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I'm a really bad friend

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 11 Replies
I have another post on here about my friend who I helped get out of an abusive relationship. Anyway, her and her 18 month son are now living with me. The reason I am a bad friend? I can't handle it much longer. She is driving me insane. Her son is pretty well behaved just a typical 18 month old. Into everything because he doesn't know any better. Well that really isn't a problem except my house is no longer set up for a small child. I have a 4 and half year old who is mature for her age. And even that isn't so much of a problem.... IF SHE WOULD WATCH HIM. She sits on her computer all day. I came home from work and he had made a mess all over my living room. No big deal except he had lost the batteries for my daughters horse. Batteries I can't replace for two weeks. Even that isn't what is really bothering me. I understand you can't constantly be on top of the kid. What is bothering me is that she isn't 21 yet and she has gotten drunk every night but 1 since she has been here. I am 22 and would go to jail even though I didn't buy it because it's in my house. And then yesterday, she wanted me to give her one of my hydros so she could get HIGH!!!! Then she got pissed when I told her no. (Just so we are all clear I got the hydros after having a particularly bad tooth extraction a few months ago. I still have half of the bottle because every now and then a tooth shard starts to surface and I can't even sleep because it hurts so bad I do not use them recreationally.) On top of thatshe does almost nothing to help out. I know she doesn't have money and wouldn't accept it if she did. But she is here all day. I am working and going to school. She could wash the dishes, take out the trash, pick up the toys her son drug out, sweep. Or anything. And she has offered like 3 times but that's it. Other than that I am now supporting 2x as many people, cleaning up after 2x as many people, and cooking for 2x as many people. She also has not filled out let alone turned in a single application yet. NOT A SINGLE ONE! I will get evicted if she is here more than a month and its already been almost 2 weeks. She has said several times since she's been here she doesn't want to work. She would rather stay home. A few times she said "But I will work, I just don't want to" I feel horrible but I really can't stand her living here anymore. I don't know what we are going to do when the 1 month mark gets here, I can't just kick her out with no where to go but I have done what I can for her. I even put her in for an apartment here. But it could be a while because there is a wait list. Am I as bad of a friend as I feel for wanting her out?
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ashellbell
by Gold Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:40 AM
Feeling that way doesn't make you a bad friend, not being honest with her will ruin your friendship.
bonitalilmama
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:45 AM
She needs to work or get out, she had a child she needs to be the adult and Provider for her child, not you. She better be glad you let her stay
redi4change
by Bronze Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:52 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't think you're a bad friend at all. I think she's a bad friend though because I think she's just using you. you are doing And have done all you can for her but now it's time for her to do for herself.you should sit down with her and explain to her about the rules there, that she can only stay a month, so she should start to take action with what her and her son will do after the next two weeks are up. Have her check with other friends or family to see if they can help. If not, check with local churches to see if they have help for single moms. This can't go on forever with you supporting her so it's best you put down the rules NOW with her. If she gets angry at you, remind her that you did help her but you can only do so much and if she was truly your friend, she would not take advantage of you.

jeannie1118
by Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:52 AM

Dont feel guilty, you have done a good thing and in return your friend is using you. Did you set down rules before she moved in? If so, you need to remind her of her agreement constantly (even if it seems like you are bitching) and do not let up. If you did not set down rules, then you need to wake her up right now and lay down the law (tell her what you told us). From everything you said, it sounds like your friend is taking advantage of you in your own home. I know because I let a "friend" move in with me, and to thank me she moved out when I was at work and stole everything from shampoo to clothes to pots and pans! Be careful and Good Luck.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:52 AM

Quoting ashellbell:

Feeling that way doesn't make you a bad friend, not being honest with her will ruin your friendship.

How am I supposed to be honest with her without making things worse. I don't care if she drinks. Never have before we both used to drink together all the time before either of us were old enough. But I do care that its in my house. And every night. I honestly probably drink about every 3 months, and even then its one or two. And with the pills I did tell her I wasn't letting her get high, especially off my prescription. And she starts ranting and raving about how her taking hydro's is no different than taking xanies to get high. I had to explain that I don't do that anymore either. (Even when I used to it was rare) And then she starts in on its no different than pot. (Again something I stopped doing a LONG time ago) She finally gave up on that because she knew I would lose my cool if she nagged about it anymore. But she is going to her grandpas to get some of his pills. Seriously How do I make her understand I won't tolerate this with out pushing her back to her abusive ex? Because he tolerated all of this including her staying home and drinking constantly.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 28, 2013 at 10:00 AM

Quoting redi4change:

I don't think you're a bad friend at all. I think she's a bad friend though because I think she's just using you. you are doing And have done all you can for her but now it's time for her to do for herself.you should sit down with her and explain to her about the rules there, that she can only stay a month, so she should start to take action with what her and her son will do after the next two weeks are up. Have her check with other friends or family to see if they can help. If not, check with local churches to see if they have help for single moms. This can't go on forever with you supporting her so it's best you put down the rules NOW with her. If she gets angry at you, remind her that you did help her but you can only do so much and if she was truly your friend, she would not take advantage of you.


She knows about the one month rule already. But I think she is hoping she will get into one of these apartments before then. They are income based so she wouldn't have much rent and would be able to live off of her son's child support and not work. But she knows there is a chance she won't get in because she lived in income housing before and was evicted, plus she owes her last landlord and her last electric company. I really don't know what to do. She won't go to any churches because she doesn't do the whole church thing and they ask that you sit in on services. And hopefully she hasn't sunk so low to take advantage of a church when she is more than capable of working. And we both know if she puts her application in she could have a job at the motel because she has 3 years of experience in it. I want to tell her to cut the crap but I am afraid she will go back to her ex and its only a matter of time before he takes his frustration out on her son or really hurts her.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 28, 2013 at 10:05 AM

Quoting jeannie1118:

Dont feel guilty, you have done a good thing and in return your friend is using you. Did you set down rules before she moved in? If so, you need to remind her of her agreement constantly (even if it seems like you are bitching) and do not let up. If you did not set down rules, then you need to wake her up right now and lay down the law (tell her what you told us). From everything you said, it sounds like your friend is taking advantage of you in your own home. I know because I let a "friend" move in with me, and to thank me she moved out when I was at work and stole everything from shampoo to clothes to pots and pans! Be careful and Good Luck.


We didn't have time to set down rules. She literally called me one day and told me he had choked her and slapped her and then the cops showed up (unrelated to the domestic issue) so right before she got off the phone I told her if she needed a place her and her son were welcome here. A couple hours later she snuck online while he was taking a nap asked for directions to my apartment, and said she would be over after she took her ex to work and packed some stuff. She showed up and this is how its been since. I am afraid she will go back to her ex if I tell her i'm not goig to tolerate this stuff in my house. And I have serious doubts she will get an apartment here because she hasn't even tried to clear up her past bills.
quinnsmom715
by Donna on Jul. 28, 2013 at 10:13 AM

look,if she goes back to her ex,thats on her.you need to think of your own child.what kind of influence is she if she gets drunk and wants to get high..?i know shes your friend but your kid should come first..

redi4change
by Bronze Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 10:17 AM
1 mom liked this

I think from the moment she came to stay with you, she should have been diligently looking into where she was going to live and how she would be taking care of her son. But from what you have said, she is partying and drinking and I could tell that she could care less about you, your child, herself or her son. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life and her son's life. She cannot expect anyone to support her. It's unfortunate that she had to endure what she did with her ex, but you have enough responsibilities with trying to make ends meet for you and your own child. And for her to be sitting there on her butt not even caring about where she's gonna live or what she's gonna do is just ridiculous and you should not put up with her for one day more. I really don't think she is a good friend for you. You seem to be a very responsible mom and people like her will only use you and bring you down in life. If she has to go back to her ex, so be it. Don't feel guilty. You deserve to have quality, sincere friendships  in your life, meaning friends that will not take advantage of you because you are helpful and a nice person. If you let this continue, she will only continue to use you, now and in the future. It's time to let her go and seek out more mature, self-supporting people like yourself to befriend.

Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting redi4change:

I don't think you're a bad friend at all. I think she's a bad friend though because I think she's just using you. you are doing And have done all you can for her but now it's time for her to do for herself.you should sit down with her and explain to her about the rules there, that she can only stay a month, so she should start to take action with what her and her son will do after the next two weeks are up. Have her check with other friends or family to see if they can help. If not, check with local churches to see if they have help for single moms. This can't go on forever with you supporting her so it's best you put down the rules NOW with her. If she gets angry at you, remind her that you did help her but you can only do so much and if she was truly your friend, she would not take advantage of you.


She knows about the one month rule already. But I think she is hoping she will get into one of these apartments before then. They are income based so she wouldn't have much rent and would be able to live off of her son's child support and not work. But she knows there is a chance she won't get in because she lived in income housing before and was evicted, plus she owes her last landlord and her last electric company. I really don't know what to do. She won't go to any churches because she doesn't do the whole church thing and they ask that you sit in on services. And hopefully she hasn't sunk so low to take advantage of a church when she is more than capable of working. And we both know if she puts her application in she could have a job at the motel because she has 3 years of experience in it. I want to tell her to cut the crap but I am afraid she will go back to her ex and its only a matter of time before he takes his frustration out on her son or really hurts her.



redi4change
by Bronze Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 10:36 AM
1 mom liked this


Tell her TODAY-tell her that she has two weeks to try to find a job and she needs to look into getting a place there in the building you're in or wherever she can whether it's with her grandpa or another friend or her ex. Tell her that you are at risk of losing the apt you have if she stays any longer. You cannot subject your 4.5 yo child to this! you could lose everything because of her and then where would you and your child be? Don't do it. Tell her to leave and walk away. Hopefully she won't be able to get an apt in your building, because then you'll have to see her all the time and I'm sure she'll bug you about everything under the sun. She is using you period. I'm sorry you have to hear that, but you need to. Don't allow you and your child to be taken advantage of by her anymore. If you have to get the police involved to get her out of your apt so be it. Her true colors have come out and the truth is is that she is nothing but an irresponsible mother who is looking for a free ride.

Quoting Anonymous:


Quoting ashellbell:

Feeling that way doesn't make you a bad friend, not being honest with her will ruin your friendship.

How am I supposed to be honest with her without making things worse. I don't care if she drinks. Never have before we both used to drink together all the time before either of us were old enough. But I do care that its in my house. And every night. I honestly probably drink about every 3 months, and even then its one or two. And with the pills I did tell her I wasn't letting her get high, especially off my prescription. And she starts ranting and raving about how her taking hydro's is no different than taking xanies to get high. I had to explain that I don't do that anymore either. (Even when I used to it was rare) And then she starts in on its no different than pot. (Again something I stopped doing a LONG time ago) She finally gave up on that because she knew I would lose my cool if she nagged about it anymore. But she is going to her grandpas to get some of his pills. Seriously How do I make her understand I won't tolerate this with out pushing her back to her abusive ex? Because he tolerated all of this including her staying home and drinking constantly.



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