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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Should I leave him?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I've known him since I was 13. We were very good friends all througj high school and the first time I got drunk at a party after we graduated, I confessed to him my undying love. Lol we were inseparable. Old couples would tell us in public that we were going to make it, that they could tell by how we looked at each other. There were stars in our eyes. So in love. Things were flawless until I went to bash training. (3 years ago) and he has been slowly withdrawing ever since. We have been married only three months and have sex maybe once a month because he's always too tired. He makes times for his friends but we have only been on two dates since our DD has been here. (She's over ten months old now). He never tells me I'm pretty, he complains about everything I do, and hasn't done anything for valentines day or anniversaries in years. We had been on three breaks previous to DD because I feel like he takes me for granted. We planned to elope 3 months prior to actually going through with it, and he proposed the day before we left to get married while I was changing DDs diaper. He puts no effort or thought into our relationship. Any time I try to talk to him, he acts like I'm a crazy annoying bitch and shuts down. He's the love of my life, but I have done nothing but slowly wither away the past three years.

I don't want my daughter growing up thinking that its okay to beg for a mans scraps of attention.

He's an incredible father, but I feel like he doesn't even notice me.

What would you do?


ETA: I'm in the military and spent this past weekend on a funeral detail putting a close battle buddy in the ground. I had to guard his casket, standing in between my battles dead body, and his grieving mother. I had to pull the flag over his coffin, and pull the dog tags off the feet to hand to his parents after ushering him down the aisle of the church. It was one of the most devastating events of my life. DH did not call, and still has not asked about this past weekend or if I'm okay. I needed him.
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 6, 2013 at 3:56 AM
Replies (21-30):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:10 AM
I have tried all but counseling and threatening with divorce. He refuses counseling :(


Quoting bonitalilmama:

Tellbhim you need attention and miss the old days. If he doesn't consent to making you feel at ease try counseling, if that doesn't help ask him does he want to still be with you. Sounds like he had gotten comfortable which a lot of people do and thats how you ruin a relationship . We you bring that to his attention maybe he will realize he changed hopefully. If that doesn't work bring up a possible divorce and see will he realize your serious and take it from there

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:12 AM
Yeah well I'm human. And I really want it to work. And I really wanted my daughter to have parents who are together.

Definitely going to start counseling, though.


Quoting RadnRem:

Um.....did you really just say that you married him hoping he would change?



Pretty sure that's not how it works.



Go to counselling alone if he won't go with you.


DannieLou
by Mockingjay on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:12 AM
Have you told him you miss him? Have you talked about your feelings at all?
PoplarGrove
by Silver Member on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:12 AM


I went to individual counselling because my ex refused to go to marriage counselling. It helped me find the strength I needed to get out of the relationship.  My relationship started out as yours is with him not appreciating me and then descended into the two of us resenting each other.  When you don't feel appreciated or loved your behaviour towards them will begin to reflect that feeling.  In the end there was no saving the relationship.  He wanted someone who would worship the ground he walked on as he walked all over her and I wasn't that person. No that your relationship isn't worth saving...where there is love there is still a chance.  

Quoting Anonymous:

See that's what I'm afraid of. Because I've been on three breaks with him already for the same exact problem. And I absolutely adore him. I don't want anyone else. But the problem is that he makes me not like myself because I love him so much and he doesn't return it.

And he refuses counseling. But you're the second one to tell me to go. Did you go? If so, did it help?


Quoting PoplarGrove:

I'd insist on marriage counselling before you decide to throw in the towel.  If he won't go then go to counselling by yourself.  You need to learn who you are before you'll have the strength to do what you need to do.

If he still refuses to treat you like a person he loves and respects then I would leave.  Don't do what I did and stay because he's a great dad.  4 kids and 10 years later I'm finally free and realize I'm worth a lot more than I ever felt I was when I was with him. 




Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:13 AM
Bump
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:13 AM
I'm on my phone and it keeps changing what I type.


Quoting Anonymous:

I can't really say on cm but there is no way for me to save mine. Divorce is hard. You just need to decide if you would be happier without him.



Are you sure.there isn't some other reason for his distance. Work, depression,.etc?





Quoting Anonymous:If you don't mind me asking, what happened?



I've done all I can but he won't work on it with me :(





Quoting Anonymous:Im at the end if my marriage and it's not a move place.to be. Your need to do everything you can to save yours. The financial, custody, visitation, it all sucks.




chickieboom
by on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:13 AM
I've been there. We lost our baby but that's what lead to me finding out who he really was. Only you can make this choice, you just want to do it with every tool and advantage that you can. You can even work through how to handle this with your daughter and your concerns for her.

Quoting Anonymous:

Yeah, you're right. I was just trying to see if anyone on here has been there and had good results. I just don't want my daughter growing up seeing her daddy treat her mommy like she doesn't matter. Ill be damned if a man treats her like that.




Quoting chickieboom:

Sounds like you learned the hard way, that getting married (much like having a child) does not magically solve problems. If anything, it magnifies them.


Go to counseling by yourself. Do it for you and your child. Once you have the tools you need you can make your own choices about what to do. Don't ask an internet chat room full of strangers to make your choices for you.






Quoting Anonymous:

He won't go. I asked before we even got married and e refused. I thought if I married him, it would make him realize how in love with him and he would change.







It has only gotten worse.








Quoting chickieboom:

Counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. It sounds like you need someone who can help you work through your feelings so that you can decide where to go from here.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:15 AM
Wow, that sounds just like him. I feel as if he wants a mama and a maid, not a relationship.

Im a tank mechanic in the US Army, so I'm not the type of woman who exists just to accommodate a man and cater to his needs. Especially when it's not returned.

So counseling then?


Quoting PoplarGrove:


I went to individual counselling because my ex refused to go to marriage counselling. It helped me find the strength I needed to get out of the relationship.  My relationship started out as yours is with him not appreciating me and then descended into the two of us resenting each other.  When you don't feel appreciated or loved your behaviour towards them will begin to reflect that feeling.  In the end there was no saving the relationship.  He wanted someone who would worship the ground he walked on as he walked all over her and I wasn't that person. No that your relationship isn't worth saving...where there is love there is still a chance.  


Quoting Anonymous:

See that's what I'm afraid of. Because I've been on three breaks with him already for the same exact problem. And I absolutely adore him. I don't want anyone else. But the problem is that he makes me not like myself because I love him so much and he doesn't return it.



And he refuses counseling. But you're the second one to tell me to go. Did you go? If so, did it help?





Quoting PoplarGrove:

I'd insist on marriage counselling before you decide to throw in the towel.  If he won't go then go to counselling by yourself.  You need to learn who you are before you'll have the strength to do what you need to do.

If he still refuses to treat you like a person he loves and respects then I would leave.  Don't do what I did and stay because he's a great dad.  4 kids and 10 years later I'm finally free and realize I'm worth a lot more than I ever felt I was when I was with him. 







bonitalilmama
by Silver Member on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:16 AM
If he doesn't care to make it better for both of you, you need to get attention somewhere else's, so divorce, serve the papers


Quoting Anonymous:

I have tried all but counseling and threatening with divorce. He refuses counseling :(




Quoting bonitalilmama:

Tellbhim you need attention and miss the old days. If he doesn't consent to making you feel at ease try counseling, if that doesn't help ask him does he want to still be with you. Sounds like he had gotten comfortable which a lot of people do and thats how you ruin a relationship . We you bring that to his attention maybe he will realize he changed hopefully. If that doesn't work bring up a possible divorce and see will he realize your serious and take it from there


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Aug. 6, 2013 at 4:16 AM
What would you do?


Quoting chickieboom:

I've been there. We lost our baby but that's what lead to me finding out who he really was. Only you can make this choice, you just want to do it with every tool and advantage that you can. You can even work through how to handle this with your daughter and your concerns for her.



Quoting Anonymous:

Yeah, you're right. I was just trying to see if anyone on here has been there and had good results. I just don't want my daughter growing up seeing her daddy treat her mommy like she doesn't matter. Ill be damned if a man treats her like that.






Quoting chickieboom:

Sounds like you learned the hard way, that getting married (much like having a child) does not magically solve problems. If anything, it magnifies them.



Go to counseling by yourself. Do it for you and your child. Once you have the tools you need you can make your own choices about what to do. Don't ask an internet chat room full of strangers to make your choices for you.








Quoting Anonymous:

He won't go. I asked before we even got married and e refused. I thought if I married him, it would make him realize how in love with him and he would change.









It has only gotten worse.










Quoting chickieboom:

Counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. It sounds like you need someone who can help you work through your feelings so that you can decide where to go from here.



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