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What kind of best friend advice would you give?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 35 Replies
My best friend of 22 years is married to a real piece of work. She had been with him a year before they got married. In that time, he showed that he is abusive, physically and mentally, to her, and just a complete jerk to her DS(8). He is controlling, manipulative, as well as an ex-con that was on parole when she met him (for a violent crime).
Well, they were married a few months ago and he ended up violating parole. He is now in prison until next year. I see this as her opportunity to leave him, so did she. She filed for divorce last week. She called the courthouse yesterday and was told she has to pick up paperwork and send it to the county in which he resides, and they will take it from there. Yesterday, she came over for coffee and told me she was thinking about picking up the paperwork and just sitting on it for a while, because she has 30 days to change her mind. She feels bad for doing this to him while he is in prison and that he really needs someone right now. She keeps going back and forth with the decision. I do completely understand the need to do the right thing and not want to hurt another person when they are down. That's a trait in her that I admire. However, I am so worried about her and her son. This is a decision I can't make for her, and I don't want to keep telling her biased opinions. I'm trying to stay objective, but holy moley, how can I?
Advice please!
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:23 AM
Bump
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:23 AM
Bump
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:26 AM
I would stand my ground and tell her that she can support him but keep her distance. Being married doesn't help him in the least bit. He's stuck there and this is her chance to move forward. I'm sorry but here is no bias when abuse is involved.... It's wrong no matter what.
notadoormat
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:27 AM
She doesn't need to be there for him. Why was he on parole? How did he violate it? Is she scared? May direct to a women's abuse hotline to let her know there is help for when he gets out to keep safe? Staying is not an option. Point out that she could have her child removed if he is abusive?
stephiebugg
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:27 AM

 I get that she doesn't want to leave him when he really needs someone, but doesn't he have someone- anyone- else?
It's probably best for her to cut ties NOW instead of giving him false hope that he would come home to her. Maybe it'd also be safer for her to do it now, so he had time to cool down and not come after her in a violent way after she files. This will give him a year to make alternate plans with his life and a year for her to move on (and possibly away) to a better life for her and her son.
Tell her, too, that this man is a role model for her son. How would she feel if her son grew up to be like him? If she gets rid of this loser, her son can grow up to be a real man who doesn't hit women.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:28 AM

"and just a complete jerk to her DS(8)"

That right there. That is what makes her oh so sweet intentions for doing the right thing for this mans sake a waste of time. A woman that can't protect her child isn't much of a woman in my eyes. If she is okay with letting a man abuse her, fine, she's an adult she can make her own decisions. Making a child deal with that life? Not okay. 

Instead of trying to take her side or his side, take the child's side. Since mom obviously doesn't know how to do that. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:29 AM
1 mom liked this

you should tell her he's got plenty of company where he is to 'be there for him' and to pull her head outta her ass, and think about her kid for once

Mrs.Kubalabuku
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:29 AM

I would suggest she seek some counsel from a therapist or spiritual leader.  These are hard decisions to make, especially after all the mind games abusers play on their victims.  She needs some professional guidance sorting things out.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:29 AM

you should call cps on her cuz she is obviously a HORRID parent

s.osborne
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:30 AM

 Tell her to quit being a little bitch, grow some lady balls and get the fuck out of that shitty relationship! I swear I would slap my best friend if anything like this happened.

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