I wish my son's bio father was dead.
My husband and I started dating when my oldest son was 1 year old. Now, he's almost 6. We've been married and he has been adopted for years- as long as my son can remember. We have never attempted to hide the fact that my husband is not his biological father, but we also have not come right out with it, either. He remembers when we married- albeit vaguely- and refers to it as "our wedding" or says "remember when we married dad?". He remembers that we lived in this house before his dad (my husband) did. He has a little foundation for the information that his daddy is not his bio father.
I think we're within weeks of the biggest discussion we'll have about it, and that makes me nervous. I just don't know how he will feel. We were actually watching Elf the other day, and he asked me why Buddy calls Papa Elf his dad but his dad is the bad man in New York. It would have been the perfect time... had I expected it.
The truth is, I'm scared about the questions he might ask. His bio father is a total piece of shit. He's a worthless bastard who I had a fling with at 21 years old (He was 31). He tried to pressure me to have an abortion, cheated on me while I was pregnant, and bounced in and out a few times after my son was born. Of course my poor 21 year old heart adored him and thought I could change him. I learned quickly, thank goodness, that men like him don't change.
He abused alcohol and drugs. He's worked under the table for years to avoid paying proper child support for his oldest son. Subsequently, he was running from the IRS the last time I heard from him (2009). He's a low-life piece of shit. Clearly you don't tell a 5 year old THAT!
But is it ok to say, "He's not really a very nice man" ?? What about, "Well, I was really excited to be a mom, but he wasn't ready to be a dad" ?? I mean, I still can't think of anything to say that I feel totally comfortable with.
And don't we kind of have to have the sex talk? How do you explain that it take 2 people to make a baby without having to explain sex?
OR can I just tell him that I had a baby (him) by myself and daddy did something called "an adoption" so that he could have the same last name? Maybe the sex and biology is more than he needs right now?
If he was dead, I could just say, "Yep, he was a bad man, and now he's dead." And then he could never go out searching for him... only to be let down.
ANY advice is welcome.