So last night, I decided to take a shower. Dh had basically insisted on sex the night before. I explained that I wanted to shower but ultimately gave in.
Tonight, I get out of the shower, walk to my room and DH was on the computer. He was holding one of my kittens (almost three months old) in his lap. She wanted to get out and she pulled away. As she did, I noticed that DH has a wet mark on his underwear. I knew he hadnt gone to the restroom because the toilets still had all the Comet I had sprinkled in them just before showering. Anyway, I picked up a crumpled shirt near by and sure enough....he was masturbating while I was in the shower.
This started a fight. Not because I think he cant masturbate at all or anything like that but he knew I was in the shower, knew he couldve had sex after my shower and chose to masturbate instead and then tried to hide it from me. THAT is what really pissed me off.
I finally explained that here I am thinking Im too fat, dont wax my eyebrows enough, dont do this or that analyzing the sh!t out of myself and hes just masturbating when I take a shower or am busy doing other things so of course he doesnt want to have sex with me after that.
Anyway, I explained that I cant deal it and that I cannot STAND being lied to. Id asked him if he was masturbating and he looked right in my face and told me no. Tonight, he brought up that 'this is why (my ex husband left) and moved to another state'. That is SO far from the truth. I left ex dh because he was abusive emotionally and I didnt deserve that. He moved out of state because he said he couldnt stand seeing me around town knowing we'd never get back together. He also brought up my children from the ex. Something he had NO right to do.
Hes apologized, said he doesnt want to have sex because he knows I cant suffer another loss.......all I really heard was, 'Lie. Lie a little more. Lie to get myself out of lying to you and hurting you. Lie so I can do what I want.'.
So, I started packing already and will finish when he goes to work today. Im going to make other arrangements. It isnt the masturbating Im hurt by. If he was honest about it, I wouldnt have let it get to me but he did his best to hide it and then brought my ex and my children into this. I am not at a place now where I can just write this off.
ETA: Thank you all for the ideas and support! I hate that some of you are also in this position but glad Im not alone in this. Sometimes, I cant help but cry when he's asleep. Im just so unhappy. :(
We are not TTC right now because we know without the surgery, chances are we will suffer another loss and I can't handle another one. In addition, I want this thyroid crap to be stabilized before I get pregnant as I dont want that to interfere or cause an issue with uupcoming pregnancy. Im currently taking 200mcg of Levoxyl a day at this point. I just want it to get better. I know there are other things that are bothering me and I dont talk about them. I was working on that through blogging but havent even really had the desire to blog in almost a month. :(
This is more just to vent than anything else.
My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years. When I met him, I had gotten divorced just a few months before and wanted to start out slow. When we met, I wasnt stick thin but I wasnt huge. Over the last four years, my thyroid condition has gotten progressively worse. Ive been on medication most of that time but it keeps increasing. Over the last four or five months, I've gained and lost weight then just started putting weight on. I now weigh 220 pounds and I hate it. We were TTC and even before that, he was always asking for sex. Now, I went an entire month and 1/2 with no period, he MAY have wanted to have sex 3 times in all that time. I finally got it, it lasted ten days, we've had sex once in the almost month since the end of that period.
I was acting saving money for a surgery we need to make it easier for us to have a baby and now I feel like I might as well just give it up. This isnt a weight issue that I can help as my thyroid keeps tanking out and the meds go up again. I was in the shower last night and asked him to get something out of the bathroom for me. He came in and said, "What are you wearing to bed?". Hes NEVER asked that question. It made me feel as if he wanted to be sure I was completely covered. It kinda hurt and irritated me a bit because I never sleep nude.
I'm to the point that I think if he cant handle dealing with this thyroid thing while the doctor and I get it under control, how can he handle a much larger issue of surgery, issues TTC, etc. We do have babies who were born too soon and passed away and we dont discuss that at all.
Is it unreasonable of me to be thinking that we may end up splitting up over all of this? Ive tried to talk to him about it before and he gave me the "No, thats not it. Im sorry I made you feel that way." and went right back to the same behavior. I cant help but think my marriage is coming to an end.