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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Adoption Guilt - I am over it

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies

I am a adoptive mother.  I have had adoptive mothers guilt for this first year.  I have thought about, and felt sorry for the birth mother.  I know i could never walk away from a child.  Expecially the way she did it.  "Gave birth, left the hospital while child was in the NICU, then called the hospital saying she wanted to place the child.  She didnt even want to pick a family, the agency picked us"

Every time a milestone would happen I would think "OH got to write that down for the Birth mom to know for her letter"  I never thought about how exciteing it was for me.  Just thought about how she would feel about it.

I just wrote the Birth mother her 1 year update, and prined out some pictures, and suddenly it just happined.  I dont feel the guild and worry about the mother any more.  She made her choice.  I am keeping to my agreement to do the now once a year updates.

But i dont feel Adoptive mothers guilt any longer. 

Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:56 PM

I know what you mean we adopted 2 children and for the longest time I felt the same way. Not anymore though either

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:59 PM

I'm so happy that you don't feel guilty, now you can completely allow yourself to enjoy you child.

I have the opposite adoption guilt.  We had a failed Russian adoption.  Russia closed their program to US families right before we finalized.  We fell in love with an adorable and loving boy.  He would have had a good life with us. Now he is being raised in an orphanage, will be turned out on the streets at 18 with no money and no future.  It breaks my heart that he was so close to a bright future and now he has nothing.

If you ever feel an ounce of guilt again, just think about the prosperous and loving future you've provided your child. S/he wouldn't have otherwise had that.  You've given a child the most amazing gift!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Aug. 1, 2013 at 7:09 PM
It is common for adoptive moms to develop deep feelings for their baby's birthmother. We are so intensely grateful for our children. We think that anyone who shares any commonality with our babies must be a good person.

What is worse is that anti adoption birthmothers may prey on your guilt to encourage you to open the adoption or to garner sympathy for themselves. Their stories tend to sound sympathetic until you find out what they are NOT saying.

Our agency warned us of this. They cautioned us not to project our own feelings and characteristics on the birthmother. It would break me to adopt out my child, but that doesn't mean that all birthmothers feel the same way. They also warned us not underestimate dysfunction that might not be immediately visible on the surface.

I read one birthmother blog where the birthmother claims that her adopted-out daughter would have been better off with her. Then she reveals that she allowed her pedophile brother to be alone with her kept children. Guess what? He molested them. When her therapist suggested that she cut ties with her brother, the birthmom refused. It is a good thing that the adoptive parents - who don't know anything about the abuse - declined to give her unsupervised visits.

Like the agency said, don't ever underestimate the level of dysfunction is another's home.

adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Aug. 2, 2013 at 5:34 AM
Have you seen this article?
http://www.adoptionsupport.org/res/7core.php
7 Core Issues in Adoption
In 1982, Deborah N, Silverstein and Sharon Roszia developed the concept of the 7 Core Issues in Adoption. As stated in their March/April 1999 article in Adoptive Families, by raising these issues they sought to challenge traditional assumptions about adoption, specifically "the persistent notion that being adopted is not different from growing up in the family of origin." The issues apply to all members of the adoption circle - adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. It is important to note that each indiividual will experience these differently, and examples listed reflect strong representations of each Core Issue. Click below to see how Silverstein and Roszia outlined the 7 Core Issues for each

They'll probably show again at some point for you and your child.
We are different than raising homegrown kids. Hope the article helps in some way.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Aug. 2, 2013 at 5:44 AM
1 mom liked this

I am a birth mother. I gave my birth son up because I could not give him a good life at the time. I would have never wanted his mom to feel guilt or feel like I should be a part of things. I gave him up for the right reasons and do not regret it.

Not all of us are abusive,dysfunctional crack heads.I have a BS in computer sciences,I have other children that I raised.I have a great husband and job. Unfortunately,my birth son was just conceived at a rough time in my life many years ago. Sure I wish things could have been different,but it is what it is.His parents are great people.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Aug. 2, 2013 at 5:48 AM
The only sadness I felt was the day in court when they terminated rights. That my child's birth parents couldn't fight to try and get him back, refused to work their plans or even bother to show up to some visits. The judge gave them so many chances and they would just never follow through.

Enjoy your baby momma :)
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Aug. 2, 2013 at 6:49 AM

Honestly I don't think I would ever have felt a moment of guilt.  She made her decision.  There is no need for you to feel sorry for her. 

Why does she even want yearly updates if she couldn't even be bothered to pick a family?  She's lucky you're doing the updates.  I don't think most women would or at least they would taper off and stop after a few years.

disneymom2two
by Platinum Member on Aug. 2, 2013 at 6:56 AM

One of my friends also had her Russian adoption disrupted by the closing.  My heart breaks for her.  

We adopted our daughter from China.  While I wonder about the birth parents, especially after seeing the movie Somewhere Between, I don't really feel guilt.  I do wish I could let the birth parents know how well their little girl is doing.


Quoting Anonymous:

I'm so happy that you don't feel guilty, now you can completely allow yourself to enjoy you child.

I have the opposite adoption guilt.  We had a failed Russian adoption.  Russia closed their program to US families right before we finalized.  We fell in love with an adorable and loving boy.  He would have had a good life with us. Now he is being raised in an orphanage, will be turned out on the streets at 18 with no money and no future.  It breaks my heart that he was so close to a bright future and now he has nothing.

If you ever feel an ounce of guilt again, just think about the prosperous and loving future you've provided your child. S/he wouldn't have otherwise had that.  You've given a child the most amazing gift!



zaftigmama
by Member on Aug. 2, 2013 at 7:12 AM

No adoptive parent needs to feel guilty about raising their children, unless they are breaking the promises they made when they adopted. The main promise of adoption is a loving, caring home that is better than any that the biological parents could have or would have provided. When you are providing those things to a child, you need to congratulate yourself, not feel guilty.

I say this as a biological mother who placed her child for adoption.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Aug. 2, 2013 at 7:15 AM

I feel no guilt.  I feel anger, sometimes, at what this woman did to her kids... the drugs and alcohol... but I feel no guilt.  She HAD the chance to work her plan...

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