to do this anymore... my sad confession

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 64 Replies

I'm a pathetic piece of crap. I have no children of my own.  My husband knows I'm a raging cunt and nearly impossible to live with.  He's already admitted he won't talk to me or tell me anything because I'm negative and just "bite his head off."  I hate my dead-end job and everyone I work with hates me too.  They've been trying to run me off for months.  I've virtually disowned everyone in my family because, believe it or not, they are worse than me.  I've been nothing but a huge disappointment to my folks for decades.  I have no friends.  Not kidding.  NO friends.  My social skills suck and mostly I just don't really like people.

I own a home that is literally falling apart and I have no money to fix it so I can't even move.  I live in a one-horse town so there's no other jobs available for me that even remotely get close to what I make now.

The only person I really have to talk to is the cat.  Pathetic, huh?  I do have the dog but she's so old and I'm afraid we'll have to put her down soon.  I just don't want to do this anymore.  I want my husband to be happy.  I want to stop being "that bitch" in everyone's life.  

I know I'm being selfish.  I'm sure my husband will be sad.  My folks will be sad.  They may even blame him.  Not sure if it matters, they never approved of our marriage anyway so they won't have any relationship afterwards.  The cat will wonder why he's not getting regular meals.  The dog will probably be in physical agony far longer than she needs to cause my husband doesn't really pay much attention to her.  Maybe I should just make her comfortable along with me.

I just don't want to be that person anymore.  I've seen a few shrinks.  They just wanted to medicate me which just put in some kind of mind-numbing stupor which I think just made things worse.

I need the strength to just go through with it.  I know I won't find it here.  I just needed to tell someone, even total strangers.  I have no one.  I hate myself. 

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:33 PM
I'm sorry. :(
gina6239
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:34 PM
1 mom liked this

 I am so sorry you are going through this. Please talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling rather than ending your life. You will never give yourself a chance to be happy and find peace in life if you choose this path. Hugs, and I truly hope things look up for you!

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:36 PM

Go to church.  Have a higher purpose than yourself.  Volunteer at a girls and boys club or something to help people.

shellyplatz
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:36 PM

I understand how you feel. It's so hard to get out of a "funk" like that.

Is there anything that you want in life, anything you wanted to do? If you are not happy with your situation and there is any way you can change it then do it. Maybe move to a new city, different job, go to school?

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:37 PM
1 mom liked this
If you hate yourself so much, THEN CHANGE. You see what you're doing, so stop. Yes, you can. *IF* you want it enough.
malibucj
by Gold Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:42 PM

I know it's rough. But look at it as a new chapter and work to become that person that you want to be. You are the only person who can change you into what you want.

OrangeBalloon
by Platinum Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:43 PM
2 moms liked this

Five years ago, I thought about taking my own life. My dh stopped me. I have struggled with depression, PTSD, anxiety, and just the overwhelming bullshit that my life contained. I was sad and at the time I didn't see any hope for my future. I thought everything was hopeless and that I was worthless.

I went to several shrinks. I finally found one that helped me balance my medication to a level that I could live with. It was a long process that I wanted to give up on many times. My dh kept pushing me and eventually I did start to feel better.

Small changes lead to bigger ones, and then I gave birth to our dd. I NEVER invisioned my life being what it is now. The sickness that you have in you head is what is telling you things will always suck. It just isn't true. You have a wicked disease that is filling you with falsehoods. Realize right now, that this is not the real you. This is a disease that is acting upon you to make you feel this way.

Do not give up. It does get better, even when you really think that it is impossible. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:48 PM

How strange is it that I find someone feeling the same way?  You don't own a gun by chance.

bullemhead
by Platinum Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:57 PM
2 moms liked this

 I actually started crying as I read this. It is so sad to think you feel so worthless. Please go to a hospital and demand to be admitted. You are clearly clinically depressed. They can help. Please know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please.

RunningMommaof2
by Kelly on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:01 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry :( it sounds like you blame yourself for a lot. It's hard to be nice to other people when you're not nice to yourself.... Not everyone understands that.
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