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Dreading today...Long but I need support/words of encouragement *update2*

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 40 Replies

Today I have to call my dad. We have had a VERY rocky relationship for the last 10 years.

He cheated on my mom when I was 15 or 16. Felt it was necessary to tell me that he was in love with another woman but told me not to tell my mom, that didn't happen. Before that, when it came out that my live in cousin (his sisters son) had been molesting me for three years, he didn't believe me. He thought it was just two kids experimenting..uh no.

After my dad finally moved out (leaving me and my mother with nothing but debt and no money) he proceeded to take my cousin in. Had the gall to ask me to come visit him and sleep over at his house....where my abuser was living. Not gonna happen.

Long story short, we went many years without talking. I couldn't forgive him for betraying me, betraying my mom, leaving us with nothing and being an overall shitty husband and father for many years before that.

A few years ago he called my mom to tell her he had a brain tumor. Ever since we have been SLOWLY working on our relationship but I still have a hard time talking to or being around him.

For the last six months we haven't been in contact very much. I've had a lot going on, had a mc, bought a house, had other health issues of my own....life has just been crazy. Then a little after fathers day, he leaves me a HORRIBLE voicemail ripping me apart because he thinks I didn't call him for fathers day. Well I did. And I sent him a msg on fb..apparently he didn't get either. So now, I want absolutely not a single thing to do with the "man."

Then I get a call from him on monday, I was busy and honestly just didn't feel like talking to him. He leaves me a voicemail. I didn't listen to it until yesterday. Turns out he has another brain tumor and from the sounds of it, this one is worse then the last and he may not have long.

Wtf. I am SO mad and hurt by him. I literally want nothing to do with him, he is NOT a good person. But now he's sick and has no one in his life. I'm so confused and conflicted, i know what I have to do but I don't want to do it. He's still my dad but he's hurt me so bad. So what, I just put the least ten years of pain, hurt, sadness and betrayal behind me because he's sick? How do i do that?

I know I have to call him today and I know he's going to want to see me and ds. And I also know that he is going to ask me to help him. Idk what the course of action is going to be for this brain tumor but I know he is going to need me. UGH! I was up all night with the runs last night from stress. I was just finding my happy again after 6 months of bs in my life

:(


Sorry this turned out so long, I just have been needing to get this all off of my chest. I ask for prayers and strength to do the right thing. I'm so lost and confused. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.


*UPDATE*

Getting ready to call now. Will let you all know how it goes. I have no one else to talk to about this right now. Also, thank you all for letting me vent, giving me advice and helping my see things from a different point of view.


*UPDATE 2*

Just got off the phone with him. He's not dying. This tumor is smaller then the last but it's position is going to make surgery tricky. So they are sending him to a bunch of specialist, running tests and figuring out his options....blah blah blah. I'll continue to put on a happy face and pretend things are fine, like always. It's not worth it to tell him how I feel, will make no difference and just make shit more complicated. Of course he acted like everything was fine between us when we spoke, like nothing ever happened but that was expected. I'm just done...I'm shutting down emotionally when it comes to him. I will be there if he needs me and stay in some sort of contact with him to make him happy so I don't have to get reemed out for "not calling him or caring about him" again.

Whatever....just makes me even more thankful for the wonderful mother I have and her husband. They have only been together since i was 18 but he stepped right up to be the father I so desperately need. Also makes me thankful to know that ds will never have to deal with a "donor" like my dad. He has the best dad a kid could ask for and that above everything else is what matters most.

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
RoxStetz
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:37 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry. I will say a prayer that you will find the strength you need to get through this.

RoxStetz
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:40 AM
2 moms liked this
Adding, I don't think you will ever be able to put the past abuses you suffered by your father completely in the past, but I think if you are willing to forgive, his remaining time with you could be cathartic for you. GOD bless.
chicklopez
by ItsFunnierInEnochian on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:42 AM
4 moms liked this

 If it werent for the brain tumor, would you even be considering a relationship? Cancer sucks. Everyone is going to die some day. I know it sounds harsh but he doesnt deserve your pity.

Cancer/tumors arent some magic wand that wipes away all past transgressions. Id prefer to not have toxic people in my life or around my children, whether or not they have some terminal disease. It's sort of like saying, it's ok because i know he's only going to torture me for -----------this long and then he'll be dead.

It sucks and it hurts that you can never salvage this relationship with the man who was supposed to be your father. Ive had to give up on a few relationships. Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better is figuring out why these particular people suck so much and remind myself why they dont deserve a place in my life.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:46 AM
1 mom liked this
Breathe. I can't tell you what to do but I'll tell you what I live with.

My dad wasn't around after my parents divorced before I even turned 1. He reentered my life when issues with my sister came up. It was rocky and scary because I didn't know him and heard some bad things about him. I stayed distant. The last time I saw him alive was his brothers funeral in 2001. The next time I saw him was in a casket in 2003.

He had issues with substance abuse. He wasn't a nice person. Yet I feel awful for not trying to get to know him. For never calling. For never seeing him. Nothing. I was really upset when he passed. We weren't close but he was my father.

Good luck with your decision.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:46 AM
Thank you. Ive tried to forgive, for myself mostly. Holding on to the anger, hurt and resentment was eating away at me. I was really, really trying but everytime I would see him or hear his voice, it would send me back to the worst time in my life. I don't know how to let it go. I've tried to be the bigger person. I've tried to convince myself I could let go of all the negative feelings but I just don't know how.

If this tumor is like his last and he gets it removed, I know he is going to ask a lot of me. And I don't know if I can do it. And if this tumor is worse and killing him...idk how to be there for him and watch him die.

I wish I could just make all of this go away. For only being 26, I have already had such a hard life. It kills me that I was finally getting to a good place and then this happens and sends me right back into the depression i fought so many years to get out of. I just wanna go back to bed :(

Quoting RoxStetz:

Adding, I don't think you will ever be able to put the past abuses you suffered by your father completely in the past, but I think if you are willing to forgive, his remaining time with you could be cathartic for you. GOD bless.
RoxStetz
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:48 AM
Have you tried talking to a therapist? It could help you let go of the anger.
beco8627
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:49 AM
Have you thought about writing him a letter? I don't blame you for not wanting to call him. No, your feelings are not supposed to change all because he now has cancer. He has hurt you tremendously and you are entitled to feel the way you feel about him. Perhaps, now that you're aware that he's sick, is Gods way of letting you know that its time to forgive in order to free your own heart. If you don't get closure and keep holding on to the anger and hurt, you may end up regretting not reaching out to your dad before he dies. Nobody says you have to see him, call him or speak to him in any way, and a letter might just be the best thing for you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:50 AM
Honestly, I'd probably keep the relationship how it's been. Talking every few months on the phone and lunch a few times a year. I've cut many toxic people out of my life and it has always freed me and made life so much better. But because he's my dad, I can't let go. He has no one in his life, has no money, he literally has nothing. I can't help but to feel bad for him even after all the things he has done for me.

I tried cutting him out of my life before and then he got the first tumor. I struggled with what to do with that for along time but didn't want to regret not making an effort and then having him die. I just.....I don't even know. Anyone have a hole I can crawl in?

Quoting chicklopez:

 If it werent for the brain tumor, would you even be considering a relationship? Cancer sucks. Everyone is going to die some day. I know it sounds harsh but he doesnt deserve your pity.


Cancer/tumors arent some magic wand that wipes away all past transgressions. Id prefer to not have toxic people in my life or around my children, whether or not they have some terminal disease. It's sort of like saying, it's ok because i know he's only going to torture me for -----------this long and then he'll be dead.


It sucks and it hurts that you can never salvage this relationship with the man who was supposed to be your father. Ive had to give up on a few relationships. Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better is figuring out why these particular people suck so much and remind myself why they dont deserve a place in my life.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:53 AM
And that's my fear. When he was diagnosed with the first brain tumor, that's why I decided to let him back in and try and work on things. I didn't want to live with that guilt and regret if he did die. I didn't want him to die alone. But it just didn't work. And then him leaving me that vm after Father's day, I was ready to just be done with him for good. How much pain do I need to suffer?! But now I'm back where we started. This sucks.

Thank you.

Quoting Anonymous:

Breathe. I can't tell you what to do but I'll tell you what I live with.



My dad wasn't around after my parents divorced before I even turned 1. He reentered my life when issues with my sister came up. It was rocky and scary because I didn't know him and heard some bad things about him. I stayed distant. The last time I saw him alive was his brothers funeral in 2001. The next time I saw him was in a casket in 2003.



He had issues with substance abuse. He wasn't a nice person. Yet I feel awful for not trying to get to know him. For never calling. For never seeing him. Nothing. I was really upset when he passed. We weren't close but he was my father.



Good luck with your decision.



tsoto09
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:54 AM
While I agree with other poster that he does not deserve your pity, I was sort of in the same boat as you, my father passed away Dec 09' from lung cancer. I went several years before that resenting him for not being there for me and for the things that he put me through as a child. I only lived with him for the last of my highschool years but he was far from father of the year. From then on, I just resented him. When he found out about his cancer, I was pregnant so I teally tried not to focus on that until after dd was born, I continued to hold resentment but I helped him as much as I could and saw him when I could. I still never really, ,spoke to him whole heartedly. I never got the chance to either. I didnt think it would affect me but it does. I wish I would have at least had a heart to heart with him just for the sake of him being my father. I pray that your strength comes through and you get to say what you need to. It will set you free in the long run. HUGS oh and I can only imagine what you are feeling, my issues w my father were mostly because of his lack of parenting skills, so super kudos to you for being such a brave soul.
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